Today...is going to be all about LOVE. Love in all its forms. Love past, present, and future. Love of art; love of nature; love of pretty girls. Love that takes the form of spellbinding words. Love that takes the form of sweaty shufflings across the living room floor.
Celebrate love with me, won't you please? Because I love you all.
As on most Valentine's Days since the late 1960s, I find myself without female companionship on this, the holiday that commemorates the glories of love. At times I have seemed cynical: scoffing at the cutesy-poo antics of "couples"; deriding the bogus Hallmarkization of the holiday; boldly asserting that I am happy alone; doing sophisticated Pareto-optimizational cost/value analyses of the benefits of getting a date; stating that there's nothing I can do with a woman that I can't do with my right hand and a copy of "Shaved Schnizz".
But the truth is, it's all bluster. Bluster to hide my shame, my fear, my longing. For I, cynical and snide as I often pretend to be, just want love, like everyone else. I long for a lover's sweet embrace. I long for someone to miss me when I'm gone. I long for someone to keep awake with my god-awful snoring.
So, if you are a pretty lady, and are looking for a swell fella to be your big poppa lover man, and especially if you happen to work at a Chicago-based comic book and collectible ephemera emporium, please review the following information and make an important choice. You know how to reach me.
THE CASE FOR
1. I am a reasonably good writer and conversationalist.
2. I am fairly sociable, well-informed and witty.
3. My drinking and drug use are amusing rather than abusive.
4. I can beat people up or shoot them on your behalf.
5. I am a good lover, if your standards are not unreasonably high.
6. I have a car.
7. While gross, I am less gross than I could be. You've seen grosser, is my point here.
8. I tend to stay out of your way.
9. Your friends will be afraid of me, which can work to your advantage.
10. I do not actually have a 33-inch-long male organ, but I pretend that I do, which some people find amusing.
THE CASE AGAINST
1. I am both fatter and uglier than is absolutely necessary.
2. I hate pretty much everything.
3. The number of things I would rather do than sleep can be counted on one hand.
4. I don't have any money, and am likely to not have any money for the remainder of my life.
5. I am, generally speaking, a total geek.
6. I am a cranky, irritable half-breed.
7. Dating me will not facilitate your entrance into society in any way, though it may facilitate your withdrawal from it.
There you have it! The positives far outweigh the negatives. Send photos, c.v., and contact information immediately. Our glorious shared future lies ahead.
See? I don't hate. I love. Here's some things that I love:
I love the movie "The Ninth Configuration", directed by William Peter Blatty and starring Stacy Keach. I love the art of Steve "The Dude" Rude. I love the novels of Jim Thompson, Thomas Pynchon, and Kathy Acker. I love the music of Boredoms, Boogie Down Productions, and the Archers of Loaf. I love "Mr. Show with Bob and David". I love the writings of Hannah Arendt, Roland Barthes, Bob Black, H.L. Mencken and Gore Vidal. I love my brown-and-red parka jacket. I love my cats. I love my friends, especially the ones who are in the occassional habit of writing to me, or going out drinking with me. I love drinking. I love sleeping, reading, and eating good food. I love a number of Chicago restaurants, especially Mirabell, Lo's, and Shiroi Hana. I love Chicago, and in particular I love Chicago's architecture, character and history. I love writing. I love "Grand Theft Auto: Vice City". I love Alan Moore comics, Martin Scorsese movies and Chicago White Sox baseball.
But most of all, dear reader, I love the living hell out of you.
In which I compare ten women to ten songs.
#1: You were "Harden My Heart" by Quarterflash. You were by the first band I ever saw in concert of my own volition; and you were, all things considered, a tasty little pop confection. But in retrospect, it's probably a good thing I didn't really get into you that much.
#2: You were "#1 Chance Pirate TV" by Team Dresch. You shifted in tone a lot and came from an angry place, but you rocked my fucking socks off. In the end, though, you really weren't written for me.
#3: You were "Voices Carry" by 'til tuesday. You were a lot younger than I thought you were, but you were really good and very underrated. I often find myself wondering whatever happened to you. Also, inexplicably, you get played a lot at sci-fi and comic book conventions.
#4: You were "Without the Either" by the Years -- that is to say, the song I wrote about you and performed with my band. You were the only song I ever wrote about a girl. And it almost killed me every time I sang you.
#5: You were "Some Heads Are Gonna Roll" by Judas Priest. You were a real party-time number, and when you think about it, pretty fucking stupid, but I've always had an inexplicable fondness for you. You are inextricably linked in my mind with Jack Daniels and cheap cigarettes.
#6: You were "Theme 2" by the Flat Duo Jets. You had an undeniable appeal, and I liked you a lot more than I should have, but you were curiously unfinished and seemed to fuck up about halfway through, and I can't help but think that I made a major mistake in liking you as much as I did.
#7: You were "I Must Not Think Bad Thoughts" by X. One of the best songs I've ever heard, and no matter what happens, I keep coming back to you. You were sad and sort of poignant -- flawed, coming from a regretful but optimistic place -- and my only regret was that I could never write something so good.
#8: You were "Blitzkrieg Bop" by the Ramones. You've been one of my favorite songs ever since I can remember, and no matter how tough things get, you were always there for me. Our relationship changed a lot over the years, but you've always on the radio: three chords and a promise.
#9: You were "Mad Izms" by Channel Live feat. KRS-One. You came pretty much out of nowhere, dropped into my lap and blew me away, with some heavy beats, a killer hook, and an impeccable pedigree. For some reason, though, you didn't stick around for very long.
#10: You were "Tugboat" by Galaxie 500. You were incredibly delicate and beautiful, but also strong, determined, single-minded. You were a hell of a good song, and that's all I could ever ask for.
Note that the previous entry was a blatant rip-off of the novels of Nick Hornby, who I do not love. Therefore I shall not mention him again.
Come on, take a little walk with me, babies; and tell me: who do YOU love?