March 11th, 2003

flavored with age

Contains a sample of "Main Theme from 'Escape from Precinct 13'", John Carpenter

He’s deep inside your basement
He’s underneath the stair
He’s in a glass encasement that you keep inside your lair
He’s busting out like June is
Got five on it like Luniz
While you’re stuck there in the middle like that shorty Frankie Muniz
He’ll execute like Texas
He’ll punish you like Nexus
His beats hit like a Lexus driving through your solar plexus
He’s cursing you with hexes
He’s silencing the sexist
His moves are barely legal like Sudetenland annexes
His mic command directs us
The beat he drops affects us
His rhymes and style get inside like the anthrax that infects us
He’s hotter than your exes
He’s vanquishing your vexes
He’s surfing like Submariner with “Imperius Rex!”es
The photogenic phraser
Throat cutting like a razor
Your man is ego-trippin’ like his name’s Paul Michael Glaser
Decliner and appraiser
He’s finer than a laser
You better drink the coffee if you want the closer’s blazer
The DJ’s the selecter
Who slides into your sector
Delivering the virus via airborne earborne vector
He schools you like a rector
And eats you up like Lector
If you want to start to hector then you better come correcter
Now you got an angry rap
Yeah, you throw a beef fajita
You’re busting on the faggots like you’re Orange Juice Anita
Mauling bitches like a cheetah
Thinking that it makes you sweeta
But you’re just a fuckin’ animal needs rescuin’ by PETA
‘Cause you’ve come into the teepee
Of the Commandant of Creepy
And he doesn’t need a Valium, your rhymes have made him sleepy
And it’s easy now to see, G
Your CD is a cheapie
And Spin-L.P. will bust you down like one…two…three!
flavored with age

This nation's saving grace

So, reading Calamity Jon's latest installment of Gone and Forgotten -- which dealt with the Marvel Contest of Champions and its accompanying lame international superheroes (like The Collective Man, Arabian Knight, Shamrock, etc.) who were little more than cartoon embodiments of the generic American ethnic stereotypes about the countries they came from -- got me to thinking: there's a lot of work Marvel has left undone. And as you know, there's no two things I like more than comic books and ethnic stereotyping. So let's consider the world's forgotten superheroes who got left out of COC. Since they utterly offended both of my ethnic halves with the wack Shamrock and the downright loathesome Arabian Knight, I feel they owe me. I'll drop a trey of examples:

LA MANO NERA. Italy's #1 superhero, 'The Black Hand' fights evil with his daring combination of natty, well-tailored suits and brutal gangland violence. Civilian identity: spokesman for Barilla pasta. Cannot seem to get the better of his old foe, Ethiop. Forms a superhero team every few years, but it tends to collapse into squabbling withing weeks. Constantly feuding with El Dominicano over who gets to wear the sleeveless t-shirt.

MADEMOISELLE SUISSE. Tends not to get involved in crimefighting too heavily, but is well-liked by heroes and villains alike for her financial acumen. Has amazing power to survive huge battles despite never taking sides. Trilingual. Vulnerable to Kryptonite, vehicle emissions, gold bullion. Denies having torrid affair with Captain Nazi in the 1940s.

KIM CHEE. Official protector of the Korea peninsula is a brilliant student with the power to split into two halves which then bicker and fight with each other for years on end. May have power to launch nuclear dealth-blasts, and then again, may not. Constant distraction to Captain America. Holds grudges against all other regional superheroes. Arch-foe, Devil Dog, has not been seen in several years.

Now you try! It's free! It's fun! It's horribly offensive!