January 2nd, 2004

flavored with age

Bzzzzzzaww

Okay, let me defuse any potential criticism from people who know me (and, more germanely, from the much smaller subset of people who have slept with me) by admitting: I snore. Loudly and continuously. As a fat guy with numerous health problems accustomed to sleeping alone, I realize that I make buzzsaw-level noises when I'm unconscious.

However.

Last night, while I was attempting to drift off to Dreamland (and thus fulfill a mini-resolution to sleep more), I couldn't help but notice the awful noises coming from upstairs. At first thinking that someone had tuned a stereo to loud static, cranked the volume up to 11, and placed the subwoofer face down on the floor, I was soon able to identify it as THE LOUDEST SNORING I HAVE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE. I mean, there is light gentle post-coital snoring, and there is full-blown honkin' R.E.M.-sleep snoring, and there is post-nuclear sleep apnea Leonard Pierce snoring, but this was the kind of sound that I normally associate with the detonation of planets by the Death Star.

Needless to say I couldn't sleep a wink. I even tried putting on a CD and turning it way, way up, and that didn't help, because it would be interrupted every few seconds by this explosive, plaster-shattering BZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAW. I swear to you I do not exaggerate when I tell you that this snoring literally shook my ceiling. And this is especially odd, because first of all, our current upstairs neighbor is not particularly loud; and second, I have never heard snoring from up there before. I'm not even sure anyone sleeps in the room directly above mine. But I hope with great sincerity that they don't, because this was absolutely fucking insane. It seemed to stop sometime around 1AM. Possibly this was because what had happened was someone passed out drunk on the floor, snored directly into the carpet, and then eventually woke up and went home; possibly it was because they died. Either way, I hope it doesn't repeat.

It was HARROWING, people! HARROWING!