...but that savage animal mrdankelly beat me to that shit, bitin' like he was Rich Kiel.

SONGS THAT I LIKE UNIRONICALLY
1. "Let the Sun Shine In", the 5th Dimension
2. many songs by Three Dog Night
3. "Some Heads Are Gonna Roll", Judas Priest
4. "Join Together", the Who
5. "Eminence Front", also the Who

THINGS THAT I DO TO TRY AND BE FUNNY AGAIN NOW THAT I AM AFRAID I AM NO LONGER FUNNY
1. look at shit on my desk and see if any of it has an interesting backstory
2. continue conversations that take place on TV or in movies beyond their actual terminus
3. look at stuff I wrote back when I was funny and rip it off
4. look at stuff other funny people wrote and rip that off
5. hit myself in various sensitive locations with a hammer

SONGS THAT I LIKE IRONICALLY
1. "God Bless the U.S.A.", Lee Greenwood
2. "Japanese Boy", Aneka
3. "God Give Me Strength", Elvis Costello
4. "Ironic", Alanis Morrisette
5. "Yackety Sax", Boots Randolf*

THINGS THAT ARE SOMETIMES FUNNY, BUT SOMETIMES NOT, SO YOU HAVE TO BE REALLY CAREFUL WHEN MAKING JOKES ABOUT THEM
1. recently deceased people, especially if they are famous and/or well-liked
2. masturbation
3. Henry Kissinger
4. certain diseases
5. communism

THINGS ON WHICH I COULD EASILY SPEND WAY, WAY TOO MUCH MONEY IF I WEREN'T CAREFUL
1. Neighborhoodies
2. HeroClix
3. specialized ammunition
4. making prostitutes behave like characters in Thomas Pynchon novels
5. robots/'white pride' paraphernalia/Wendy & Lisa (tie)

SPECIAL BONUS NON-NUMBERED LIST: PERFORMERS/MUSICIANS BY WHOM I HAVE FIVE OR MORE ALBUMS
Aesop Rock, the Archers of Loaf, the Ass Ponys, Johann Sebastian Bach, the Beatles, Beck, Belle & Sebastian, Big Black, Black Sabbath, Boredoms, David Bowie, Camper van Beethoven, Johnny Cash, the Clash, John Coltrane, Elvis Costello, Cypress Hill, Miles Davis, De La Soul, Bob Dylan, Steve Earle, Eleventh Dream Day, Brian Eno, John Fahey, the Fall, the Firesign Theatre, Fishbone, the Flat Duo Jets, Robbie Fulks, Funkadelic, Gang Starr, Philip Glass, Guided By Voices, Keiji Haino, P.J. Harvey, Hella, His Name Is Alive, Robyn Hitchcock, Freddie Hubbard, Hüsker Dü, Jandek, Jay-Z, Low, Arthur Lyman, Magma, MF Doom, Charles Mingus, the Minutemen, Mountain Goats, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Muslimgauze, Negativland, Willie Nelson, Randy Newman, Nirvana, Michael Nyman, Palace, Harry Partch, Pavement, People Like Us, Pere Ubu, Lee "Scratch" Perry, the Pixies, Public Enemy, the Quiet American, R.E.M., Radiohead, the Ramones, Redman, Lou Reed, the Residents, the Rolling Stones, Sonny Rollins, Run On, the Sadies, Sebadoh, Sleater-Kinney, Sonic Youth, Spoon, Bruce Springsteen, Sufjan Stevens, Richard Strauss, the Sun City Girls, Supersilent, Talking Heads, They Might Be Giants, Uncle Tupelo, Van der Graaf Generator, the Velvet Underground, Tom Waits, Wire, X, XTC, Yo La Tengo, Dwight Yoakum, Neil Young, Warren Zevon, ZZ Top.

Christ, I'm such a middle-aged white guy.

*: Actually, my enjoyment of this song has moved beyond irony and into a sort of mutated pseudo-sincerity. See also 'Yakov Smirnoff jokes'.

Today’s dream come true is the wishiest wish of mckennl, who, were this the 1930s, I would describe as a plenty swell dame. In fact, I am going to do so, even though this is not the 1930s. Anyway, her Christmas wish was for a list of songs that would please her were she to “download” them, which is apparently something the kids do these days.

I’m gonna go you one better, Lizabelle: here’s a list of songs you might like from the last ten year’s worth of my Albums of the Year. ( Under the cut to avoid boring people who won’t care about this. )

And now, because I know you’ve been waiting for it all year, my best-in-music picks for 2006 (THAT RHYMES!). Some version of this list will be appearing in two magazines, two free weeklies, and a couple of websites, but you get it for nothin', just for showing up today! It’s like you’re Sir Galahad, and your Holy Grail is having a fat music geek for an imaginary friend. How I envy you!

Anyway:

THE TOP TEN ALBUMS OF 2006
1. Neko Case, Fox Confessor Brings the Flood
2. Built to Spill, You in Reverse
3. Ghostface Killah, Fishscale
4. TV on the Radio, Return to Cookie Mountain
5. The Melvins, A Senile Animal
6. His Name Is Alive, Detrola
7. Slayer, Christ Illusion
8. Mr. Lif, Mo’ Mega
9. Gnarls Barkley, St. Elsewhere
10. Belle & Sebastian, The Life Pursuit

Didn’t quite make it, but still pretty good: T.I., King; Regina Spektor, Begin to Hope; Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy, The Letting Go; the Coup, Pick a Bigger Weapon; Mission of Burma, The Obliterati; Lupe Fiasco, Food & Liquor; Mountain Goats, Get Lonely; Clipse, Hell Hath No Fury; Bruce Springsteen, We Shall Overcome: The Seeger Sessions; Five Deez, Kommunicator.

THE TOP TEN SONGS OF 2006
1. Built to Spill, “Goin’ Against Your Mind”
2. Clipse, “Trill”
3. Lupe Fiasco, “Kick, Push”
4. TV on the Radio, “Wolf Like Me”
5. Regina Spektor, “Fidelity”
6. T.I., “I’m Talkin’ to You”
7. Gnarls Barkley, “Crazy”
8. Mission of Burma, “1,001 Pleasant Dreams”
9. Neko Case, “Hold On, Hold On”
10. Soul Position, “Keep It Hot for Daddy”

Didn’t quite make it, but still pretty good: Ghostface Killah, “Underwater”; Slayer, “Jihad”; the Rakes, “22 Grand Job”; Guster, “Satellite”, Murder By Death, “Sometimes the Line Walks You”; Belle & Sebastian, “We Are the Sleepyheads”; Aceyalone, “High Lights”; the Coup, “Laugh/Love/Fuck”; Dabrye, “Viewer Discretion”; Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy, “Big Friday”.

THE TOP TEN REISSUES OF 2006, LIKE ANYONE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT REISSUES BUT FOR SOME REASON A LOT OF POLLS MAKE YOU PICK THEM

1. Pavement, Wowee Zowee (Sordid Sentinels Edition)
2. Wire, Pink Flag
3. Wire, 154
4. The Green Arrows, 4 Track Recording Session
5. Public Image Ltd., Metal Box
6. Willie Nelson, The Complete Atlantic Sessions
7. Gram Parsons, The Complete Reprise Sessions
8. Talking Heads, Remain in Light
9. Kool Keith, Sex Style
10. Chris Bell, I am the Cosmos

SEVEN REASONS WHY THE BALKANIZATION/FRAGMENTATION/POSTMODERN HIBBETY-JIBBETING OF MUSIC FINALLY CRUSHED EVERY SHARD OF COHERENCE, FLOW AND CONTINUITY INTO INVISIBLE FRAGMENTS OF GOOFER DUST AND RENDERED US, THE CRITICS, WHOSE ROLE HAD PREVIOUSLY BEEN AS VALOROUS AND RESPECTED AS THAT OF JESUS CHRIST OR A UNITED STATES MARINE, A BUNCH OF WORTHLESS SWAG RECEPTACLES, THUS ENSURING THAT THE PLEASURE OF LISTENING IS RUINED FOREVER AND NOTHING GOOD WILL EVER BE RECORDED AGAIN:

1. Steve Albini has inexplicably produced a record by a harp-playing elf. Even more inexplicably, the critics love it.

2. The rap world has been taken by storm by a skateboarding Muslim from Chicago.

3. Bruce Springsteen has been spotted singing "How Can a Poor Man Stand Such Times and Live?".

4. A supergroup has been formed consisting of Jack White and some other guys you never heard of.

5. Bitter and fierce wars of words have broken out between white and black rap fans over the issue of realness. These wars have taken place on that realest of battlefields, the internet.

6. Someone subjected Tori Amos to a de-crazying treatment, renamed her Regina Spektor, and, in so doing, compelled her to put out the best album of her career.

7. Slayer, Mission of Burma, and Yo La Tengo all put out remarkably good records, which is indicative of something totally meaningful and not at all that I am getting old.

IN FOR 2007:

- holistic plumbing
- frozen okra on a stick (with or without chocolate)
- artless euphemisms
- prick-lit (lightly humorous urban novels about male stock market traders)
- ironic old-lady sequined kitty sweatshirts
- Shakespeare revivals (not of his plays, but attempts to reanimate his corpse)
- virtual cooking
- Welsh-style pizza (lamb, leeks & Caerphilly)
- adopting Third World turtles
- the Not-So-Special Olympics (for non-mentally-challenged but nonetheless lazy, stupid and awkward athletes)

Speaking of the Geneva Conventions, though, they really do need to be reassessed. Whether or not torture works as an interrogation tactic, our forces do need to be able to threaten captured terrorists with something in order to prevent further loss of life, and honestly, those WWI-era codes are simply too restrictive for our modern era. Just look at the list of what is forbidden:

- physical abuse

- mental cruelty

- threats of death

- the use of any type of coercion to extract information

- deprivation, isolation or inhumane treatment

- playing a continual mixtape of nothing but Billy Joel and Eagles songs

- asking a prisoner "guess what?" a bunch of times and then finally saying "that's what!"

- waving open bags of tasty pork rinds in front of Muslim detainees' noses

- refusing to allow POWs access to half-meat/half-veggie pizzas

- wedgies, purple nurples, pink-bellies, knucklebusters and swirlies

- spankings (non-birthday)

- telling detainees that you guess someone else will get to go to summer camp in their place

- homework on Fridays

- putting prisoners on hold for more than three minutes

- making female diminutives of POWs' names ("Mohammedina", "Jamalette", etc.)

The Official State Vices

Alabama: yelling “ROLL TIDE”!
Alaska: bear-baiting
Arizona: making convicts wear pink underwear
Arkansas: pig-fucking
California: weed
Colorado: fundamentalist Christianity
Connecticut: overuse of SportsCenter catchphrases
Delaware: paint-huffing
Florida: cocaine
Georgia: making racist puns around the name of the public transit system
Hawaii: umbrella drinks
Idaho: forming militias
Illinois: bribery
Indiana: teenage pregnancy
Iowa: downloading porn over WebTV
Kansas: denying evolution
Kentucky: taking potshots at revenuers
Louisiana: telling people that the levees will hold
Maine: writing 1000-page horror novels
Maryland: murder
Massachusetts: giving food products unusual names
Michigan: setting fire to your town once a year for no reason
Minnesota: folksiness
Mississippi: lynching
Missouri: acting like you’re not a southern state even though you totally are
Montana: forming militias, only real ones, not like those fake-ass ones in Idaho
Nebraska: doing donuts
Nevada: hookers
New Hampshire: giving the press bogus answers during caucus season
New Jersey: whacking stool pigeons
New Mexico: exploiting the native population
New York: heroin
North Carolina: cigarettes
North Dakota: Polar Bear clubs
Ohio: voter fraud
Oklahoma: believing in angels
Oregon: homosexuality
Pennsylvania: resentment
Rhode Island: ether frolics
South Carolina: racism
South Dakota: eating paste
Tennessee: bootlegging
Texas: executing people
Utah: polygamy
Vermont: Chunky Monkey
Virginia: promiscuity
Washington: coffee
West Virginia: incest
Wisconsin: strip clubs
Wyoming: masturbation

This is dedicated to my awesome girlfriend ninafarina. She and her ridiculously adorable daughter gave me a fine weekend and a couple of swell presents for "Leonard's Day", and so, by request, here we go.

1. He is hard as hell.
2. He will battle anybody.
3. He doesn't care who you tell about his willingness to battle anybody.
4. He excels, while other rappers all fail.
5. You have been starvin' like Marvin* for a song performed by him.
6. If you wept because you thought he was dead, you were not only wrong, you were definitely wrong.
7. He is a tower full of power -- wind, rain or hail.
8. He is the king of crowd-rockers (after, presumably, a period as prince of crowd-rockers).
9. He is as true as a wizard (not a lying, deceitful wizard, but a wizard who always tells the truth).
10. He's rhyming and designing** with your girl on his lap. For sex!
11. His bass is kicking and always sticking, because you like it that way.
12. His music makes you dance because it's def, plus it's by Cool J! To boot!
13. He rocks the bells because that's the name of this jam (not "That's", but rather "Rock the Bells").
14. Even though some girls will not like this jam, it is because he makes a lot of money and their boyfriends don't.***
15. He went to hell just to rock the bells!
16. All the washed-up rappers want to do this well. But they can't !
17. He's known worldwide, whether you like it or not. What can you do about it? Nothing!
18. His DJ will never skip it (it=the record), only rip it (the record, again).
19. His DJ's name, by no means incidentally, is Cut Creator.
20. A.K.A. Phil Pott.
21. And this Cut Creator will drive the crossfader like a Cutmobile, which is a sort of fantastic vehicle driven by exceptionally talented DJs.
22. He (L.L. Cool J, not Cut Creator) can go to the store and get the Old Gold. This may not seem all that impressive, but YOU TRY IT! YOU TRY IT! YOU WILL FAIL!
23. If you crappy-lookin', nappy-headed girls do not get back, there is a 10-1 chance that you might get smacked.****
24. Girls are on his tip (dick) simply because L.L. is his name.
25. Cut Creator is good, but Cool J is good-good! That's two goods! Double good!
26. If you bring the woodpecker, he will bring the wood. What good is a woodpecker without wood? It is worse than useless! It's merely a pecker (dick)!
27. He is not a virgin, and thanks to this quality, he will make Madonna scream (for sex)!
28. You have hated Michael (Jackson) and Prince ever since hearing him.
29. If the aforementioned Michael (Jackson) and Prince had beats that were made of meat*****, they (the beats) would have to be mince.
30. He rhymes on time, like the trains under Mussolini.
31. He will cut a record in 1 second.
32. He will make your DJ look blind. He will not actually be blind, but he will look that way to others, except to actual blind people who wouldn't be able to see it.
33. He is able to identify Jheri-curl suckers wearing high-heeled boots as a Froot Loop troop******.
34. Gonna-bes and wanna-bes have difficulty learning that if they want to be like him, they have to wait their turn.
35. Some suckers don't like him, but he doesn't even care.
36. He earns six thousand dollars for twenty minutes of work.*******
37. He is growing and glowing like a forest blaze.
38. If asked if you like Michael (Jackson), you will automatically respond "We like Cool J!".
39. He's on the mic with the help of the bells. Not that he needs any help!********
40. There's no delaying what he's saying as he's rocking you well! That's polite!

*:Possible Marvins you have been starving like: Hamlisch, Hagler, Gaye, Winans.
**: But not designing like some kind of gay interior decorator, no! Just look at that girl (yours!) on his lap!
***: TOTAL BURN ON THEM GIRLS AND THEIR BROKE-ASS BOYFRIENDS
****: Actually, the odds are ten for to one against getting slapped. L.L. Cool J has no time for nerdy bookie math!
*****: They don't.
******: Not in the cereal sense, but in the homo sense.
*******: That's $18,000 per hour, or roughly $37 million per year, in case you were wondering. And that's in 1985 dollars! TOP THAT!
********: As evidence, there are no actual bells in the song!

1. No rapper can rap quite like he can (rap).
2. He can take a musclebound man (other than himself) and put his face in the sand.
3. He will make you say "go, L.L.!"
4. He will then either do the wop, or make you say "do the wop". After you have said "go, L.L.!"
5. He has never met a motherfucker who can outrun him.
6. He's better (than you).
7. His rhymes are good.
8. He has a gold nameplate that says "I WISH YOU WOULD".*
9. Before his rhyme is over, he's going to win. You know it.
10. The kid (that is, L.L. Cool J) don't play. You can ask anybody in the crowd, and they will tell you.
11. Sparring competition is both his hobby and his job.
12. He doesn't wear a disguise, because he totalled the mob.
13. There are so many girls on his jock (dick), he thinks his phone is tapped.
14. He's bad (meaning good)!
15. He's like Tyson (back when that meant 'tough boxer', not 'crazy person').
16. His rhymes are made of concrete.
17. He had been rapping for ten years, as of 1987, which means by now he's been rapping for nearly thirty.
18. Even when he's bragging, he's being sincere. It seems contradictory, but it's true.
19. He makes MCs rust like tin (with his rhymes, not with water).
20. He has not relaxed even though he is making records.
21. He is the best rapper you've heard.
22. Prior to attaining the top of the charts, he used to rock in his basement.
23. He is punctual and does not deign to wait in queues.
24. Before engaging him, you have to learn how to rhyme. Because you don't know how, yet.
25. He is the pinnacle, which means he reigns supreme (it doesn't really mean that, but still).
26. He will crush you like a jelly bean.**
27. He eliminates punks by cutting them up in chunks.
28. He's so good, it's a shame (for you!).
29. He eats rappers like a cannibal (who eats rappers).
30. They call him insane (which would be true, if he really ate other rappers, but it's just a metaphor).
31. He enjoys what he's doing (rapping), PLUS he's paid in full! To boot!
32. He's not Buckaroo Banzai (but he's still awesome!).
33. He says the kind of rhymes (good ones) that make MCs wish he would die.
34. He is the baddest (goodest!) rapper in the history of rap itself.***
35. If you want a hit song, all you have to do is give him a pen and a pad and one hour.
36. He can beat (and eat!) MCs in a battle even without the cooperation of the referees.
37. His "Cool J cookies" are superior to Oreos.****
38. When he retires, he will be worshiped like an old battleship (that is worshiped by some sort of battleship cult).
39. His paycheck is large.
40. He is the original Todd. This seems unlikely, but it's true. There were no Todds before him.
41. He can take the skin from a snake and split a pea from a pod.
42. You try to brag, but you get your rhymes from a grab-bag (of low quality).
43. You are a no-good scavenger, and either a catfish and a vulture or a catfish vulture.
44. If a rap battle were a sculpture competition, his tongue would be a chisel.

*:Come on, that's pretty bad-ass.
**: When he says this, I get chills, for real.
***: I mean, seriously, HOLY FUCKING SHIT, right?
****: If there really were Cool J Cookies, I would totally eat them.

This stuff was all thought up a long time ago when people were like totally old and square and stuff. It's time for a change.

PROPOSED NEW NAMES FOR THE DAYS OF THE WEEK
Monday: Sickday
Tuesday: Pizzaday
Wednesday: Humpday
Thursday: Bushday
Friday: Partyday
Saturday: ATVday
Sunday: Godday

PROPOSED NEW NAMES FOR THE MONTHS OF THE YEAR
January: Colduary
February: Shortuary
March: March (or Supportourtroopsuary)
April: SPRING BREAK!
May: Might
June: Summer
July: The Month of America
August: Summer II -- Summer's Revenge
September: Falltember
October: Hallowober
November: Votember
December: Christember

And finally, my cultural Year in Review.

BEST PORNOGRAPHIC MOVIES OF THE YEAR
1. Bareback Mountin'
2. Capooty
3. The 20-Year-Old Virgin
4. Syriyoni
5. Good Night and Good Fuck

ALBUMS OF THE YEAR
1. The Decemberists, Hipsteresque
2. Sufjan Stevens, The Story of a Singer/Songwriter Desperately in Search of Something Interesting to Say About Delaware
3. MF Doom feat. Bullwinkle, The Moose and the Mask
4. An'tn'y & the Jahnsons, I'm a Boid Nows
5. Andrew Egg, The Mysterious Production of Chickens

NOVELS OF THE YEAR
1. Haruki Murakami, Murakami on the Best-Seller List
2. Ian McEwan, I Am Not the Guy from Deadwood
3. Zadie Smith, On Booty
4. Curtis Sittenfeld, Oh Boy, Another Novel About the Struggles of Upper-Class White People
5. Philip Roth, So Have I Mentioned I'm Jewish?

THE YEAR'S BEST REALITY SHOWS
1. America's Next Top Model Railroad
2. The Apprentice: Vincent Gallo
3. Trading Spouses: Beat Your New Mommy
4. Survivor XIV: Olympus Mons
5. Breaking Bonaparte

THE YEAR IN SPORT
1. Yankees again fail to win World Series
2. Apparently there was no hockey last year
3. Yankees file official protest against Yankee-free World Series
4. Lance Armstrong's tumor wins Tour de France
5. Yankees look forward to winning 2006 World Series

Since manningkrull and calamityjon are exhuming old holiday stuff they've done in the past, I'm gonna do the same, because I want to be popular like the cool kids. And since the Ludic Log is rebooting in the new year (no, really!), I figured it can't hurt to remind people it's there. So, first off, some old Christmas Lists:

SIGNS THAT CHRISTMAS IS ON THE WAY
1. People start feeling sorry for Muslims and Jews instead of hating them
2. Junk food acquires festive package redesign
3. Forests are decimated for harvesting of Christmas trees rather than for making grazing land for future Big Macs
4. Characters on popular television shows suddenly manifest brief interest in the lives of other human beings
5. Normal American consumerist frenzy becomes rabid consumerist psychotic breakdown

WHAT JESUS IS DOING FOR HIS BIRTHDAY
1. Making prank phone calls to Barrabas
2. Resisting urge to tell Mary that all He ever wears is a robe and sandals, so maybe just once she could refrain from buying Him a necktie
3. Telling all His friends for the 1,995th time how much it sucks to have your birthday and Christmas on the same day
4. Wondering what it would have been like if He'd taken Satan up on the whole temptation thing
5. Having a nice, quiet get-together where he invites a few of his closest friends who didn't send him to Earth to get horribly tortured and murdered; not inviting Dad

REALISTIC NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS FOR THE NON-GOAL-ORIENTED
1. Getting up at some point, or at least trying to avoid bedsores.
2. Eating less. Or possibly more. At the very least, making some sort of change in dietary habits. For example, no more egg nog after the holidays.
3. Making vow not to follow in footsteps of Hitler, Stalin, or Pol Pot. For the most part.
4. Finally getting around to making a list of all the books you meant to read over the last few years.
5. Creating new set of resolutions this time next year.

MORE CHRISTMAS MYTHS EXPLODED
1. Wise men not all that wise, as evidenced by their bad financial investments, foolish romantic entanglements, and prediction that the Saducees were the "horse to bet on", theologically speaking
2. Shepherds were not actually keeping watch over flocks by night, but were all just hanging out in the fields getting high
3. Jesus' virgin birth slightly less miraculous when you got a look at the guy who delivered pizza in Joseph's neighborhood
4. Herod's order to kill every first-born child was initially order to count every first-born child, taken to extremes by unstable census worker faced with unusually high fertility rates
5. There was room at the inn, but Joseph had maxed out all his credit cards on a kegger for him and the other boys at the carpenter's shop

A WU-TANG CHRISTMAS
1. On the first day of Christmas, Inspectah gave to me tracks like quarterback sacks from L.T.
2. On the second day of Christmas, the Meth Man gave to me another corn chopped by the Wu-Tang sword
3. On the third day of Christmas, the RZA gave to me eighty proof Absolut mixed with cranberry fruit juice
4. On the fourth day of Christmas, Chef Raekwon gave to me style wilder than a praying mantis
5. On the fifth day of Christmas, the U-God gave to me golden pinky rings (shit!)
6. On the sixth day of Christmas, the Ghostface gave to me golden brass diamond embroideries
7. On the seventh day of Christmas, Cappadonna gave to me somethin' in the street went BANG-BANG
8. On the eighth day of Christmas, the Masta gave to me trendsetters in Wu leathers, whatever
9. On the ninth day of Christmas, O.D.B. gave to me a walk with the Nine-Finger Bandits worldwide
10. On the tenth day of Christmas, Street Life gave to me an egg crashed by his hellz wind staff
11. On the eleventh day of Christmas, dog Shyheim gave to me an N.W.A. with a nineteen-shot Glizzy
12. On the twelfth day of Christmas, the GZA gave to me the rudeness, the reckless, the motherfuckin' ruckus

ATHEIST CHRISTMAS TRADITIONS
1. The drinking of the secular eggnog laced with cognac
2. The hanging out with Jewish friends and snickering
3. The not feeling guilty because we're spending our savior's birthday helping our kid assemble a $300 scooter
4. The rolling of the eyes at the B.C. Christmas cartoon
5. The retelling of the story of Christ, with a special emphasis on how God totally played him for a chump

ST. NICK'S ASSISTANTS
1. St. Rick (responsible for delivering 'adult' presents like lingerie and sex toys, so Santa doesn't traumatize any children by accidentally leaving the wrong package)
2. St. Mick (stocking up on booze)
3. St. Slick (putting a brand-new tube of bright orange lipstick in every good hooker's fishnet stocking)
4. St. Hick (wavin' around a shootin' iron an' tellin' the revenooers to git off yer property)
5. St. Dick ("looking after" Mrs. Claus while Santa is away)

NEW REINDEER
1. Dienstag
2. Blitzkrieg
3. Glitzen
4. Comic
5. Sloan

ELF LABOR LAWS
1. must never be called "little people"
2. no work on Easter, Martin Luther King Day, Elfest, and other major Elven holidays
3. reparations from Dudley Moore
4. no more working outside because "it's such a nice day, for the north pole"
5. Mrs. Claus keeps her racist jokes to herself

SANTA BEEF
1. didn't get any licensing money for Bad Santa
2. those claim-jumping bastards at eClaus.com
3. Just For Men is really hard to find up here
4. PETA getting on my ass about the fucking reindeer
5. too many cookies, not enough gin

NEW HOLIDAY CLASSICS
1. "Jingle Bell Drum 'n' Bass Odyssey"
2. "God Rest Ye, Mary Gentlemen"
3. "O Come All Ye Marianne Faithfull"
4. "Put a Little Jesus in Your Eggnog"
5. "A Bill Buckley Christmas"

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS
1. My two front teeth
2. My left kidney
3. The second, fourth and fifth fingers of my right hand
4. The lower three inches of my spine
5. All the other stuff I lost in the fight with that security guard at SantaLand Village

SHORT-LIVED NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
1. Patch things up with Poland (Adolf Hitler, 1938)
2. Stay away from the nurses (Richard Speck, 1966)
3. Get serious about finishing the novel (J.D. Salinger, 1964-present)
4. Ask the guys to let me back in the band (Pete Best, 1963)
5. Don't get wiped out by, I dunno, a giant tidal wave or something (Rasham Puriman, 2004)

WHY 2005 WILL BE THE BEST YEAR EVER
1. adds up to lucky seven!
2. possible Rolling Stones farewell tour, this time for sure!
3. that Osama bin-Laden guy has been keeping pretty quiet!
4. manned mission to Mars, any day now!
5. Martha Stewart gets out of jail and can get back to running her benevolent, folksy multi-billion-dollar merchandising empire!

POSSIBLE REPLACEMENTS FOR DICK CLARK'S NEW YEAR'S ROCKIN' EVE
1. David Brock & Media Matters' New Year's Brockin' Eve
2. Don Dokken's New Year's Dokken Eve
3. Father Paul Shanley's New Year's Defrockin' Eve
4. Mobb Deep's New Year's Glockin' Eve
5. Shabbadoo Quinones & the Boogaloo Shrimp's New Year's Poppin' and Lockin' Eve

NEW YEAR'S CHILDREN'S SPECIALS
1. 1974: The Little Year That Couldn't
2. A Toilet-Trained New Year
3. How To Get Out of a Resolution with Tom Arnold
4. Ring in the New Year By Buying More Yugi-Oh Booster Packs
5. Old Man 2005 & Baby 2006: A Celebration of Diapers

FROM THE K-MART 99-CENT DVD BIN: FORGOTTEN HOLIDAY SPECIALS FROM TV'S GOLDEN PAST

Slap-Around Christmas with Bing
Jackie Gleason's Eggnog Hour
AfterM*A*S*H Presents: Hannukah in Pusan
Rev. Clement McLemore's Holiday Race-Music Bonfire
Sonny Sharrock's New Year's Free-Jazzin' Eve
U.S. Steel's Industrial Might Variety Christmas (with Jaye P. Morgan)
Kwanzaa with Nipsey
Lucky Strike's Stocking Stuffers Guide to E-Z Christmas Shopping
The Elf Who Killed
What Finally Happened to Baby Jesus and Who Must Be Punished For It, with Father James Brophy
Racy J. Smuttelberg's Really Blue Christmas
Bob Hope's Christmas with the Troops 1974: Victory in Vietnam!

Let's Make Cave Art
Get Hot Air Balloonin'!
Taxidermy Superstar!
Clog-Dancing for Transsexuals
Everybody Loves Fish-Gutting
Saturday Night Scrimshaw
Tap Dancin' Backwards with Rodney Allen Rippy
Kanban Production Operations Managament for the Holidays
Rock 'n' Roll Sand Painting
Operate a Weather Station Like the NFL Legends!

What's on your how-to shelf?

On the subject of the next issue of the High Hat, this edition’s special section will be “The Academy of the Underrated” – the critically or publicly ignored or reviled, reassessed by our crack staff of unpaid life-wasters. Unfortunately, as much as we’d love to publish everything we get, space is limited, and we had to reject the following pitches. Apologies to those who didn’t make the cut, including:

Lionel Fanthorpe: The James Joyce of Gamlingay Village
Patricia Highsmith’s Women: A Study in Three Dimensions
Marc Singer’s Most Challenging Roles
Guns, Boom Mics and Empty Warehouses: The World of Albert Pyun
Does Existence Precede Essence, or What?: The Interior Landscapes of Cherry Poptart
Joe Dolce: No, Whatsa Matta You?
The 2003 Detroit Tigers, Revisited
There’s a Heart Where My Wang Should Be: The Golden Age of “Love Is”
Nicolae Ceacescu and the Myth of the Dictator
Vincent Gallo’s The Brown Bunny: Hey, Like You’ve Ever Gotten Your Prosthetic Cock Sucked By Chloe Sevigny
Brief Interviews with People Who Think the Last Episode of The Prisoner Made Perfect Sense
Bret Easton Ellis: A Revolution in Creative Editing
Adrian Tomine, the Blatantly-Ripping-Off-Dan-Clowes Years
“My Son is Day-ud! You Bas-terd!”: Andie MacDowell and the Art of Forced Line Readings
David Gerrold: Nearly Half a Dozen Episodes of Land of the Lost and Every Goddamn One a Gem
How “Mallard Fillmore” Solved the Israel-Palestine Conflict
Anne Murray, Gordon Lightfoot & Celine Dion: How Three Canadians Revolutionized American Rock
Winning Isn’t Everything, or For That Matter, Anything: The Triumphs of Anna Kournikova

WOMEN'S TENNIS PLAYERS WHO SOUND LIKE JAMES BOND VILLAINS

1. Maria Sharapova
2. Anna Smashnova
3. Elena Dementieva

MOVIES NOW PLAYING IN THE CHICAGO AREA I HAD NO TROUBLE TURNING INTO PORN TITLES:

Ali: Fear Eats My Snatch
The Amityville Whorer
Are You In Yet?
'Bating List
Because of Winn's Dick, See?
Booty Shop
Dan, Ron: The Nakedest Guys in the Room
Diary of a Hot Black Woman
Fevered Bitch
Guess Ho
Harold in Maude
The Hitchhiker's Guide to My Girlfriend's Ass
Kingdom of Heavin'
Look at Me (I'm Taking My Shirt Off)
Major Undie
Monster-in-Bed
The NeverEnding Porn Loop
Nightshaving: Roots in Hardcore
Peeing on Julia
Penisable Kingdom
Scat Play Afternoon
This "Gun" for Hire
Twenty Dollar Baby
Underpants, U.S.A.
The Upside of Unger
A Very Long Engorgement
Vice Princess

MOVIES NOW PLAYING IN THE CHICAGO AREA THAT PRETTY MUCH READ LIKE PORN TITLES WITHOUT CHANGING THEM AT ALL:

The Audition
Born into Brothels
Box of Treasures
Delivery
The Doll Squad
Double Dare
The Human Body
Melinda and Melinda
Sin City
Turbonegro: The ResErection
Two Women
xXx: State of the Union

1. Want to strike out a toddler? Throw a change.

2. If your name was mckennl, I might have finished making you a couple of CDs last night for use in your fancy new short.

3. ( Legionnaires That Failed: )

...and seeing as I have a couple of lists up at Cap'n Wacky, here are some more:

HIGHLIGHTS OF OUR TRIP TO SAN FRANCISCO
1. My friend Jane having Loretta Lynn hair at her wedding
2. Annie saying "bye-bye, water" to the swimming pool when we'd get out of the elevator at our hotel
3. Me spending about $300 at the Quickly store on bubble tea
4. My girl rocking a deeply sexy "I HEART MPLS" t-shirt at the Pindeldyboz reading on Wednesday night
5. Two homeless guys getting into a "motherfucker!"-heavy near-fistfight in beautiful Golden Gate Park during what I have termed l'Affaire du Shopping Cart

GOOD RESULTS OF WWII
1. Hula hoops
2. Finally determined once and for all what generation was the greatest
3. Less Jews, if you're a German
4. Less Germans, if you're a Jew
5. Got to name a bunch of consumer products "Atomic"

IF PROFESSIONAL BASEBALL TEAMS WERE NAMED AFTER LANTHANOIDS AND ACTINOIDS
1. the New York Samariums
2. the Chicago Thoriums
3. the Detroit Dysprosiums
4. the Cincinnati Mendeleviums
5. the Tampa Bay Ytterbiums

IF STEVEN SEAGAL HAD THE WORD "JUMBO" IN ALL HIS MOVIE TITLES
Hard to Kill Jumbo
Marked for Jumbo
Out for Jumbo
Jumbo Seige
On Jumbo's Ground
Executive Jumbo
The Jumbo Man
The Fire Down Below Jumbo
Belly of the Jumbo
Half Past Jumbo

IF PAULY SHORE HAD BEEN A SOVIET SOCIALIST-REALIST

18-Year Plan Again
Resolutely Pauly
Decadent Bourgeoisie Encino Man
A Day in the Life of Ivan Weaselovitch
In the Invincible Soviet Red Army Now
Jury Duty to the Glorious Motherland
People's Revolutionary Bio-Dome
Curse of the Wretched Running Dog Capitalist Inferno
The Bogus Witch, Planted Here by Backsliding Counterrevolutionary Elements to Trick Us, Project
Pauly Shore is Dead, Having Sacrificed His Life in Order to Protect His Comrades

NOTE: Did you know that Pauly Shore once played Lenny Bruce in a film? If that's not the very definition of sacrelige, I don't know what is. Also, Steven Seagal is in the upcoming Onion movie as a character called "Cock Puncher".

IF FRANK CAPRA HAD BEEN DIAGNOSED AS SEVERELY DEPRESSED

The Bitter Tears of General Yen
It Happened One Night, But It Traumatized Me for Life
Mr. Deeds Goes to Seed
Lost, Sad and Broken Horizon
You Can't Take It with You, So Why Bother?
Mr. Smith Goes to the Oven
Why Do We Fight?
Arsenic and Old Reviews
It's a Miserable Life
Pocketful of Quaaludes

IF NEIL SIMON HAD BEEN A SERIAL KILLER

Come Blow Your Head Off
Buried in the Park
The Dead Couple
The Out-of-Timers
Last of the Red Hot Pokers
The Neckbreak Kid
Goodbye, Girl
Broadway Bound and Gagged
Bright and Bleached Membranes
The Slugged Wife

IF NORMAN LEAR HAD BEEN A RIGHT-WING CONSERVATIUVE
Please Do Not Start Any Revolutions, With or Without Me
Sanctity of Marriage, American Style
All in the Traditional Two-Parent Family
Sanford and Illegitimate Son
Shut Up, Maude
Good Times (If You're Rich and White)
Mary Heartless, Mary Heartless
No Gays at a Time
f.i.r.e. Pablo
Hanging Blacks

In other news, go snipers!

The Mercurial Mercenary of the Equity Squad of Armenia
The Venusian Vigilante of the Fairness Battalion of Vanuatu
The Terran Tracker of the Even-Handedness Bridade of Slovenia
The Jovial Jump-Bailer of the Impartiality Congregation of Canada
The Saturnine Sentinel of the Recompense Society of Mongolia
The Uranian Usurer of the Fair Play Association of Saudi Arabia
The Neptunian Nursemaid of the Due Process Fraternity of Myanmar
The Plutonian Paladin of the Rectitude Partnership of Lichtenstein
The Gaynmedean Guardsman of the Judicature Bunch of Lesotho
The Titanic Trusty of the Legitimacy Sodality of Western Samoa

from Upsizing Shakespeare: Reshaping the Bard for a New Generation by Hairston Miller-Keyes (Dutton, 2004)

As You Love It
BacMeth
The Comedy of Arrows
Cooliolanus
Cowbelline
Hesher for Hesher
Henry the IV, V, VI & VIII Parts 1, 2 & 3 vs. King John-Richard II & III: History Smackdown!
Julius Caesar Cut
Love’s Management Lost
Marc Antony and Cleopatra
The Merchant of Venice Beach
The Merry Wives Who Windsurf
Mickey’s Little King Lear
A Midsummer Night’s Dreamweaver
Moons Over My Hamlet
Oil Well That Ends Well
Othella
Pericles, Prince of Yokohama Tyres
(George) Romero and Juliette (Lewis)
Taming of the ‘Shrooms
The Tempest Emulator
Timon and Pumbaa of Athens
Titties Androgynous
Toyota Cressida
Twelfth Episode of Knight Rider
Two Gentleman with Big Gonads
A Winter’s Tail

Yes, today is Feb. 16th. And of course, you all know what day that is. Yes, it's the day before you can get bomb-diggy free chicken at McDonald's, but it's also GODWIN'S LAW DAY!

Godwin's Law is the famous internet maxim that states that once the first Hitler/Nazi comparison is made, the argument, whatever it's about, is effectively over. But once a year, on February 16th, all the little boys and girls are allowed to violate Godwin's Law as often as they like, and get free ribbon candy!

For those recent immigrants celebrating this sacred holiday for the first time, here are some examples of how you might violate Godwin's Law throughout the course of the day.

1. "Time to go to work already? This is worse than being sent to the gas chambers at Sobibor!"

2. "This overpriced, watery coffee I got at White Hen is like Hitler!"

3. "If Bill makes me put together another one of those sales presentations, it'll be Krystallnacht all over again."

4. "Of course you want those blueprints by 11:00. So did Hitler!"

5. "Your plan to go to Subway for lunch instead of Wendy's is exactly now Nazi Germany got started."

6. "Sure, now you're just asking me to put in some overtime, but the next step? Death camps."

7. "Jenny, if you don't finish your homework by supper, you will be morally indistinguishable from Heinrich Himmler, and I will be forced to sentence you to death by hanging."

8. "Not since the horrors of the Eastern Front has there been pain, deprivation and suffering like I am experiencing at being told that there's not enough Chicken Marengo for me to have seconds."

9. "Did you see in the paper that the Knicks lost? Just like the German army lost when they decided to mount a winter offensive against Russia?"

10. "Well, you better GET in the mood, or you are ten billion times worse than Hitler, Stalin and Mussolini combined."

Happy Godwin's Law Day!

Years since I was able to stay up past midnight without suffering from at least five debilitating ailments the next day: 3

Estimated number of times I have stayed up past midnight since that time: 432

Number of days of leisure and sloth I hoped to have this week after having given up on updating my web site daily : 7

Number of days of leisure and sloth I have actually had in the last week: 0

Factor by which I am more likely to want to kick your ass if you behave abnormally in traffic while talking on a cell phone and piloting a sports utility vehicle: 3.7

Factor by which I am more likely to want to kick your ass if, in addition to the abovementioned factors, you have a vanity plate on your vehicle: 47.0

Average number of American citizens who evince any interest when I mention my passion for Filipino inkers of the 1970s: 132

Slogan of “Sport Clips”, a sports-themed hair salon featuring televised athletic events, buxom Hooters-style female stylists, and a men-only clubhouse atmosphere : “WHERE GUYS WIN”

Mission statement of “Sport Clips”, according to their website : “TO BE THE DOMINANT MALE HAIR-CARE CHAIN IN THE US”

Percentage of members of my household who would rather chew on chlorine-soaked steel wool than listen to the President speak: 50

Percentage of dissenters who are cats: 100

Rank of ‘Cherry Vanilla Diet Dr. Pepper’ in best new soda flavors according to an independent poll of my refrigerator: 1

Rank of ‘Sprite Zero Tropical Remix’: 1,983

Estimated value of my comic book collection if you include a handful of rare Blackhawks from the early 1950s: $2,400

Estimated value of my comic book collection if you don’t include the Blackhawks: $14

Amount I would have made writing this entry if I were a vice-president at Tyco: $1,700,000

Number of comments this entry would have to receive in order to be my most-commented-upon post ever: 96

Number of comments I predict it will generate: 2