Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator

Machine Men with Machine Minds

5 YEARS OF THE WORLD’S WORST TREATMENT and still this slave kept working!

From the rugged lands of the Pacific Northwest comes this remarkable story of a slave who never stopped slaving!

“It was in 2014,” writes Dr. Henry K. Pachinko, now of Cairo, IL, “that my wife purchased this slave from Reston Amalgamated Slavery.  I was stationed on the Vachon Island Nature Preserve in Washington State, in the Pacific Northwest.  My job was to take soil samples to determine alkali and acid levels after the frequent rains.  Naturally, the punishing terrain — marked by cold, wind, and near-constant precipitation — can take a toll on any slave, particularly if he is made to sleep outside as was this one.  His work was very difficult, as a combination of stubborness on my part, pride on my wife’s part, and the minimal personal hygeine on both our parts necessitated by our careers exempted us from doing even the most basic menial tasks necessary for our own survival.  The slave was charged with not only preparing our meals, tending to our laundry, cleaning our quarters, servicing us sexually and performing all our lifting and hauling, but also with such sundry duties as cleansing us after excretion and bringing in our 800-piece crystal gnome set during inclement weather.  In addition, I am a demanding master, and frequently made him to perform dangerous or foolhardy tasks for my amusement; also, he was only allowed to clean himself with large, rough pieces of petrified wood.

We returned to the midwest in 2019 — but it wasn’t until 2029 that my wife cut up the last of this fine Reston Amalgamated slave and fed him to our ponies, after nineteen years of the hardest kind of usage!”


The Pachinko family, of course, got extra-long service from their slave.  But anybody can get long wear from Reston Amalgamated slaves!  Thousands of housewives, factory owners, agricultural producers, and dominatrices have told us so.

Every man, woman or hermaphroditic prison camp commandant who wants his, her or its money’s worth from a slave will be pleased to discover that Reston Amalgamated’s extra durability have been independently confirmed by an impartial laboratory, and battle-tested by the Tanzanian Army of the Radiant Sun in over thirty years of using exclusively Reston Amalgamated slaves during their lengthy civil war (over 350,000 dead — almost all of them Reston!).  The North American Slave Improvement and Human-Wear Research Center of Chevy Chase, Maryland, recently tested a dozen leading brands of slave, and here are its findings:

- Reston is strongest, suffering no estimable loss of lift capacity even after 1,000 days of service with regular whipping.

- Reston is the most uniform in size, strength, color and weight, and only Reston promises that all its slaves breed true.

- Reston shrinks less from even the most humiliating, pointless and dangerous labor, and does not suffer from “sizing” as do most other brands, even after extensive intermarriage.

No wonder Reston Amalgamated Slavery enjoys a wonderful reputation for wear resistance!

Of course, you’ll discover and enjoy other properties of Reston Amalgamated slaves as well — properties no laboratory can quantify.  Properties like a total lack of whiteness, a straight posture with lots of cringe room, and a soft, yielding manner with no “attitude”.  You will appreciate the new Reston convenience:  the “Quick-Find” tracking chip.  Inserted free of charge beneath the eyelid or under the buttock at the point of purchase, this handy little feature lets you know where your favorite Reston slave is at all times, even when it is dark, foggy, or a federally mandated holiday.

The experience of a generation of slaveholders proves that Reston Amalgamated Slavery procures only the top-quality product; impartial laboratory tests prove Reston slaves are strong, uniform and with an industry-low occurrence of sass talk; Reston is the only top ten slaver which features the “Quick-Find” chip for easy retrieval of your investment; and Reston Amalgamated slaves are durable, versatile, well-made, and easy to dispose of when expended (and nine out of ten pets agree:  they’re delicious!).

Simply put, Reston Amalgamated are America’s most popular slaves…because they last longer!


Tags: features, humor, other, uncategorized

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