January 6th, 2004

flavored with age

Polsky!

Since y'all didn't get to vote on my icon set this month, I offer the following poll to satisfy your lust for democracy. As you know, the presence of Nuclear-Strength Snoring Guy (UPDATE: no snoring last night! Maybe he died! Yaaaaay!) has inspired me to actually go to a doctor, so I can find out exactly which of the thousands of health problems I have will kill me first.

I ask you, then: what will the doctor find out? And what will I have to do about it?

Poll #229168 What killed Fatty?

What is the doctor most likely to tell me I have when I go to the doctor for a checkup this month?

Heart disease
0(0.0%)
Diabetes
0(0.0%)
Hypertension
1(5.9%)
Sleep apnea
3(17.6%)
AIDS
0(0.0%)
Ass cancer
0(0.0%)
Nut cancer
0(0.0%)
Taint cancer
1(5.9%)
Face cancer
0(0.0%)
An entirely new type of cancer found only in me
1(5.9%)
Coroner's knee
1(5.9%)
Mummy farts
5(29.4%)
The tickles
3(17.6%)
Phytogycenic wing-wang
2(11.8%)
Other (specify, with charts if possible)
0(0.0%)

What lifestyle changes should I make to improve my health?

Limit myself to less than eight sausages per day
1(5.9%)
Learn to say "no" after my fifth fifth
0(0.0%)
Stop shouting angrily at that snooty captain on "Animal Patrol"
0(0.0%)
Have fleshy body replaced by cold, efficient stainless steel
4(23.5%)
Ask donkey for health history before fucking it
0(0.0%)
Make sure objects inserted in rectum have been sterilized and measured
0(0.0%)
Stop injecting eyeballs with cancer cultures
1(5.9%)
Abandon "Live a Year Like Keith Richards" program
2(11.8%)
Find apartment farther away from the surface of the sun
0(0.0%)
Kill Flanders
2(11.8%)
Begin regimen of ear-hair care
3(17.6%)
Take two children's aspirin and three grams of cocaine a day
1(5.9%)
Take oily rags out of exhaust pipe before warming up car
0(0.0%)
Get cheap pharmaceutical connection in Mexico
3(17.6%)
Other (specify, with certified check if possible)
0(0.0%)