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- Hi. We’d like to apply for a loan.

- Certainly, sir. What sort of loan do you require?

- I’m sorry, I don’t follow you.

- I mean to say, is this a home loan, a small business loan, a vehicle financing loan, or...?

- Well, I overinvested in a lot of shitty marginal funds and real estate scams, and lied to my stockholders about the robustness of my assets, and when people tried to call in their debts I went belly up. I’m not sure what you’d call that.

- Let’s just call it a small business loan. And which one of your group will be receiving the loan?

- A bunch of us. I’d really rather not say who. I’ll just leave a box next to your desk. You fill it up with money and I’ll come get it tomorrow and split it up.

- I see. And how much will you be requiring?

- That’s hard to say. A fucking lot, that’s for sure. Tell you what, I’ll bring the box back on Friday, and you fill it up with cash every day until I say stop.

- What will you be putting up as collateral?

- As what?

- As a guarantee against your loan.

- I don’t understand your financial mumbo jumbo, man. In English, how about that?

- What will you be giving us as value against your defaulting on the loan?

- Oh, I get you. How about nothing?

- Beg your pardon?

- How about a giant sack full of nothing, with nothing on the side and a nothing frosting, and my big fat dick on top of that?

- So what you’re saying is, you want a large loan, which we’re supposed to finance, but you won’t say who gets the money, or how much money you’re going to take, or how you’re ever going to pay us back, or what we get for making you the loan in the first place?

- We think that’s counterproductive.

Comments

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archaica
Nov. 26th, 2008 08:08 pm (UTC)
Wow, I guess that whole "moral hazard" thing amounts to a big bucket of shit, doesn't it? Or, it only applies when you're trying to get little people to use less of what's theirs by right (like, say, health care).
solipsiae
Nov. 26th, 2008 08:18 pm (UTC)
None of this has been funny for me. What the fuck can someone like me do about any of this? Can I minimize the ass-fucking in any way that doesn't involve completely going off-grid for the rest of my life in Mexico? (Which we have thought about, a lot)
solipsiae
Nov. 26th, 2008 08:19 pm (UTC)
Also, by "none of this" I mean the entire financial meltdown in general. Not your observations. Those are always funny until they evolve into fury.
rxgreene
Nov. 26th, 2008 09:29 pm (UTC)
My thing has been -

You left the mature babysitter (that everyone trusts) in charge of the house, gave them cash for groceries, and told them no parties and not to drive the car.

You came back home and found that half the house was burned down, and the car was on it's roof on the lawn and on fire.

So you are going to go out again for the night, and are calling THE SAME BABYSITTER. Worse, THE BABYSITTER THINKS THEY SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO KEEP DOING THE JOB, and in some cases WANT A TIP FOR DOING IT.

I imagine in an earlier time, whoever was in charge would have been killed by an angry mob by now. I'd like to think that someone somewhere is working on a solution appropriate for this day and age.
eatsoylentgreen
Nov. 26th, 2008 11:25 pm (UTC)
it's like they said on Sound Money a few weeks ago, it's like we're making out federal government act like a really bad bank.
lightinchains
Nov. 27th, 2008 06:23 pm (UTC)
By enacting the "giving out money" part of the bill without enacting the "tell congress who we're giving it to" part, aren't the people at Treasury explicitly breaking the law? Why the hell aren't they being ARRESTED?
( 6 SHOTS LICKED — LICK A SHOT )

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Leonard Pierce is a freelance writer wandering around Texas with no sleep or sense of direction. If you give him money he will write something for you. If you are nice to him he may come to your house and get drunk.

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