April 23rd, 2004

flavored with age


Another year come and gone and I still haven't been nominated for a Webby. The balls of whom must I suck to get nominated for a fucking Webby, I ask you? And what's more, 2003-2004 has seen me fail to win, among other things:

- People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive
- the American League Cy Young Award
- a Golden Globe
- Forbes Magazine's 500 Richest People in the World
- a Darwin Award
- the Nobel Peace Prize
- Time Magazine's "Man of the Year"
- an Emmy for Outstanding Writing in a Comedy Series
- Heavyweight Champion of the World
- the Clanky, which is an award I just made up for excellence in the field of web-based short-form humor writing about robots

Where's my burrito, goddamn it? Where's my burrito?
flavored with age

I'm shaking the Parmesan!

Speaking of "Where's my burrito?", I've recently been developing a number of potential catchphrases. My hope is that one of them will catch on and become part of the everyday vernacular of early 21st-century America, thus ensuring that my reputation will outlast the death of my flabby body sometime in 2007 from arterial sclerosis.

Here are the five leading candidates.

'Crippling': New word denoting excellence and awesomeness. Usage: "Did you see Korn on Dick Clark’s New Year’s Angst-Rockin’ Eve last night? They were absolutely crippling!”

‘‘Felded’: Stupid, incompetent, or retarded in a particularly self-aggrandizing manner. Derived from beloved comic book creator Rob Liefeld. Usage: “Marty told me that he was an All-American in high school, even though now he weighs 425 pounds and can’t eat soup without poking himself in the ear with the spoon. That guy is totally ‘felded.”

‘Fuck you, schoolboy’: Generic insult used against anyone younger than you, even by only two hours. Especially useful against a younger person who has some authority over you. Usage: “Fuck you, schoolboy!”

‘I just sleep in the Dumpster’: Used when abdicating responsibility for something. Usage: “Hey, man, don’t blame me because my company gave all your children oversized tumors on their kidneys. I just sleep in the Dumpster.”

‘Crunley’: Refers to both a pop-cultural artifact which one genuinely enjoys, but in an ironic fashion, but not too ironic, but not too sincerely either, and to one’s feelings about the artifact in question. Usage: “Three’s Company…I dunno…it’s kinda crunley, you know what I’m saying?”

Poll #283389 Time to get harspy!

With which exciting new slang term should I attempt to take the world by storm?

Fuck you, schoolboy
I just sleep in the Dumpster
They're all so great, I can't decide
You've come up with some pretty dumb-ass poll questions in your time, Leonard, but this one is by far the most 'felded