May 20th, 2004

flavored with age

Another problem solved

It occured to me on the walk to work this morning that the problem with all the major religions is that they don't have their own theme songs. I have corrected this problem.

CATHOLICISM: "Catholic Boy" by the Jim Carroll Band.
Genre: moody alt-'70s gloom-rock.
Reason for selection: reflects the majestic yet depressing nature of the Catholic faith.
Sample lyric: "I make angels dance and drop to their knees/When I enter a church the feet of statues bleed/I understand the fate of all my enemies/Just like Christ in the Garden of Gethsemane".

PROTESTANTISM: "Jesus is Just Alright" by the Doobie Brothers.
Genre: blissed-out Jesus freak stoner-rock.
Reason for selection: reflects deep-seated Protestant belief that Jesus is awesome.
Sample lyric: "Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo/doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo".

JUDAISM: "Waves of Fear" by Lou Reed (nee Louis Firbank).
Genre: psychotic post-Velvets desperation music.
Reason for selection: reflects grand Jewish traditions of neurosis and fear of being murdered.
Sample lyric: "I cringe in my terror/I hate my own smell/I know where I must be/I must be in Hell".

ISLAM: "Paint It Black" by the Rolling Stones.
Genre: middle-eastern-influenced angry hippie folk.
Reason for selection: reflects importance to Muslim culture of black chadors and aversion of same to girls walking by dressed in their summer clothes.
Sample lyric: "Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm/hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm".

BUDDHISM: "Why Don't We Do It in the Road?" by the Beatles.
Genre: sexed-up '60s proto-blooz.
Reason for selection: reflects significance of moderation and the 'middle path', which includes doing it.
Sample lyric: "Why don't we do it in the road?/Why don't we do it in the road?/Why don't we do it in the road?/Why don't we do it in the road?".

HINDUISM: "Mundian to Bach Ke (The Knight Rider)" by the Punjabi MC.
Genre: funkified bhangra/hip-hop TV theme.
Reason for selection: reflects high value Hindu culture places on diversity, art, spirituality and talking robot cars.
Sample lyric: "Eraki kissuri gheme sili etha hokher-i/siki eth'adama sili millinetha hokher-i/tami ke rakimi itomi-mi putai/tami ke rakimi itomi-mi putai".

ATHEISM: "God Isn't Real" by Robbie Fulks.
Genre: embittered alt-country Americana.
Reason for selection: reflects commonly held atheistic belief that God isn't real.
Sample lyric: "Go tell the executioner of the power he can't defy/go tell his shackled victim of the mercy on high/then go to your churches, go beg and pray and kneel/but don't aske me to follow, for God isn't real".
flavored with age

God, I'm lonely

I just got a spam in my mailbox from "DOCTOR FREE DRUGS". Now, I know it's supposed to be "doctor-free drugs" (that is, it's an online pharmacy where you can get prescription drugs without a doctor's permission), but I immediately read it as "Dr. Freedrugs".

Dr. Freedrugs wears Nehru jackets, wellingtons, and Mardi Gras beads all year long. He drives an imported British sports car and has a home in southern California that's up on stilts. He vaguely resembles Hunter S. Thompson. He comes from a small town outside of Pittsburgh, and got his medical degree in 1963. He's all-American, but his first name is "Anton". His really good friends call him "Tony", and several of them are into amateur porn. He prefers his special ladies not to shave their pussies, but he does enjoy a bleached anus. Despite his habit of dispensing free drugs, he is very wealthy, his only major expenses being alimony payments to his ex-wife (an aging soap opera star) and taking care of his elderly mother. When he meets you, he doesn't say hello, he just smiles (his mouth slightly open) and waggles his eyebrows. He has never been arrested but has tons of speeding tickets. He owns a lot of LPs with "mellow" in the title. His hobbies are raquetball, painting, and golf, and when he was young, he was a promising tennis player before he blew his knee out. He never had children, but his sister's kid runs a side business selling fake IDs and Quaaludes and Dr. Freedrugs dotes on him. Dr. Freedrugs does not believe in any new age religions, but he nonetheless thinks they're "groovy". He likes women with orange tans, yellow teeth and mini-dress/sweater combos that display the wearer's astrological sign. He hopes that he will die fucking.