January 8th, 2004

flavored with age


My Magazine Would Be Called: The Journal of the American Milk Solids Council.

It Would Focus On: literary theory and criticism, short humor, serial fiction, novelty sodas.

Regular Features Would Be: Lengthy diatribes about how we would have made other peoples' work better had we written them, jokes that "The Simpsons" was too chickenshit to tell, Legion of Super-heroes slash, 'Ask a Giant Space Monster', and desperate pleas for sex.

Regular Contributors Would Include: George Meyer, Bob Black, the ghost of Roland Barthes, Richard Meltzer, Christian Claiborn, the guy who edits "Gone and Forgotten".

You Might See Occasional Articles About: Themes of Bourgeoise Cowardice in the Life of Stephen King, In What Order We Would Banish All Our Enemies Onto a Mining Asteroid, Joan Jett: Gay? Or What? (Part 1 of 600).

And Interviews With Such Luminaries As: Jacques Derrida's receptionist, that guy who walks up and down Michigan Avenue with a bullhorn and a sandwich board saying Al Gore is a Russian clone who can control the weather, Jerry "Scut" bin-Laden.

And There Would Be Sexy Black and White Photographs of Celebrities Such As: David Cross, Comic Book Shop Girl, the tiger who bit Roy's head open.

The amazing thing is that I was gonna do my own meme today! It was gonna be, which 1980s G.I. Joe are the fuck-knuckles on your Friends list? Only I got bored. So now you will never know which of you is Roadblock! HA HA SUCKERS!

Also see how I participate in y'all's memes even though you totally ignore my retarded rhyming picture game? THAT'S RIGHT! Screw you all right up the bucket.
flavored with age

Three haiku about tapeworms

Posted at the request of someone who knows who she is.


23-foot worm
Lives in my belly all year.
It likes the corn dogs.


Winter comes; it starves.
Shall I lure or burn it out?
Shouldn't have named it.


Meat on string descends;
Intestinal parasite --
You have no home here.