May 23rd, 2003

flavored with age

Screw you, I like these games

Say, isn't that...

It’s pronounced ‘burly’, you idiots

MARK BUEHRLE?

Actually, I think it's...

Nyuck nyuck nyuck

THE THREE STOOGES' CURLY.

I'm pretty sure it's not...

Headin’ down to the Regal Beagle

MR. FURLEY.

But it just might be...

Get an eyeful, boys

LIZ HURLEY.

Or possibly I'm mistaking her for...

What’s happening is I’m dead

WHAT'S HAPPENING!!'S SHIRLEY?

It might even be...

Have you forgotten…how much I suck?

DARRYL WORLEY.

I just hope to God it's not...

Unsound mound of Brown

HELEN GURLEY.

Now you try.
flavored with age

The critics are raving!

Longtime fans of my cranky opinionating know that I have a special place in my universe of hate for egomaniacal, overrated asshole film director Vincent Gallo. Gallo, whose monstrously high self-opinion is scarcely justified by the modest success of Buffalo 66, has spent the last 10 years decimating any good will he managed to build up from that film by alienating his stars (he described Christina Ricci, at the premiere of the movie, as a "fat cunt"), slandering his critics (he notoriously describes anyone who criticizes his work as a "faggot" or a "dyke"), and generally behaving like the kind of Hollywood prick who has actually accomplished something.

That's why I'm so happy that his new film, The Brown Bunny, is causing such a stir at Cannes. I haven't seen it, of course, so I have no idea if it's really as putrid and awful as everyone says, but let's look at what the critics have to say:

"Seldom has any competition film at Cannes been treated to such a hostile reception as The Brown Bunny...a film of crude technique and thundering banality." (The Hollywood Reporter)

"Critical reaction has been derisive and dismissive...its presence in the prestigious competition prompted major questioning." (Variety)

"The worst-rated competition film ever to be judged by (our) critics' jury." (Screen International)

"Staggeringly self-indulgent." (The London Daily Telegraph)

"A film so shockingly bad that it created a scandal here on the Riviera not because of sex, violence or politics, but simply because of its awfulness...those who saw (it) have been gathering ever since, with hushed voices and sad smiles, to discuss how wretched it was....the worst film in the history of the festival...that this film was admitted into Cannes as an Official Selection is inexplicable. By no standard, through no lens, in any interpretation, does it qualify for Cannes." (Roger Ebert)

And what is Mr. Gallo's reaction to the uniform detestation with which his film is being met? At the press conference after its official screening, he gleefully recounted how he fired both Kirsten Dunst and Winona Ryder (who he called a ball-busting bitch) from the movie, giggling as he told blank-faced reporters how he replaced Ms. Dunst with a passerby from the street. His co-star, Chloe Sevigny, sat there looking mortified throughout the press conference.

Way to go, Vince!

(On edit: here's how Prince Vince responded to posts in his website's message board critical of The Brown Bunny:

"if I notice any polluted messages, which usually come from bitter, jealous, ugly, poorly-hung men, who are unhappy at work and wished their whole life to be like me, I will remove these unproductive nasty little posts and I would like to say to these twisted queers and half-men, I feel sorry for you. All I ever wanted to do was be me. I hope one day you feel the same about yourself and release yourself from the petty, small-minded urges of polluting this message board and distracting its wonderful members. So go ahead and say whatever you want nasty about me, but know that we will all know by your insults just how small your pecker really is and how miserable your life has always been and how long it's been since any girl under 500 pounds responded to your cheap lines at the local pub."