July 9th, 2003

flavored with age

Fortune cookies for the youth of America

Hey, manningkrull, I got that same damn fortune cookie once! It's up on my fridge, held up by White Castle poetry magnets. I remember, when I got it, thinking, "Holy shit, the Chinese are on to our little game...they're making fortunes about crackin' off, for God's sake." Or something along those lines.

Anyway, today is the day for fortunes to become less poetic/sexy and more practical. Today's lo-mein-eatin' kids need good solid real world advice, not vague mystical flattery. They need fortunes like these:

The first answer you get when posing a technical question on an e-mail list will always be wrong.

Managing the Chicago Cubs will make you insane.

Avoid all business dealings with a man named Rob Liefeld.

Don't keep doing that, you'll flood the engine.

You know those little plastic things at the tips of your shoelaces that let you fit them through the eyelets of your shoes? If those things wear out and you need to re-lace your shoes, use a piece of Scotch tape.

When the ads for a movie contain footage of audience members talking about how great the movie was, the movie will probably stink.

It's okay to write stuff for people who can't pay you, but not to write stuff for people who make
you pay them.

You know how they say don't tip the soda machine? MAN THEY AIN'T KIDDIN'.

Avoid people who mouth the words 'call me' while making a telephone gesture with their thumb and pinkie.

In life, you will meet people who cannot say the words 'Jesus Christ' without adding the words 'our Lord and Savior'. Nothing these people have to say is worth hearing.

Now you try!