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Dear friends,

Inspired by a comments thread over at the Onion AV Club, in which a reader wondered what the equivalent of “Once you go black, you never go back” was for Asians, I wrote the following highly offensive couplets:

- Once you go Asia, you’ll have Western aphasia.

- Once you go Chinese, you’ll lust for their hineys.

- Once you go Nippon, no more whites put your lip on.

- Once you go Thailand, no more Yanks on your island.

- Once you go Sino, you’ll avoid the gwai lo.

- In comes Korean, out goes European.

- Hang out in Hong Kong, get a taste for the Hmong schlong.

Deciding that this wasn’t nearly offensive enough, I continued, reckoning that there was no reason that other races and ethnic groups should be excluded:

- Once you go pygmy, no more will you dig me.

- Once you go Jewish, Gentiles simply won’t doish.

- Once you go Hindu, you’ll be shocked what they c’n do.

- Once you go Injun, no more paleface sex bingin’.

- Once you go Spic, gringos won’t flick your Bic.

- Once you’ve had Slav, other races fuck off.

- Once you’ve had coloreds, all the others are dullards.

- Once you’ve had Ainu, you’re all, “What the fuck? How drunk did I get last night, anyway? I think I had sex with an AINU DUDE!”

And so on. I think you all know what to do now.

Comments

( 42 SHOTS LICKED — LICK A SHOT )
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slammerkinbabe
Apr. 21st, 2009 02:59 pm (UTC)
Once you go white, you will convince yourself that a refusal to date any non-white individuals is merely a personal preference and not evidence of racism, and you will get into a lot of Internet flamewars over Craigslist's refusal to allow you to put "Whites only" in your personal ads.
ludickid
Apr. 21st, 2009 03:02 pm (UTC)
HAAAAR.
BLANK - krinndnz - Apr. 21st, 2009 07:42 pm (UTC) - Expand
roninspoon
Apr. 21st, 2009 02:59 pm (UTC)
Once you go yellow, no more Danny Aiello.
ludickid
Apr. 21st, 2009 03:03 pm (UTC)
That's a good one, even if it refers to a very narrow subset of women who started dating an Asian dude right after a period of fucking Danny Aiello.
BLANK - roninspoon - Apr. 21st, 2009 03:39 pm (UTC) - Expand
bassman42
Apr. 21st, 2009 03:02 pm (UTC)
I'm an awful person. I thought those were pretty funny, in a sort of horrible way.
ludickid
Apr. 21st, 2009 03:04 pm (UTC)
How do you think I feel? I WROTE them.
erindubitably
Apr. 21st, 2009 03:03 pm (UTC)
Once you go French, all the others are benched.
ludickid
Apr. 21st, 2009 03:05 pm (UTC)
Once you go dyke, take het wheels off your bike.
Wait this doesn't work as well - erindubitably - Apr. 21st, 2009 03:09 pm (UTC) - Expand
I love tortured scansion - ludickid - Apr. 21st, 2009 03:11 pm (UTC) - Expand
dreamweasel
Apr. 21st, 2009 03:07 pm (UTC)
Once you go neuter, more time on the computer.
ludickid
Apr. 21st, 2009 03:09 pm (UTC)
Niiiiiiiice.
BLANK - bassman42 - Apr. 21st, 2009 10:16 pm (UTC) - Expand
BLANK - thaitea - Apr. 22nd, 2009 05:52 am (UTC) - Expand
calamityjon
Apr. 21st, 2009 03:12 pm (UTC)
Breakin' the law!
Once you go black,
You'll never go back,
Or when sounded like "Ay"
As in "neighbor" or "weigh"
ludickid
Apr. 21st, 2009 03:14 pm (UTC)
Re: Breakin' the law!
This is the church, this is the steeple,
Red sky at morning, sailors take warning,
Leaves of three, let it be,
Except February which has 28.
perich
Apr. 21st, 2009 03:12 pm (UTC)
covering all my angles
Once you go Ukrainian, no more complain'ian.

Roll with the Poles; no more dating assholes.

Go francais and you'll go all the way.

Once you go Irish, stock up on ice packs and diapers (GET IT? GET IT? I SAVED THE HORRIBLE ONE FOR THE END).
ludickid
Apr. 21st, 2009 03:17 pm (UTC)
Re: covering all my angles
Once you go Hibernian, your nethers will be burnin'.
calamityjon
Apr. 21st, 2009 03:12 pm (UTC)
Once you Go Fish, I'll have all your fours.
ludickid
Apr. 21st, 2009 03:18 pm (UTC)
Once you go Go, chess will not be your ho.
BLANK - calamityjon - Apr. 21st, 2009 03:20 pm (UTC) - Expand
BLANK - ludickid - Apr. 21st, 2009 03:23 pm (UTC) - Expand
BLANK - calamityjon - Apr. 21st, 2009 03:24 pm (UTC) - Expand
BLANK - ludickid - Apr. 21st, 2009 03:27 pm (UTC) - Expand
BLANK - dreamweasel - Apr. 21st, 2009 03:33 pm (UTC) - Expand
BLANK - ludickid - Apr. 21st, 2009 03:35 pm (UTC) - Expand
BLANK - dreamweasel - Apr. 21st, 2009 03:40 pm (UTC) - Expand
dreamweasel
Apr. 21st, 2009 03:14 pm (UTC)
Once you go Alaskan, you'll never be askin'.
ludickid
Apr. 21st, 2009 03:20 pm (UTC)
Once you've had an Inuit, you won't let others do it.
dreamweasel
Apr. 21st, 2009 03:15 pm (UTC)
Once you've gone Sweden, you'll never be needin'.
ludickid
Apr. 21st, 2009 03:21 pm (UTC)
Have sex with a Norwegian, keep the Danes out your region.
(Deleted comment)
ludickid
Apr. 21st, 2009 03:36 pm (UTC)
Re: I got nothin
If you make a Dutch oven, Finns won't give you their lovin'.
rxgreene
Apr. 21st, 2009 03:51 pm (UTC)
Once you go Hun, no other butter your buns
Once you go Vandal, none holds a candle
Once you go Visigoth, no once else will get you off
Once you go Gaul, all others will fall
Once you go Norman, all the rest fail performin'
dreamweasel
Apr. 21st, 2009 04:03 pm (UTC)
Once you go Argentinian, nobody else gets in again.
flying_blind
Apr. 21st, 2009 09:47 pm (UTC)
Once you go honky, you'll never do donkey.

saltdawg
Apr. 21st, 2009 10:11 pm (UTC)
I feel dirty, but it was just too easy.
After a small taste of Octaroon, you'll forget all other flavors of poon.
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