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A story:

When Oliver Miller was a center for the Phoenix Suns basketball team, he explained his massive weight gain thus: when his team would win, he would reward himself by eating an Ultimate Cheeseburger from Jack in the Box. When his team would lose, he would punish himself by eating two Ultimate Cheeseburgers from Jack in the Box.

And now, a poll.
Poll #1416090 Politics of the Sneaker Pimps

How many pairs of shoes do you own, and what is your sex?

1-5 pairs, and I am a fella
30(32.6%)
1-5 pairs, and I am a lady
8(8.7%)
6-10 pairs, and I am a fella
17(18.5%)
6-10 pairs, and I am a lady
11(12.0%)
11-20 pairs, and I am a fella
4(4.3%)
11-20 pairs, and I am a lady
14(15.2%)
21-50 pairs, and I am a fella
2(2.2%)
21-50 pairs, and I am a lady
5(5.4%)
51-100 pairs, and I am a fella
0(0.0%)
51-100 pairs, and I am a lady
1(1.1%)
more than 100 pairs, and I am a fella
0(0.0%)
more than 100 pairs, and I am a lady
0(0.0%)
I do not wear shoes
0(0.0%)
I object to your gender-restrictive zzzzzzzz
0(0.0%)

You ever hunt somethin'?

fuck no
58(63.0%)
fuck yeah
11(12.0%)
fuck yeah and I kilt it too
5(5.4%)
the fuck are you talkin' about?
3(3.3%)
fuck
15(16.3%)

How awesome is that Oliver Miller story up top there?

awesome
13(14.4%)
super awesome
13(14.4%)
amazingly super awesome
7(7.8%)
I did not find it awesome at all because I suck
9(10.0%)
it's pretty awesome, but not as awesome as the fact that when Oliver Miller got super fat, Charles Barkley offered to be his weight loss trainer, because who better to help you lose weight than a big old fat dude?
48(53.3%)

Check each of the 15 largest U.S. cities in which you have spent time.

New York, NY
3(3.4%)
Los Angeles, CA
0(0.0%)
Chicago, IL
0(0.0%)
Houston, TX
0(0.0%)
Phoenix, AZ
0(0.0%)
Philadelphia, PA
0(0.0%)
San Antonio, TX
0(0.0%)
San Diego, CA
0(0.0%)
Dallas, TX
0(0.0%)
San Jose, CA
0(0.0%)
Detroit, MI
0(0.0%)
Jacksonville, FL
0(0.0%)
San Francisco, CA
1(1.1%)
Indianapolis, IN
0(0.0%)
Columbus, OH
0(0.0%)

Incorrectly quote "The Big Lebowski".

Comments

( 40 SHOTS LICKED — LICK A SHOT )
littlewashu
Jun. 15th, 2009 03:08 pm (UTC)
I didn't answer the Oliver Miller question because I don't know where "up there" is.
ludickid
Jun. 15th, 2009 03:10 pm (UTC)
Check again -- I was editing and it didn't show up right away.
BLANK - tawdryjones - Jun. 15th, 2009 03:11 pm (UTC) - Expand
rjwhite
Jun. 15th, 2009 03:24 pm (UTC)
By "hunt" I mean "fish poorly."
feisty_robot
Jun. 15th, 2009 10:50 pm (UTC)
Huh. I don't think I have ever considered fishing as an isotope of hunting, but it totally is. You just blew my mind, man.
roninspoon
Jun. 15th, 2009 03:35 pm (UTC)
It's been years since I've hunted anything except the elusive and dangerous Free Cocktail. In my youth though, when I lived in Alaska and Missouri, I spent quite a bit of time hunting small game. Never any big game for some reason, but I did skin a frozen moose in the back of a pick up once.
picodulce
Jun. 15th, 2009 04:01 pm (UTC)
what is "spending time?" having intercourse? sleeping? having a drink? getting to the point where you say "dude, let's go back to [that place around the corner]"? please clarify, sir.
ludickid
Jun. 15th, 2009 04:06 pm (UTC)
Let's say, you have to have spent at least 24 hours there, and you have to have gone somewhere in it other than the airport and/or a hotel.
BLANK - happinesstogo - Jun. 15th, 2009 04:24 pm (UTC) - Expand
BLANK - schtune - Jun. 15th, 2009 05:15 pm (UTC) - Expand
BLANK - petit_chou - Jun. 15th, 2009 05:43 pm (UTC) - Expand
lester22
Jun. 15th, 2009 04:11 pm (UTC)
Jesus, three people have used the "find a stranger in the Alps" line. Truly, we are sheep.
hooper_x
Jun. 15th, 2009 04:14 pm (UTC)
i am horrified to realize how many pairs of shoes i own. i am more horrified to realize that i wear maybe three of them on a regular basis.
hooper_x
Jun. 15th, 2009 07:06 pm (UTC)
Also: way to use actual city limits and not MSA data, 'cause ATLANTA.

also also: re: this: I suppose it would have been too much to ask for The Dragon Lives Again!, a Brucesploitation joint in which Bruce Liang or Dragon Le or one of those fuckers goes to hell and teams up with Popeye and Caine from Kung Fu to fight James Bond, The Man With No Name, Zatoichi, Dracula and The Godfather. Also, Emmanuelle. Holy christ.
lester22
Jun. 15th, 2009 04:15 pm (UTC)
Also, Leonard, how is it possible that you haven't spent any time in NYC?
picodulce
Jun. 15th, 2009 04:38 pm (UTC)
it is a great mystery to all. also, New York's fucking expensive.
BLANK - ludickid - Jun. 15th, 2009 05:22 pm (UTC) - Expand
roseyv
Jun. 15th, 2009 04:37 pm (UTC)
Also, Columbus, Ohio counts as a "big" city, but Boston doesn't?
bing_crosby
Jun. 15th, 2009 04:41 pm (UTC)
I believe that Boston usually ranks lower than expected b/c its metro area is much bigger than Boston proper. Vice-versa is true for Philly (many areas that would be separate in other cities are actually within the borders).
BLANK - ludickid - Jun. 15th, 2009 05:22 pm (UTC) - Expand
bing_crosby
Jun. 15th, 2009 04:40 pm (UTC)
People own less than FIVE pairs of shoes? wow.
ludickid
Jun. 15th, 2009 05:24 pm (UTC)
Man, SERIOUSLY. Dudes, you don't have to be a sneaker pimp like me, but if you own less than five pair of shoes, there is something wrong with you. Considerations of style aside, you don't even own enough shoes in a functional, practical sense.
BLANK - calamityjon - Jun. 15th, 2009 07:03 pm (UTC) - Expand
BLANK - rxgreene - Jun. 15th, 2009 07:35 pm (UTC) - Expand
BLANK - masterninja66 - Jun. 16th, 2009 01:21 am (UTC) - Expand
BLANK - calamityjon - Jun. 16th, 2009 02:25 am (UTC) - Expand
BLANK - masterninja66 - Jun. 16th, 2009 02:30 am (UTC) - Expand
BLANK - rxgreene - Jun. 16th, 2009 06:44 pm (UTC) - Expand
BLANK - vito_excalibur - Jun. 16th, 2009 03:10 am (UTC) - Expand
BLANK - dreamweasel - Jun. 16th, 2009 03:10 pm (UTC) - Expand
thebitterguy
Jun. 15th, 2009 05:31 pm (UTC)
I seriously need to do some touristing in your fine country. My three picks were all for a nerd show of one kind or another.
happinesstogo
Jun. 15th, 2009 06:45 pm (UTC)
I played the shoe-counting game with a friend a few years ago and he was on the low end with his total. I was mentally calculating all of mine and when I thought I was finished I said, "Oh wait! I forgot the silly shoes!" and my friend said, "You have silly shoes?" and I was all, well, yeah, doesn't everyone? Apparently not.
superdaintykate
Jun. 15th, 2009 07:16 pm (UTC)
I gave away my silly shoes when we moved.

Well, not all of them, of course. I still have the platform Frankenboots and the holographic glitter heels. And the thigh-high patent boots. And the red and black Carmen Miranda wedges. But, you know, the SILLY ones.
BLANK - kudaspeaks - Jun. 15th, 2009 08:15 pm (UTC) - Expand
ndgmtlcd
Jun. 15th, 2009 10:00 pm (UTC)
What you said about Oliver Miller reminds me of that quote from Georges Clemenceau about drinking champagne as a reward after a triumph and also drinking champagne after a defeat, as a comfort.

"Ah, le champagne! Dans le triomphe notre récompense, dans la défaite notre réconfort."

But champagne doesn't taste as good as cheeseburgers so I'm all for Oliver Miller even if I'd never heard of him before you posted this.
anne_jumps
Jun. 15th, 2009 11:37 pm (UTC)
The lingamberry answer wins forever.
masterninja66
Jun. 16th, 2009 01:23 am (UTC)
The Ultimate Cheeseburger is one of the few foods I miss, along with Lucky Wishbone and Pat's Chili Dogs.
unsee1ie
Jun. 16th, 2009 03:56 am (UTC)
There are no boats at Pier 1.
dreamweasel
Jun. 16th, 2009 03:08 pm (UTC)
I went to Wal-Mart, but they would not sell me any walls.
( 40 SHOTS LICKED — LICK A SHOT )