March 3rd, 2005

flavored with age

What's new?, a registered trademark of someone or other

I woke up this morning with a severely insane case of dizzy. I had no alcohol, zoot, or any other kind of intoxicant last night, but when I got up, the room was spinning like Ari Fleischer*. It seems largely to have passed, but despite the fact that I was otherwise fine (no headache, no nausea, no aches, no nothing other than a severe dose of wooze), it put a bit of a spook into me. Insert racist joke here.

My copy of If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do? arrived yesterday, and much like its non-spiritual cousin The Star Wars Holiday Special, it's far worse than I remembered it being from my childhood viewing. Everything about it, from Rev. Estus Pirkle's demented, toneless narrative to the communist death squads who can't afford cars or matching uniforms to the Moscow-on-the-Mississippi accents of the commisars to the absurdly overdone (and underbudgeted) torture scenes to the grade-ZZZ production values, is delightfully crappy, and it's without question my "Watch It High" pick of the month. I intend to grow out my sideburns and tell my girlfriend "Count me out, baby, I'm a lover, not a Christian" at the soonest opportunity. (If, by the way, anyone has other suggestions for extremely inept, goofy Christian scare films, please sound off: I smell an article a-brewin'.)

Don't forget that tonight, I will be reppin' Pindeldyboz at Poetry Magazine's first annual Printer's Ball. If you're looking for some low-key, high-brow good times, stop by (free!), pick up some literary journals, and read what the writers of America are up to when you're not paying attention.


And now, I ask you to consider a supergroup made up of Robert Plant, Yngwie J. Malmsteen, Les Claypool, Rick Wakeman, and Ginger Baker. How long would one of their songs last, you may ask? The answer, arrived at by precise calculus, is one furdillion minutes. THE END.

*: Oh ho ho! The only thing more funnierer than topical humor is DATED topical humor! Coming up next, I take up the Pac-Man craze that's sweeping the nation, and note how in Russia, things do things to you instead of the other way around.
flavored with age

I'll always be daddy to me

A cursory reading of several websites, editorials, newspapers, opinion polls, journals of cultural criticism, and internet message boards this week has driven home an essential fact of our culture: things are going to shit, everything is lousy and will keep getting lousier, and all forms of art, culture, character and conduct reached their peak sometime before the day the person making the statement turned 30. That the kids today are a bunch of lazy no-goodniks who are destroying our great country cannot be disputed; but as a scientist, I need specific answers. Hence this poll.

Poll #447863 What's the shape of the world, Chico?

Are things worse now than they ever have been?

Yes, probably
0(0.0%)
Yes, definitely
2(6.9%)
Yes, but not as bad as they're going to get
9(31.0%)
Yes, but they might get a little better before ultimately getting worse
3(10.3%)
This is a complex question with no easy answer. But yes.
15(51.7%)

Is the generation immediately after yours worse than your generation?

Yes, in some ways
8(27.6%)
Yes, in most ways
6(20.7%)
Yes, in all ways
0(0.0%)
The generation after mine is so bad that I dare not even call it a generation
8(27.6%)
Yes, and I would also like to add that my generation is superior to the one that came before it
7(24.1%)

What was the greatest era in the history of humanity?

The years during which I was a child
11(39.3%)
The years during which my parents were teenagers
4(14.3%)
The years during which my parents were children
1(3.6%)
A time no less than 50 and no more than 100 years ago
7(25.0%)
A time more than 100 years ago
5(17.9%)

How would you describe the music of today?

Crap
5(17.2%)
Garbage
1(3.4%)
Noise
1(3.4%)
A bunch of noisy, crappy garbage
9(31.0%)
It's okay, but not as good as the music of my formative years
13(44.8%)

At what point did culture reach its zenith?

When I was in my mid-20s
3(11.1%)
When I was a teenager
6(22.2%)
When I was a child
3(11.1%)
When my grandparents were dating
6(22.2%)
Immediately before the birth of the current generation
9(33.3%)