February 25th, 2003

flavored with age

If your mother only knew

If your mother is anything like mine, she enjoys being horribly tormented by the notion that you are going to Hell. So here's some ways you can increase her angst, fear and all-around dread:

1. Express an opinion about homosexuals other than that they are sinful. This will instantly cause her to ask if you are gay, because as we all know, the only reason you would think that homosexuals should not be persecuted is because you are yourself a homosexual.

2. Mention that you enjoy smoking not tobacco. This will provoke the comment that you will go to prison for the rest of your life, and possibly a mention of the terrible things that go on in prison.

3. Confess your lack of belief in the existence of Hell, and mention that your fear of going there is mitigated by the fact that you think it is as real a place as the merry old land of Oz. This will lead to her informing you that it's real whether you believe in it or not, and that it's a terrible place where people suffer horribly forever and ever. However, not to worry, because she will add that she is praying for you and fully expects that a conversion is imminent.

4. Admit to a romantic attraction to a female of the Negro or Latino race. You might think this would come as good news to your mother, because if nothing else it indicates that you are not a homosexual, but no.

5. Tell her that, while you will visit her occassionally on holidays, you have no intention of moving to the same city as her, no matter how much less cold it is, so long as she continues to reside in Texas. This may lead to her asking where she would have to live to get you to move nearby; be warned that the answers "Chicago, New York City or Paris" are not acceptable.
flavored with age

I eat your flesh, I drink your blood, I mock your beliefs

There was a rumor circulating around Chic hip-hop circles a few months back that Capital D of All Natural was going to retire from the life because he had come to the belief that his particular interpretation of Islam forbade the creation of music. I was pretty devastated by this; as an inveterate hip-hop head who has always lamented the bewildering lack of quality rap music in this city, I had already had my heart broken by Common's departure, and I couldn't bear to lose All Natural too.

However, it turns out not to be true. While he is a Muslim of some sort, he's not giving up music, and in fact has just released a solo album which sounds pretty good based on the one track I've heard.

Now, I'm not the sort to applaud someone for abandoning their faith just so they can continue to provide me with entertainment, but...oh, wait. I AM the sort to do that. IN YOUR FACE, ALLAH! B-SIDE WINS AGAIN!
flavored with age

Believe me, no one was more surprised and appalled than I was

CAP Alert Guy on my life:

Wanton Violence/Crime (W):

- gambling
- fighting
- firearms (repeatedly, some in the hands of children)
- threats
- stabbing in arm (no gore)
- illegal drugs (repeatedly)
- disrespect for police
- threats to kill, often, to television

Impudence/Hate (I):

- approximately 2,328,461 uses of the three/four-letter-word vocabulary
- lies, numbingly frequent
- encouraging others to lie, steal, cheat, and commit crimes
- defiance of legitimate authority
- stealing money from drunken father
- disrespect of clergy, police, government
- teenage drinking
- teenage drug use
- teenage pornography
- semi-massive tattoos
- hate, constant

Sex/Homosexuality (S):

- sexual innuendo, talk & comments
- adults & children in underwear
- crotch hits by dog, vacuum cleaner, bicycle rack
- cohabitation
- open-faced kissing, not nearly as frequently as one might like
- very infrequent sexual intercourse
- homosexual panic (90210)
- pornography
- masturbation (constant)

Drugs/Alcohol (D):

- booze, daily
- drinking, repeatedly to excess
- drugs, you bet
- bars, weekly
- "smoking"
- drug intoxication (drinking of entire bottle of Robitussin DM for non-medicinal purposes

Offense to God (O):

- several hundred thousand uses of God's name in vain, both with and without the four-letter expletive
- mockery of God (constant)
- offer to sell soul to the Devil in exchange for $50 and used Volkswagen
- belittling of beliefs of others
- writing of novel in which God is beaten up by Superman
- enjoyment of Satanic black metal music
- comparison of belief in God by adults to belief in ghosts, leprechauns, Spider-man
- flagrant atheism
- use of Bible to mock God
- constant display of Godlessness to such a degree that you wonder why main character does not simply burst into flames

Murder/Suicide (M):

- none noted...yet