September 17th, 2004

flavored with age

Clean my mess hole

So there's a giant pothole in the alley behind our building. And, okay, it's pretty irritating, and I've called our alderman (the redoubtable Dick Mell) about it.

But in the meantime, someone in the neighborhood decided the best temporary solution would be to pack the giant pothole with crushed particleboard. Now, I know what you're thinkin':

1. How much use can crushed particleboard be in filling a pothole?

2. Wouldn't the cars just smash the particleboard down into the pothole, rendering it entirely pointless?

3. It also sounds like it would be really unappealing to look at, a pothole filled with dirty crushed particleboard.

4. Plus, it might rain, and then you'd have a bunch of wet, soggy particleboard everywhere, which would smell and look bad as well as doing absolutely nothing to alleviate the effects of the pothole.

5. And if there's a strong wind, as there often is in Chic, it would blow the pulverized, wet, stinky crushed particleboard all over the alleyway, making it look like a very tiny spinoff of Hurricane Ivan hit Albany Park.

6. Overall, you'd have to be a total fucking moron to fill a huge pothole with crushed particle board.

7. Especially if you could have just called the alderman's office, whose job it is to fix things like that.

And you know what? You're thinkin' right.
flavored with age

Today's time-wasting ridiculous Friday comics thing

Inspired by the genius of "Less Than Hero", the episode of Futurama where Fry, Leela and Bender become superheroes, I spent some time in a traffic jam (thanks, IDOT, for installing a pointless stop sign at a three-way intersection on California) writing retarded theme songs for superhero teams that don't have one. Collapse )

The idea is to write something that sounds kind of like that, and kind of like the old theme songs from the Captain America ("wields his mighty shield") and Hulk ("ain't he un-glamor-ays") cartoons. In other words, totally retarded.

Like this:

Hey hey hey Fantastic Four!
Go fight Dr. Doom some more!
There's no time to watch T.V.
Mole Man wants to murder me!

Stretch around some crimey guy
Burn him up and watch him die
Pound his ashes into dust
Turn invisible if you must

Finding action is their quest
At that thing they are the best
Pass the finding-action test
Action-finders like the rest!

They fight crooks with attitude
This song has four verses, dude
Four, like the Fantastic Four
There's four of them and ain't no more!

Or this:

Defenders!
Defenders!
Protecting the various ethnic groups of Los Angeles!
Defenders!
Defenders!
Defending, securing, preserving and safeguarding!

Dr. Strange, the mystic guy, his mustache
Silver Surfer, naked on a board
There's the Hulk, incredible and savage
Water is Sub-Mariner's reward
Valkyrie, she's big and blonde and bad-ass
Hellcat, fashion model turned cat broad
Son of Satan, he's the son of Satan
Moondragon, she's bald and very odd
Gargoyle was a crazy demon mayor
Beast, Iceman and Angel hung around
Also there was that guy Devil-Slayer
Second-string also-ran jerks abound!

Defenders!
Defenders!
Came together to fight the alien techno-wizard Yandroth!
Defenders!
Defenders!
That was pretty fun!

NOW YOU DO SOME. What, you're too good?