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The one thing that always kinda flips me is the people who actually get super-pissed when they don't make it because they are terrible singers. I'm entirely fascinated by the human capacity for self-deception, and especially when it's something super-obvious. Not to say that I myself have not engaged in self-deception; everyone has. But I'm really obsessed with it when it's something that you would think you can't fool yourself about. Like, I think I'm a moderately decent human being, and a pretty good writer, but I could easily be wrong about both things. However, the reason I call myself fat is because there are mirrors in my house, and the reason I say I can't draw is because I can see. There's no way I'm gonna go around telling people I can play the piano, because that's an easily falsifiable claim: just sit me in front of a fuckin' piano, and there you go. So what is with these people who are just really incredibly awful singers, but who think they can sing? Can't they hear themselves? I think I'm an okay singer, but I don't think I'm a good singer, because I know what good singing sounds like, and I don't hear it coming out of my mouth. As Simon asks the occasional suck-ass vocalist, "Do you own a radio?" I mean, there's wishful thinking; there's that level of hope that everyone evinces that you're better than you really are. But there's good singers who think they're great singers, and then there's people who literally cannot sing who think they're great singers. How does that happen? I am hypnotized by the question.
- This is today's featured article on the Wikipedia main page, and it contains one of my favorite sentences ever:
Because of marital problems, Bonnet turned to piracy in the summer of 1717.
I...what? How does that happen? What kind of "marital problems" could possibly cause you to become a pirate? Whether they're literal "marital problems" (you're a cheat, your wife is a domineering nag, you want kids but your spouse doesn't, etc.) or "marital problems" as code for sexual dysfunction (you can't get it up, your wife is frigid, you can't decide who wears the bunny suit, etc.), how does that possibly lead you to a life of high seas piracy? I have talked to a lot of people whose marriages were on the rocks or had already failed, and not one of them has ever said to me "Yeah, things just weren't working out for us, so naturally I became a pirate." That is a totally amazing sentence. Naturally it has no citation.
- I can't believe these pickup lines failed! I worked so hard on them:
* So, you're a redhead, huh? I always wanted to bang a coppertop.
* Oh, you have two sisters? Are they hotter than you, or less hot? By what percentage? Could you make me a bar graph?
* You know, I'm less ugly than I look.
* Why don't we go for a ride in my brand new Porsche convertible? It'll be hours before it's reported stolen.
* My mirrored ceilings would be a lot sexier with more than one person in them.
* I don't even know the meaning of the word "flunitrazepam".
* Hey, don't take my word for it that I'm good in bed. Ask six of my last seventeen girlfriends.
Comments
1.) Assholes who just desperately want to be on TV, no matter what. Costume = obvious example of this. Like, for example, the stupid douchebag who showed up dressed as Slave Leia last week. You're not funny, Slave Leia Douchebag, and you can't sing, and since you're not funny OR good, I don't want to see you.
Granted, it's not always costumes. Sometimes it's "clothes I make myself." Or freaky makeup options, like that crazy bipolar chick from last week who got angry because she wasn't a very good singer so of COURSE it was because she wore a lot of freaky makeup that she likes to wear because it means people pay attention to her.
2.) The mentally retarded-slash-people with Asperger's. I'm not even slightly kidding here; I worked for years in a capacity which meant dealing with challenged kids every day, and you learn to pick up the signs, the general body language of people who are just a bit behind on the uptake (and know it) or the people who are too fast on the uptake in certain areas and can't compensate for it. Every tryout episode of Idol has at least one, and usually more.
These people are more sad than pathetic - they honestly don't know any better, because they lack the mental toolkit or social experience to know that they're just plain bad. It's one of the reasons the tryout episodes always piss me off - shit like this is just exploitative, inviting middle America to laugh like a bunch of assholes at people who genuinely don't realize they're the butt of the joke.
(It's also worth noting that Simon tends to be a lot nicer to this sort of person. Randy and Paula make fun of them, because Randy and Paula are genuine assholes and Simon is, honestly, something of a pretend-asshole. Witness Kevin Covais from a few seasons ago, where Randy and Paula were encouraging this no-hoper over and over again in a way reminiscent of "Heathers" and Simon was honestly pointing out that, look, nice kid, but this is just setting him up for people to make fun of him on national TV week after fucking week...)
3.) People who are genuinely so self-fucking-important that their lack of quality doesn't matter to them, because that's just an obstacle to be overcome. By somebody else, you understand. If they can't control their pitch, then obviously being on Idol can be a learning experience for them. If they simply don't have a good singing voice, then they'll focus on their technical mastery of scales - they sing the scales so well, and that helps them overcome the fact that they sound like a moose in heat.
These are the types Simon has no patience for (nearly as little as the freaks who just want to be on TV).
4.) People who actually aren't that bad, but aren't quite good enough to be on Idol (which says something, really), and who act like schmucks when they have to suddenly deal with getting their dreams crushed. The girl made up with Princess Leia hair last week who kept saying "Idol needs a dork" over and over again like that was going to become true, or some of the people who start desperately singing again, unbidden, in the hopes that acting like a crazy asshole is just the ticket to getting in the door. You have to kind of pity them, because, well, they weren't fooling themselves per se - they knew enough that they didn't suck, but they couldn't really know that they weren't good enough. And they deal poorly with it in a stressful situation.
And that's why.
That said, I'm not crazy about the recent rush to canonize Simon in the press, because he's so much more kind and patient this year. I mean, c'mon; if we're defining kindness as "being able to refrain from mocking the mentally ill and disabled to their faces while the camera is on," maybe we're setting out standards a bit low.
But just as often, Paula decides to stick up for the useless because She Is The One Who Stands Up To Simon, in her mind - she's playing out her role rather than giving an honest assessment of the useless shithead before her. At these points, it's not just benign stupidity, but instead gleeful avarice.
That’s really not the same thing, though.
So not only was it a random option, it was a random option he wasn't even good at. Now that's grasping at straws.
I...
OH MAN I WALKED RIGHT INTO THAT ONE.
Now Leonard, I love you, and yes, I mean it in that way so I'm going to give you a pass just this once on your anti-South prejudice.
But We are watching you...
2. I would have said the same thing had they been holding auditions in Indianapolis. Or Amarillo.
3. I once spent a week in Spartanburg. I challenge you to do the same and not say that South Carolina is home to a lot of seriously scrambled DNA patterns.
He was really bad at piracy.
Also, I am making it my mission to find something you have NOT done a 'zine about.