ADDICTION SOLITAIRE. Can you make all cards match in descending suits before the junk sickness weakens you? A delightful romp through the world of heroin abuse and online card games.
BLACKJACK. Play a game of "21" with a slick Las Vegas sharpster. Later, after you lose, sneak up behind him in the parking lot, cosh him with a spring-loaded lead weight, and get all your money back.
BRIDGE. In this fast-paced classic, you play a civil engineer who's struggling to complete a new commuter bridge after staying up all night playing cards with your bitch wife and her shithead friends.
CRIBBAGE. Combines all the thrills and chills of cards and dice with the spills of moving a golf tee around a wooden board. An ideal game for the elderly, the near-death, and small children too dumb to know better.
CANASTA. Not just a mysterious enigma sometimes invoked in 1950s Bugs Bunny cartoons, but an actual card game you can play! It's like Bezique, like you know what that is, loser.
EUCHRE. Another game popular with the senile and pointlessly retro. This one is available in a variety of flavors, including Euchre-Wrist (for the religious), Euchre Mage (for the geeky), and Euchre's Wild (for the 1970s game show enthusiast).
GIN RUMMY. If there's one thing alcholics love almost as much as booze, unemployment and annoying their friends, it's card games! Especially ones named for liquor. Try our hot new variant, Whisky Wino.
GO FISH. This is a great one, because it sounds like you're going to do an actual physical activity (albeit a pathetically low-energy one), but you're not. Perfect for people who have "graduated" from War.
HEARTS. There's only one suit that matters in this family favorite! Play to win, because just like the Aztecs of yore, you'll be playing for the still-beating hearts of your enemies.
HOLD 'EM POKER. The gang-rape game that's fun for one and all.
PINOCHLE. First developed in 342 A.D., this game has been played continuously for over 1500 years by people with nothing better to do. Involve your teenage children and watch them delight in calling it "pee-knuckle".
WHIST. One round, and you'll be "whist-ful" for more! No, seriously, we don't even know what the fuck this one is. It seems to attract white retirees, though, so look for lots of plug-in java ads for Liberty Mutual Life.
I need three more interests. Someone come up with them for me.
Protesters plan to turn their backs on Bush
Disaffected voters can protest President Bush's second inauguration Thursday from the comfort of their own homes. Anger at Bush has inspired national calls to fast, pray, skip work, buy nothing and wear black.
Thousands of unhappy Americans are also expected to converge here, braving unprecedented security to protest and party. There's a tactic for every taste, from traditional rallies and marches to quieter plans to "turn your back on Bush" along the Inaugural Parade route.
The Florida recount energized protesters at Bush's 2001 inauguration. The primary motivator this time is the war in Iraq. Sgt. Scott Fear of the U.S. Park Police said authorities expect an activity level "very similar to last time." He said two of six protest permits went to groups supportive of Bush, the rest to opponents.
SGT. SCOTT FEAR!!!
Leaders of TurnyourbackonBush.org are concerned about limited space for public viewing. National organizer Jet Heiko says the group expects thousands of people from 41 states to travel here for a silent protest along the parade route. They have been told to leave anti-Bush buttons, banners and signs at home. They will signal their opposition to Bush's policies by turning their backs as his motorcade passes.
Man, how great would it be if Jet Heiko & Sgt. Scott Fear got into a huge battle at the inauguration? WHEN FOES COLLIDE!!!