November 18th, 2004

flavored with age

Hack! Hack!

Well, our cable is out. Again. And while our voice mail has started working, our DSL has inexplicably begun cutting in and out. So, after having spent an average of an hour a day over the last two weeks (and probably around six months of the last ten years) on the phone yelling at our various utility companies, I have decided simply to go on a Hollywood-style killing rampage and shoot all of the employees dead while making witty quips, a la every action movie made since 1960. Here are some I just thought of while taking a crap.

1. "You've reached the end of your utility."
2. "Time for you to get...disconnected."
3. "This bill is overdue."
4. "Sorry, our offices are closed."
5. "You just wrote yourself a trouble ticket."
6. "I'm breaking up your monopoly, punk."
7. For the gas company: "Do you smell that?"
8. For the cable company: "Prepare to be upgraded to digital."
9. For the electric company: "The final blackout."
10. For the phone company: "Let me put you on hold...forever."

Ha ha, see how fun that is? And unfunny? And totally easy? And lame? It doesn't even have to make any sense! You do one! Winners will have their line recited while I put a draft in the dome of an SBC vice-president!