I would like, once again, to apologize to A. & K. for my extremely off-putting behavior on Friday night. I have no excuse to offer. To add to it all, it was K.'s birthday, and what girl doesn't want to celebrate her special day by having a fat loser vomit in her car? So, I'm very sorry.
Also, I would like to issue these additional apologies.
- to my green knit army hat with a bright orange skull logo on it: I realize you were just a retarded hat that I bought at a Missouri Wal-Mart to kill time while I was having my oil changed, but some people liked you, and you deserved a better fate than to be puked in. I'm sorry, hat.
- to my voice: although I think you did a pretty kick-ass job ripping through Motorhead's "Ace of Spades" at Live Band Karaoke on Friday, my simulation of Lemmy's strangulatory shriek-gargle was so precise that I seem to have permanently damaged you and have not been able to speak for the last three days. I'm sorry, voice.
- to Lara & Jeff: although I had a lovely time shopping, snacking, and watching cheesy old Driver's Ed movies with you, I'm sorry you had to put up with my raspy, crackly, painful-to-listen-to voice all day yesterday. It must have been unpleasant and no doubt left you wishing I had one of those talking robot sticks they give to people with throat cancer. I'm sorry, Lara & Jeff.
- to my cat Maybelle: I'm sorry to force these gross antibiotics down your gullet twice a day. It can't be any fun at all, and although I'm sure they will ultimately make you feel better, I don't imagine you'll be thanking me for it later. I'm sorry, Maybelle.
- to my crappy novel: I'm sorry I spent Saturday recovering from my Friday-night hangover, sleeping for 14 hours, and feeling sorry for myself because I spent Valentine's Day watching reruns of Futurama, instead of working on you like I was supposed to. I'm sorry, my crappy novel.
Now that that mushy crap is out of the way and all my various friends, pets and hats know how much I hate myself, let's get on to the crowd-pleasing stuff: I BOUGHT COMIC BOOKS!
Ho Che Anderson's King Part 2. Haven't read yet; I liked Part 1 a lot, so much so that I'm just now getting around to buying part 2, what, two years after it was published? Good for me.
Greg Rucka & Steve Rolston's Queen & Country 1: Operation Broken Ground. Haven't read yet; like Rucka's writing generally (he seems to be one of the few people who came to comics from another medium and managed to get it right), and I was really impressed by Whiteout, so I thought I'd give this a try.
Jim Mahfood's Stupid Comics issue #2. I want to like Mahfood so much more than I actually like him. I mean, take that comment for what it's worth (nothing), and how much I like him, at least on his part, is probably measured by the fact that I've bought everything he's ever done. And I like him okay, and I want to like him a whole lot. Boy, do I want to. But I don't. I wish I liked him more. It actually makes me sad to talk about it.
Garth Ennis & Steve Dillon's Preacher Book 9: Alamo. This is the last Preacher collection. Was it worth it? I guess so. This series pretty much defines the phrase "wildly inconsistent" -- compelling and fascinating when good, lazy and predictable when bad. Dillon's art really grew on me as the series went along, while Ennis' writing had the opposite effect -- it had greatly distanced me by the end. The actual climax to the series struck me as a perfect example of something that's very clever without being particularly interesting or satisfying. This whole review makes it sound like I hated it, I know, but I didn't. I liked it. It just had so many flaws, it held me at arm's length and kept me from liking it any more.
Neil Gaiman & Andy Kubert's 1602, issues #7 & 8. Of a series where I don't have 1-6; I read them at a friend's house (hi Hayden!). I expected to hate this one, and I don't. The Andy Kubert art pleases me, the story is fairly compelling, the tone skirts around cheesiness without ever plunging in, and while I'm sure there's some gimmick coming, I haven't sussed it enough yet and I'm still reading. Also, the covers are fantastic. I dunno...maybe this just shines by comparison, because the rest of what Marvel is putting out right now is such horseshit, but I like it so far.
Kyle Baker's Plastic Man, issues #3 & 4. This, on the other hand, I just love unreservedly. I love Kyle Baker under any circumstances, but his spazmo cartoony style I could just look at all day. With the awkwardness of issue #1 out of the way, he's really let himself go wild, throwing in every kind of gag and joke imaginable, lending this air where if you don't like one kind (say, the self-referential comic in-jokes), stick around one panel and you'll see something you love (say, the inventive Plas visual gags). The story is light and breezy and fun exactly the way it should be. Also, the Batman gag in issue #4 is priceless.
Another longbox. This is a nice long white box to keep my stupid comics in. It seems perfectly serviceable, if uninspiring. Keep up the good work, people at the carboard box factory!
I throw up in my hat, and all of the sudden nobody got nothin' to say? FINE.
So, to torture myself, I was skimming through the results you get if you do a Yahoo! search for "comic strips - titles". I would like to emphasize that I have never seen any of these comics, but I feel quite certain that they all suck. And these are just a few of the HUNDREDS of suck-ass results. SUCK SUCK SUCK. Stop doing creative work immediately, losers. Go work in a mine.
NOTE: If you, dear reader, are responsible for these strips, or if your loved ones are, or if you happen to know that these strips are awesome -- fine. I apologize. I stick by my characterization of these as ass, though. The descriptions are so bad that I can't imagine anyone wanting to read the actual strips.
Adventures of Scanner Dweeb - the comic adventures of a radio scanning hobbyist.
Betty - unapologetically ordinary, happy and female.
The Crater Kid - follow the space-age adventures of a six-shootin' 10-year-old and the positive effect he has on the people of planet Meta 4.
Dee Zaster - How many nuts does it take to make a fruitcake? When one of them's Dee Zaster, that's all you need.
Elftor - the adventures of an angry right-wing pixie who lives in a comic strip.
Fetus-X - featuring dark humor, experimental artwork, radical politics, and splashes of violent horror.
Goodness Bites - mix of visual arts and literature. Includes a cartoon that focuses on Catholic traditions and observances often ignored by Filipinos.
Heroes with Glasses - comic strip about wishful, geeky heroes and their wacky adventures.
Mark 700 - he's not a violent guy - he simply defends himself against unfair and cowardly attacks.
Nukees - by Darren Bleuel. Follows the overly average lives of typical nuclear physicists.
Purple Pussy - comic brought to you from a male, and putting it in a very true female perspective of the world.
Reverend Fun - daily, sometimes interactive Christian cartoon.
Schizophrenics - online comic about what happens if fan-created characters get out of hand. Featuring vampires, Saiyans, and Jedi.
Triangle Woman - she's a little weird, and sometimes doesn't make sense -- but she's finally free to speak her words of wisdom.
Unicorn Jelly - a manga styled metaphoric comic about the nature of ideals and beliefs, starring a little monster that strives to become a Unicorn. Features new strips daily.
Urban Dragons: The Comic Strip - by C.S. McDonald and Edwin Dean. Offers a dragon species list and information about dragons that live amongst people.
Violent Vegan Comics - vegan and health-related comic strips. Also includes a blog and a newsletter.
Wingin' It: An Angel's Story - involves an angel named Steve and his struggles with spirituality.