from Upsizing Shakespeare: Reshaping the Bard for a New Generation by Hairston Miller-Keyes (Dutton, 2004)
As You Love It
The Comedy of Arrows
Hesher for Hesher
Henry the IV, V, VI & VIII Parts 1, 2 & 3 vs. King John-Richard II & III: History Smackdown!
Julius Caesar Cut
Love’s Management Lost
Marc Antony and Cleopatra
The Merchant of Venice Beach
The Merry Wives Who Windsurf
Mickey’s Little King Lear
A Midsummer Night’s Dreamweaver
Moons Over My Hamlet
Oil Well That Ends Well
Pericles, Prince of Yokohama Tyres
(George) Romero and Juliette (Lewis)
Taming of the ‘Shrooms
The Tempest Emulator
Timon and Pumbaa of Athens
Twelfth Episode of Knight Rider
Two Gentleman with Big Gonads
A Winter’s Tail
Man, I got nothin' today. NOTHIN'!
The floor is open, folks. Taking all requests. Because man, the tank is emp-tay.
NUMBER OF PEOPLE WHO PUT JOKE ANSWERS MOST OF THE TIME: 2
NUMBER OF PEOPLE WHO BECAME FRUSTRATED AT THE LENGTH OF THE QUIZ ABOUT HALFWAY THROUGH: 1
NUMBER OF PEOPLE WHO SEEMED TO MISUNDERSTAND THE WHOLE POINT OF THE QUIZ AND JUST PUT THE SAME DRINK AND SIDE FOR EVERY CATEGORY: 2
NUMBER OF PEOPLE WHO KINDLY FILLED OUT THE QUIZ EVEN THOUGH THEY FAMOUSLY HATE FAST FOOD AND NEVER EAT IT: 1
NUMBER OF PEOPLE WHO DIDN’T LIKE THE CATEGORIES AND INVENTED THEIR OWN: 2
NUMBER OF PEOPLE WHO POINTED OUT THAT I SCREWED UP THE POLL EVEN THOUGH I ADDED A DISCLAIMER AND INSTRUCTIONS AND COULDN’T EDIT THE POLL EVEN IF I’D WANTED TO: 5
NUMBER OF PEOPLE WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS THE DUMBEST POLL EVER: 6
TOP THREE DRINK CHOICES FOR CATEGORY “HAMBURGER”: Coke/Diet Coke/Cherry Coke (29%); beer (10%); milkshake (10%).
TOP THREE SIDE CHOICES FOR CATEGORY “HAMBURGER”: French fries (75%); onion rings (21%); joke answer (4%)
TOP THREE DRINK CHOICES FOR CATEGORY “HOT DOG”: Coke/Diet Coke/Pepsi (31%); beer/alcohol (31%); root beer (12%)
TOP THREE SIDE CHOICES FOR CATEGORY “HOT DOG”: none (32%); chips (26%); French fries/tater tots (21%)
TOP THREE DRINK CHOICES FOR CATEGORY “SEAFOOD”: beer/wine/alcohol (34%); Coke/Diet Coke (28%); tea (22%)
TOP THREE SIDE CHOICES FOR CATEGORY “SEAFOOD”: hush puppies (34%); fries/potato wedges/’crisps’ (28%); coleslaw (17%)
TOP THREE DRINK CHOICES FOR CATEGORY “MEXICAN”: beer (27%); Dr. Pepper/Mr. Pibb (27%); Coke/Diet Coke (25%)
TOP THREE SIDE CHOICES FOR CATEGORY “MEXICAN”: tortilla chips/corn chips/nachos (47%); rice (24%); five-way tie for third place
TOP THREE DRINK SELECTIONS FOR CATEGORY “CHICKEN”: Coke/Diet Coke/Pepsi (32%); beer (21%); tea (21%)
TOP THREE SIDE SELECTIONS FOR CATEGORY “CHICKEN”: biscuit (29%); mashed potatoes (25%); coleslaw (17%)
TOP THREE DRINK SELECTIONS FOR CATEGORY “CHINESE”: tea (39%); beer (22%); water (22%)
TOP THREE SIDE SELECTIONS FOR CATEGORY “CHINESE”: rice (50%); crab Rangoon (15%); egg roll (15%)
TOP THREE DRINK SELECTIONS FOR CATEGORY “COLD CUT SANDWICH”: Coke/Diet Coke (45%); tea (17%); beer (17%)
TOP THREE SIDE SELECTIONS FOR CATEGORY “COLD CUT SANDWICH”: chips (67%); none (17%); four-way tie for third place
Thank you. Your results will be sold at great cost to a marketing demographics company and you will receive no percentage of the profits.
TEN THINGS I HAVE DONE THAT (PROBABLY) NO ONE ELSE ON MY FRIENDS LIST HAS DONE:
1. Been stabbed in the arm by a Nazi skinhead.
2. Had an L.A. cop ram my face into an iron gate because he didn't like my haircut.
3. Given a bunch of Yaqui Indians living in the middle of nowhere in central Mexico a portable tape player and the first Ramones album.
4. Listened to David Carradine treat me to a deranged tirade about gun control, Prozac and how easy it is to kill someone with a plastic steak knife.
5. Seriously considered a speed-fueled plan to dress up like a ninja and rob a convenience store in order to get free donuts.
6. Struck out a future major-league MVP candidate on three straight pitches.
7. Been told by my Klansman cousin that my political opinion was not wanted at the family reunion because I am not truly white.
8. Been complimented on my writing by the governor of Arizona.
9. Received a horrible, nasty-tasting jar of homemade mustard from Ronald Reagan's mother-in-law.
10. Drunk an entire bottle of Robitussin DM and had only vague recollections of the next 48 hours.