1. I hurt my knees this weekend. ("Then stop spending so much time on them!" HAW HAW oh the fag jokes how I never tire of them.) Could it be:
(a) I am an old man with rickety knees?
(b) I am too fat?
(d) Brother Voodoo?
(e) Brother Power the Geek?
2. Apparently there was an earthquake near Chicago yesterday. I didn't notice a thing. That could be one of our civic slogans: "CHICAGO! The city where you don't notice earthquakes." Take that, Bay Area! Other possible civil slogans:
(a) "CHICAGO! Slowly replacing urine with chocolate as the official municipal scent."
(b) "CHICAGO! No longer leading the nation in child murder."
(c) "CHICAGO! City of lots of brilliant artists who make it big and then leave."
(d) "CHICAGO! The city where you're pretty safe from terrorism because no one knows we're here."
(e) "CHICAGO! Home of Leonard Pierce's creaky knees."
3. HA HA CUBS, YOU CAN SUCK IT
Holy shit, I almost forgot the MONDAY SHITLIST, the weekly interactive thingoid where you, the devoted reader, list the worst of everything ever! Thanks to A. (one of the best people I know) for reminding me.
Since I'm fuck outta ideas, this one may be a bit lame, but judging from the weak response to "Worst Job" last week, y'all are getting sick of this anyway, you jaded bastards. So now it's time to put your asses on the line for real. This one should be so shocking, so scandalous, that you will be forced to use pseudonyms: Who are the worst people you have ever known?
Now, no cop-outs here. No "George W. Bush" or anything like that. This has to be someone you have actually met in your real life and had at least, say, more than an hour's worth of interaction with -- and, after having done so, judged them now and forever to be amongst the dregs of humanity, people you devoutly wish would be swallowed up by the earth and eaten by subterranean mole people.
GO! GO!! GOJIRA!!!
Special bonus points if one of them is me...