January 17th, 2003

flavored with age

I am a bad ass

Went to the gym again last night, full of dread and fear: since all my muscles had exploded last time I went, what did I have left to go on? As it turned out, there was nothing to worry about: like most things, it gets easier with practice. Did my whole routine, plus a couple of shots at the heavy bag. I ain't one to tell stories out of school but fat or no I wouldn't want to be on the other end of my flying fists and feet. YOU HEAR THAT, IMAGINARY ZOMBIES WHO I ALWAYS GET INTO FIGHTS WITH?

There was this Brazilian guy there (how do I know he was Brazilian? You can smell it, or possibly there was a big Brazilian flag logo on his clipboard), and he did that thing where he'll do one heavy lift, and then sit there for ten minutes recovering before doing his next heavy lift, while meanwhile I stand there in the middle of my circuit like an idiot, waiting for him to finish. I try not to be a dick about this; I know some people do lots of reps, and some people go for weight, and that's fine. But LET'S MOVE ALONG, man. I could do all my reps in the time it takes you to recover, and there's really no reason you have to sit on the machine to do your theatrical heavy breathing and stretching; can't you do that pretty much anywhere?

Okay then.
flavored with age

Nothing's cool

So I watched "The Surreal Life" last night, despite my longstanding hatred of 'reality' TV, especially of this particularly contrived nature. But what can I tell you? There's something appealing about the high brought low, even if the gap between their highs and lows is not particularly vast. As is certainly the case with these clowns.

Corey Feldman is going to be the star of the show, at least in terms of being the guy that everybody hates. He's obviously got some 'issues', and I feel for him as much as I can for a self-centered, egomaniacal, chainsmoking former cokehead who was in "The Lost Boys". But what can I tell you? He plays his role to the hilt. He talks non-stop, about nothing but himself; he acts wounded when people don't pay attention to him; and he undercuts anything sensible he might be trying to say by being a jerk while saying it.

MC Hammer is a blowhard. He's also a Jesus freak. He also talks nonstop, forming a sort of gregarious counterpoint to Corey Feldman's whining. I keep hoping the two of them will get into a fistfight, but I don't think the producers will ever let the show get that interesting.

Vince Neil is the most likable, perhaps (because he's no doubt sitting on a giant pile of royalties) because he needs to be on the show less than anyone. As a result, he doesn't exude the stink of desperation quite as much as the rest of the cast and comes across as generally likable. He seems to just go along for the ride and laugh at everyone else, which is, of course, what the audience is doing. Also, he curses a lot, and we get to see entertaining 'bubble' headshots of his tarty plastic blond girlfriend when he talks to her on the phone.

Emmanuel Lewis is pretty boring -- quite shy and mildly love-starved, but inoffensive. He's gotten really fat, although I imagine at that size you can gain five pounds and look like Marlon Brando. Whenever he's on screen for an extended period of time, I entertain myself by contemplating the possibility that he may very well have been sexually interfered with by Michael Jackson.

Gabrielle Carteris plays a sort of den mother role. She's got her head on straight, it seems, other than being a bit too enamored of how funny she thinks she is. She's always up for wacky fun a la Andrea; indeed, she pretty much is Andrea, except not smart. She does try and keep everyone on an even keel, a thankless but necessary task. The 'must be on TV' vibe is strong within this one.

I don't know who Brande Roderick or Jerri Manthey are, and subsequently I have trouble distinguishing between them. They're both generically pretty, pointlessly flirty, and ridiculously giggly, and wouldn't have anything to say if you force-fed them every page in the dictionary.

As to the show itself, it was dull (a "contest" to see who got a luxury tent on a camping expedition), but provided a few entertainingly creepy moments: a campfire chat about fame and the future (dominated, naturally, by bloviating loudmouths Hammer and Feldman) in which you found yourself vaguely sympathetic with the latter's claims that his career wasn't as rewarding as everyone seemed to think (it actually set off an interesting conversation between me and the Roommate), which was immediately sunk by Hammer's accurate, if windy, claim that everyone there had been remarkably lucky and had little cause for complaint.

The most disturbing moment was when the gang stopped at a truck stop for breakfast; Vince Neil and Gabrielle Carteris came off as rather good-old-laddish about it, but there was a bit of a skin-crawl when, afterwards, several of the cast (dominated, again, by MC Hammer) started vaporing about keeping in touch with "the common people" (none of them actually said "the rabble", but that's a failure of their vocabulary rather than their intentions) and how they had "made everyone's day" by gracing the poor, hapless common man with their presence.

I'll watch it again. I'm hooked. I only wish that the producers didn't use such a heavy hand; it could be absolutely riveting if they dumped the contrived nonsense, gave the cast free reign, and let the cameras roll.
flavored with age

Happy fat guy

I got "O.S.T." by People Under the Stairs recently, and it's pretty goddamn dope. I have an inherent distrust of the tendency towards rampant oldschoolism/"true school", as evidenced by the fact that the new J5 record is a disappointment, but this one pays off big time. Go get it.

Anyway, the best thing about PUTS is that there's a fat guy. I love fat guys. I especially love fat guy baseball players, but fat guy rappers are a close second. Double K may be the best in the game right now, but there's a lot of good tonnage out there. Beat Box Buff, we hardly knew ye.
flavored with age

Eternal mysteries

I do not think Liv Tyler is hot. This has a lot to do with the fact that she has a giant forehead and a mouth wide enough to fit a nuclear submarine through sideways and generally looks like a centerfold from Penthouse (Down's Syndrome Edition).

And yet, I think Julia Stiles is hot, and she also has a gigantic head.

I'm a complicated man, and no one understands me but my puppet.