April 6th, 2004

flavored with age

It's the "in bed" of 'Men's Health'

So, I was checking my e-mail, and I accidentally clicked a Yahoo! banner ad instead of the 'delete' button, because my computer at work is old and slow and sucks in general. Anyway, it took me to an article on "AskMen.com", which is apparently one of those retarded 'men's magazines' that combines low-grade smut with consumerism. Anyway, the feature article was called, in the men's magazine tradition of predicating EVERYTHING on short numbered lists (because men are too busy, or stupid, or something to read non-numbered-list articles), "THE TOP FIVE SIGNS THAT A WOMAN IS INTERESTED".

After looking it over, I have decided that it reads much better if you substitute "your wang" for every occurence of "you". Observe:

#1- She touches you(r wang). This is one of the most telling signs. In many instances you will find that the woman you're out on a first date with will not touch you(r wang) at all. Why not? Because she's not attracted to you(r wang). But when you're out on a date with a woman who likes you(r wang), you will notice that, in most cases, she will find an excuse to physically touch you(r wang) in some way during the date.

If you end a first date with a woman, and she hasn't touched you(r wang) in any way whatsoever during your entire time together, then chances are you're dead in the water. The more she touches you(r wang) and the more often she touches you(r wang), the higher her Interest Level in you(r wang).

#2- She compliments you(r wang). A woman who has high interest in you(r wang), even after only knowing you for an hour or two, will often give you(r wang) one or more sincere compliments. And if there is a sparkle in her eye when she delivers the compliment, then you've got yourself a bona fide high Interest Level sign.

#3- She exhibits genuine curiosity about you(r wang). A woman who has no romantic interest in you(r wang) whatsoever will still ask you polite questions about yourself. "So where did you(r wang) grow up? Where do your (wang's) parents live? What kind of work do(es) you(r wang) do?"

But a woman who really likes you(r wang) will show a genuine, warm, curious interest in you(r wang). She'll want to know what makes you(r wang) tick. She'll want to know what's important and meaningful in your (wang's) life. As you look into her eyes, you'll be able to see the wheels turning as she's trying to figure you(r wang) out. That's high interest.

#4- She makes reference to future activities together. You tell her that you're an avid rollerblader and in response she says, "I love to rollerblade! Maybe we could go rollerblading together sometime. (Make sure to bring your wang.)"

5- She gives you(r wang) a nice kiss at the end of the date. At the end of your first date with a woman, you should always make a move for a lovely kiss. No big deal, just a kiss. The way that she responds to you(r wang) as your lips move toward hers will give you crucial feedback.

If she turns her head and gives you(r wang) 'The Cheek', then it's hasta la vista, baby. But if she responds warmly and enthusiastically kisses you(r wang), then, dude, you've got a live one.