PRONG #1: THE INTERNET PRONG, OR "PRONGUS FLOPPICUS"
I will ask readers of my various websites to send me a reason why I am better than Jesus. The best of these reasons will all be posted on my site on the actual date of my birth, this week's anniversary of which will mark the point at which I will have outlived the Savior.
PRONG #2: THE PARTY PRONG, OR "PRONGUS SHOWUSYOURTITICUS"
I will ask friends who live in the Chicagoland area, or who happen to be passing through it at the time, to come to my apartment at some point during the second weekend in August. There will be drinking, drugs, food, conversation, and all the other things that make life worth hanging out on my back porch. Also, I will request that people write something and read it at the party, preferably after having become highly inebriated. The thing they read might make reference to me, or to Jesus, or perhaps neither.
Possible problems with these prongs: I am reliably informed that a number of my friends will be otherwise committed on that weekend, and thus unable to attend a party. Because they all hate me. If this turns out to be the case, I will respond with
PRONG #3: THE LOSER PRONG, OR "PRONGUS GEEXOR"
I will be forced to go to WizardWorld, and will punish all those who chose not to participate in the Internet and Party Prongs by making them look at pictures I will take there of morbidly obese 47-year-old men dressed as members of the second Star Trek series.
Y'all been warned.