January 20th, 2005

flavored with age

Quandaries for today

1. Compile a list of nationalities for which there are no stereotypes in common currency (Belgians? Chileans? Thais?).

2. Decide whether or not to rent season 1 of Carnivale.

3. Decide whether or not to interview subject of upcoming freelance piece before or after he cuts my hair.

4. Figure out how to make weekend plans given that I have to (shudder) work on Saturday.

5. Speculate about reasons why every time I put a new band in my yearly top 10, they break up immediately afterwards (cf. McLusky).
flavored with age

Exhumed from the SpitGroove archives: reality shows I'd like to pitch

TENEMENT BINGO

A bunch of rich white Wall Street fucks are sent to the Robert Taylor Homes on the south side of Chicago to live. They are stripped of all their money and have to work at KFC. Each week, the audience votes on which one has displayed the most and least horrible behavior, and the person judged to be less awful than the others gets to go home. On the other hand, the guy who is the most insufferable prick has to stay there an extra week. If, by the end of the season, he is judged to still be a piece of shit, he is sentenced to another year on the show.

NOTHING'S COOL

Family and 'friends' of the hot celebrity of the moment are brought on a show to tell embarrassing, humiliating stories about them from before they were famous. Each segment is introduced by footage of the celebrity exuding Hollywood cool and is ended by footage of them being a complete loser.

FAN FEVER

Each week, the producers go to a sporting event and select 6 fat sacks of shit who yell "you suck" at professional athletes. They are then allowed to take that athlete's place in the next game. If they perform even half as well as the athlete's statistical norm, they are allowed to get his salary for a day. If they do not, the athlete gets to punch them in the face as hard as he can without repercussions. Fat sack-of-shit sports fans who die from the exertion have a corn dog dedicated to their memory.

SUCK A HORSE'S DICK

Ten women compete for the chance to suck a horse's dick. There's no prize, but they get to be on the teevee!

SNAPS!

Eight contestants and their mothers are flown into the studio from various parts of the country. They then go through several rounds of bustin' on each other's mamas; each round, the time limit gets shorter and shorter. You start out with 100 points, and you lose points for comin' weak or getting so upset you try to smack a fool. In between rounds, hidden cameras film the contestants in the dressing rooms, where they mamas yell "BOY, YOU GONNA LET HIM TALK ABOUT YO MAMA THAT WAY? YOU SHOULD BE 'SHAMED OF YOURSELF!"

SUMO INTELLECTUALS

A group of pretentious hipsters are escorted to a loft party in Williamsburg to do battle. All the other party guests are also pseudointellectual poseurs -- except one. One person has actually read all the books, seen all the movies, and heard all the albums that everyone else claims to have read, seen and heard. One by one, he chats up the other guests, trying to lure them into giving themselves away with a fatuous comment, an obvious slip or a claim that they have an import version of a nonexistent CD. The last hipster standing gets to be the Strokes' road manager for a week.

BIG OL' EATIN' CONTEST, WHOOO

A standard eating contest, but with an element of choice involved. Each contestant gets to pick which bulk food item he thinks he can consume at a single sitting. For example:

- a 10-lb. bag of flour or a 2-lb. can of lard
- a 3-lb. bag of sugar or a 1-lb. can of salt
- a 96-ounce steak or a 5-lb. wheel of cheddar
- 3 fifths of vodka or an entire bottle of ephedra
- one entire pig or eight whole chickens

The winner gets his medical bills paid.

THE BITTERSONS

A couple who have been married for 16 years and hate each other's guts are the contestants. Each one does everything humanly possibly to humilate, mock and infuriate the other, and each one ignores the efforts of the other to do the same. They win a dollar for each minute that passes without saying a word to each other. Whichever one lasts until their kid moves out of the house to go to college wins a quickie divorce and a much younger lover.

THE AMAZING RACIST

Three contestants -- a young black male, a young Hispanic male and a young Arab male -- have to hang out on a street corner for four hours, then drive a very expensive sports car across town, and ultimately arrive at the airport where they must purchase a one-way plane ticket for cash. Whichever one manages to make it the farthest without being profiled and arrested wins the grand prize.

MOE JILLIONAIRE

A dozen women compete for the love of a hateful, unattractive bartender who has just inherited a jillion dollars. But the viewer knows something they don't: there's no such thing as a jillion dollars!

HIGH AT THE AIRPORT

Four sets of two stoners each do bong hits and go hang out at the Indianapolis airport. Highly trained minimum-wage security guards have been alerted as to the possible infestation of the airport by gopped-up slackers. The stoners must attempt to kill three hours telling each other why various things are hilarious without attracting the attention of the rent-a-cops. Last duo to be told "okay, fellas, go have your little party somewhere else" wins $5000.

Bonus points if anyone can convince the audience why something is hilarious. Double bonus points for identifying a non-contestant who is "totally high". Triple kitty bonus points for each dollar spent on snacks at the airport gift shop that's justified by saying "no, dude, don't sweat it, we're totally going to win and get all the money back".

Thanks, elston, for reminding me that thread existed...
flavored with age

Gangsters

Betsy "The Twist" Podgorny
"King" Sidney Foont
"Stoop-Toe" Hufnagel
"Rocky" Drop McGoo
"Fast" Eddie Hotnuts
"Sour Mack" O'Gar
"Big Jock" Flip
Mendy "Connie the Hunch" Globniz
Fiorello "Dead-Birds" Fanucci
"Lanky" Hans Isenstahler
flavored with age

The annotated inaugural

AND A GREAT BEAST ROSE IN THE EAST, AND THE SEAS WERE OF BLOOD

After the shipwreck of communism came years of relative quiet, years of repose, years of sabbatical. And then there came a day of fire.

AND THAT IS THE FORCE OF DAISY-CUTTER BOMBS. NO, WAIT

There is only one force of history that can break the reign of hatred and resentment, and expose the pretensions of tyrants, and reward the hopes of the decent and tolerant, and that is the force of human freedom.

A FREEDOM REFLECTED IN THAT GLORIOUS DOCUMENT, THE USA-PATRIOT ACT

We are led by events and common sense to one conclusion: The survival of liberty in our land increasingly depends on the success of liberty in other lands. The best hope for peace in our world is the expansion of freedom in all the world.

CAPITALISM=FREEDOM

America's vital interests and our deepest beliefs are now one.

THAT IS TO SAY, GOD! THE CHRISTIAN ONE

From the day of our founding, we have proclaimed that every man and woman on this earth has rights and dignity and matchless value because they bear the image of the maker of heaven and earth.

OFFER NOT AVAILABLE IN ISRAEL, PAKISTAN, NORTH KOREA

So it is the policy of the United States to seek and support the growth of democratic movements and institutions in every nation and culture, with the ultimate goal of ending tyranny in our world.

EXCEPT THE GAY MINORITIES

Freedom by its nature must be chosen and defended by citizens and sustained by the rule of law and the protection of minorities.

UNLESS THEY DO SOMETHING CRAZY LIKE ELECT COMMIES OR ISLAMIC FUNDAMENTALISTS

America will not impose our own style of government on the unwilling.

NOTE: I AM NOT PREPARED TO DEFEND THIS STATEMENT

We will persistently clarify the choice before every ruler and every nation, the moral choice between oppression, which is always wrong, and freedom, which is eternally right.

OR THIS ONE, ESPECIALLY FOR HOMOS, POOR PEOPLE, AND DEMOCRATS

America's belief in human dignity will guide our policies. Yet rights must be more than the grudging concessions of dictators. They are secured by free dissent and the participation of the governed. In the long run, there is no justice without freedom and there can be no human rights without human liberty.

DISSENT ALWAYS WELCOME, SORT OF

Some I know have questioned the global appeal of liberty, though this time in history -- four decades defined by the swiftest advance of freedom ever seen -- is an odd time for doubt.

OFFER NOT AVAILABLE IN KURDISTAN, MYANMAR OR UZBEKISTAN

Today America speaks anew to the peoples of the world. All who live in tyranny and hopelessness can know the United States will not ignore your oppression or excuse your oppressors. When you stand for your liberty we will stand with you.

ALSO, YOU ARE EITHER WITH US OR WITH THE TERRORISTS

And all the allies of the United States can know we honor your friendship, we rely on your counsel, and we depend on your help. Division among free nations is a primary goal of freedom's enemies.

NOT THE DEAD ONES, OF COURSE

Yet, because we have acted in the great liberating tradition of this nation, tens of millions have achieved their freedom.

WHY, YES, I AM A REPUBLICAN, WHY DO YOU ASK?

In America's ideal of freedom, citizens find the dignity and security of economic independence instead of laboring on the edge of subsistence.

ALL OF WHICH I AM CURRENTLY IN THE PROCESS OF DISMANTLING

This is the broader definition of liberty that motivated the Homestead Act, the Social Security Act and the GI Bill of Rights.

BY "REFORMING", OF COURSE, I MEAN "ELIMINATING"

And now we will extend this vision by reforming great institutions to serve the needs of our time.

I SLEEP JUST FINE AT NIGHT, THANKS FOR ASKING

We will widen the ownership of homes and businesses, retirement savings and health insurance.

LIKE, SAY, SLAVERY

Americans move forward in every generation by reaffirming all that is good and true that came before, ideals of justice and conduct that are the same yesterday, today and forever.

LISTEN UP, ARABS AND QUEERS, THIS ONE'S FOR YOU

And our country must abandon all the habits of racism because we cannot carry the message of freedom and the baggage of bigotry at the same time.

I DON'T MEAN THE GUANTANAMO CAPTIVES

And we can feel that same unity and pride whenever America acts for good and the victims of disaster are given hope, and the unjust encounter justice, and the captives are set free.