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From E.S.L. to A/S/L

ON THE INTERNET 

To Do and Say

  • TO THINK:  ”I have not been completely inundated with self-validation about _____.”
  • TO SAY:  ”Am I the only person in the world who thinks _____?”

 

  • TO THINK:  ”I am irrationally excited by the overly familiar.”
  • TO SAY:  ”Squeeee

 

  • TO THINK:  ”I do not know the facts.”
  • TO SAY:  ”I’m sorry, but those are just the facts.”

 

  • TO THINK:  ”I have insufficient information to have an informed opinion about _____.”
  • TO SAY:  ”The problem is that you’re focused on _____, when the real problem is _____”

 

  • TO THINK:  ”My job and/or home life is extremely unfulfilling.”
  • TO SAY:  ”This altered photograph of Gene Wilder as Willie Wonka should make my feelings on this matter clear.”

 

TO DO:  A woman has asked to be treated with a modicum of respect.  Explain why she is a dirty whore.

  • TO THINK:  ”It is really a matter of public health.”
  • TO SAY:  ”You are fat.”

 

  • TO THINK:  ”I cannot be bothered to articulate my thoughts on this issue, because I am playing Angry Birds.”
  • TO SAY:  ”Meh.”

 

  • TO THINK:  ”I am having an affair with your sister.”
  • TO SAY:  ”I think it’s sad that you can’t learn to trust other people.”

 

  • TO THINK:  ”I am desperately insecure.”
  • TO SAY:  ”I have just checked in as the new Mayor of _____.”

 

  • TO THINK:  ”Everyone is wrong but me.”
  • TO SAY:  ”There are extremists on both sides of this issue.”

 

TO DO:  Justify your own constant appropriation of other peoples’ work while scolding someone about creator’s rights.

  • TO THINK:  ”I cannot comfortably conceive of a person whose tastes are at variance with my own.”
  • TO SAY:  ”If you don’t like _____, I don’t think we can be friends.”

 

  • TO THINK:  ”I take offense at everything.”
  • TO SAY:  ”I take offense at that.”

 

  • TO THINK:  ”I am a dolt.”
  • TO SAY:  ”tl;dr”

 

  • TO THINK:  ”I find my own neuroses endlessly fascinating.”
  • TO SAY:  ”I guess I just don’t conform to your mainstream standards.”

 

  • TO THINK:  ”I am a huge asshole.”
  • TO SAY:  ”I am the moderator of a Men’s Rights forum.”

 

TO DO:  Oh, no, it’s raining!  Tell your friends in other parts of the country how they have no idea what bad weather is really like.

  • TO THINK:  ”I have no idea what is happening, what is happening, make things stop happening”
  • TO SAY:  ”Reply:  All”

 

  • TO THINK:  ”I think of other people primarily as marketing tools for my personal obsessions.”
  • TO SAY:  ”Please RT”

 

  • TO THINK:  ”I have just read the Wikipedia entry about _____.”
  • TO SAY:  ”Obviously, you don’t know anything about _____.”

 

  • TO THINK:  ”I did not write this.”
  • TO SAY:  ”This is problematic.”

 

  • TO THINK:  ”I am a hypocrite.”
  • TO SAY:  ”I am on the internet.”

 

TO DO:  Explain someone else’s joke to them.

Mirrored from LEONARD PIERCE DOT COM.

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ludickid
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
Ludic Log

PROPRIETOR

Leonard Pierce is a freelance writer wandering around Texas with no sleep or sense of direction. If you give him money he will write something for you. If you are nice to him he may come to your house and get drunk.

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