January 12th, 2005

flavored with age


Caught up on Ludic Log entries last night; here's a slew of 'em.

Friday: Rankin is another word for dissin'.
Saturday: the long-awaited return of lists and sausage.
Sunday: link to a good comics resource.
Monday: one man's torture squad is another man's pep squad.
Tuesday: enough already, with the dying!
flavored with age

Ratta-tat-tatta and all the reds scatter

Dear the Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas mission entitled "Just Business":

I hate you so, so much.

Many of the walkthroughs I have consulted call you the most fun mission of the game. I can only conclude that they are written by people whose idea of "fun" is failing time and time again (which would explain why they're writing video game walkthroughs instead of planning hostile corporate takeovers). The first part of the mission, where CJ gets to gun down bucketloads of Russians, is indeed lots of fun, and easy, too. But the second part, where a hundred bazillion cars and motorcycles chase you through the basins and you have to pick them off with the weakest weapon imaginable and no auto-aim, and simultaneously protect the tissue-weak bike you're on (which is being piloted by the incompetent Big Smoke)? That part sucks my dick a million per cent. I am really, really, really tired of exploding.

Maybe you will say that it's my fault. Maybe you realize that I hate rail-shooter games. Maybe you think I haven't gotten good enough with the crappy Mini, even though I maxed out my SMG skill and am now firing the Minis double-barrelled. Maybe you think I just haven't practiced enough, and that 3,649 times isn't enough practice runs. If that is the case, the Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas mission entitled "Just Business", then you can just fuck off and go to hell.

I'm just dicking around now, killing time spraying graffiti and taking over enemy gang territory, because you have completely stymied me, and I've finished every other mission in the game, so I can't go on to the next mission without beating you -- which I am totally incapable of doing. I am happy that later on, Big Smoke turns out to be a traitor and I get to kill him, because then he will die for making me do this mission over and over.

In conclusion, go impale yourself on a sharpened redwood tree.

Leonard "LP" Pierce