July 17th, 2003

flavored with age

Random recap, or, the most boring post ever

- Strange event of the day: someone completely unknown to me wrote me an e-mail asking if I would make her a copy of a CD I happen to own that she read about on my online CD list. Possibly this is a sting operation set up by the RIAA. I could become a notorious super-criminal!

- My alarm clock has apparently stopped working, which means I'm going to have to buy a new one. This is the sort of purchase I hate to make, because there's no consumer frisson to it at all. How exciting is the purchase of a goddamn alarm clock? That's one of the things the government should just hand out for free, like toilet paper and light bulbs.

- Man, I smell good today. I smell SUPER HOTT AND SEXXXY! If you could smell me, you would instantly drag me back to your house, apartment, or refrigerator box for an afternoon of sweaty grunting sex-love, and you wouldn't even notice how fat and annoying I am, BECAUSE I SMELL SO GODDAMN GREAT.

- I think Jesus did not mean for me to collaborate on projects with people. The reason for this is so stupefying I dare not even mention it.

- Anyone expecting e-mail from me may be disappointed, because for the last week, my e-mail has been what we call here in Chicago "hinky". That is to say, it has been not delivering things for no reason I can fathom. So if you don't get an e-mail from me, let me know. HA HA! Oh, that's rich. Also, anyone sending an e-mail TO me might have similar problems. I intend to fix the problem, whatever it is, by baring my chest at the monitor and showing it my tattoos, and then swinging around a sawed-off pool cue. That'll larn 'er.
flavored with age

The back of the card

#67

LEONARD ALLEN PIERCE

Born: August 7, 1969
Home: Chicago, Ill.

Ht.: 6'3"
Wgt.: 643
Bats: Right
Throws: Left
Blows: Yes

CAREER HIGHLIGHTS

Signed multi-year contract for league minimum with the Ludic Syndicate prior to the 1995 season after playing out his options with the Higher Educationists ... was disappointed with his production last year, but led the team in stolen mp3s and supplied good defense of the indefensible ... rumored to be dating, or at least masturbating over, popular singer Christina Aguilera ... this year, became the first person in literary history to rewrite Dante's Inferno from David Mamet's perspective ... led the league in excuses in 1999 and also led the league in weight gain that year ... Leonard received a Master's Degree in Art History from a guy he beat up behind Martyr's on New Years' Eve 1998 ... the team's #1 left-handed pinch napper ... ranked 4th in the league among designated sleepers in 2000 when he snoozed through an entire Twilight Zone marathon ... was 2nd on the team in overall sucking in 2000, just behind Vincent Gallo ... labored 10 years in the minors and considered quitting literature in 1994 when he was working as a three-card-monte shill in Grant Park when the LS picked up his contract on a straight waiver sale ... rumors circulated last year that he would be traded to the Janitorial Staff for Larry Hama, a photostat of a hummmingbird, and cash, but nothing ever came of it.