July 16th, 2003

flavored with age

All-Star Game Notes

- Man, there was a lot of people there.

- Hey, Joe Buck, you NL front-running prick: yeah, we don't like the Cubs. You have a problem with that? You can eat a dick.

- Hey, Chris Berman, same goes to you. Yeah, we booed the goddamn Cubs. You know why? Because we hate them. Because we don't think losing is cute and fun. We booed the fucking Cubs and we'll do it again, and you can also eat a dick. And for the love of Christ, get rid of that goddamn piece-of-shit combover.

- What crypt did they dig Amy Grant out of, anyway? Wasn't her last hit in, like, 1988?

- Speaking of which, I will be really fucking glad when they stop this "God Bless America" shit in the 7th-inning stretch. I mean, I'm willing to put up with singing the national anthem at the top of the game; it's America's game, it's tradition, fine. But you know what? Singing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" is tradition too, and it's not a tradition we should throw over lightly just because something bad happened to us once. I'm fine with ONE display of religious patriotism per game, but TWO is absolutely ludicrous. America is fucking addicted to these bogus displays of nationalistic piety. I guarantee you, when you go to a soccer game in other parts of the world, they don't make you sing two goddamn loyalty oaths.

- Man what up with Jason Schmidt beaning Edgar Martinez? Edgar should have rushed the mound and pounded the shit out of him, but I guess with his creaky knees Edgar ain't rushing anywhere anymore. Oh, the pain!

- At first, I questioned the wisdom of leaving my man Loaiza in for only two innings and Clemens in for only one, since both were on autopilot up there. Especially after Scioscia puts in Shigetoshi "Don't Call Me Shiggy" Hasegawa, who proceeds to cough up the lead. But later, I thought about it, and here's how I figured it: if the game goes to extra innings, Scioscia wanted a starter in reserve. Smart.

- On the same topic, a lot of people in the media commented that Scioscia was managing like a guy who wanted to win, while Dusty Baker was still in the "hey, let's go out and have fun with it" mode of All-Star games past. Aside from the obvious reasons for this (Scioscia is a winner, and Baker is a loser), there's one glaring factor that contibuted to these varying management styles that everyone was too deluded or polite to comment on. Scioscia was managing to win because winning would actually mean something to him; the Angels have at least a slight chance of going to the World Series this year, so home field advantage is actually something worth playing for, for him. Dusty, on the other hand, ain't going to no goddamn World Series, except as a spectator. Why? Because he manages the fucking Cubs. The Cubs suck. What does he care about home field advantage in the World Series? He's gonna be on vacation in October, just like the rest of the "lovable losers". Why should he bust his ass to secure home field advantage for the Cardinals or Braves or whoever?

- I'm a bit sorry I didn't get to see Dontrelle Willis pitch. That kid is somethin'.

- Finally, the right team won, and in a particularly dramatic fashion! Thanks, Hank Blalock, for securing the American League a well-deserved victory. As for the National League, guess what you guys can eat? That's right: a D-I-C-K.
flavored with age

Blaaaaaagh

Sorry for the assholish nature of that last post. Baseball brings out the aggressiveness in me.

To make it up to you, here is a poem I wrote, to tell you how much I love each and every one of you.

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I love you much
I love you lots
I love you more than Tater Tots!

I love your wang
I love your sack
I rarely flip you off behind your back.

You are so great
It makes me sick
Bud Selig can eat a dick.

I love your rack
I love your broom
I love the stuffed toys in your room

I love the way
You read my log
And don't mind that I'm a big fat hog.

I love you more
Than Jesus Christ
Jesus Christ Jesus Christ Jesus Christ Jesus Christ!

I love you so much
Please send me some money
I accept cash, money orders and PayPal.

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Pretty good, eh? All for you. Kisses!