March 9th, 2005

flavored with age

Coming this spring from Z3CBN, the Z-Brew Chicago Christian Children's Broadcasting Network

ADRIANA GONK, STUPID GIRL DETECTIVE. Sassy 'n' classy Adriana is the crime-attempting-to-solve daughter of Harry Gonk, a championship dynamite fisherman, and Coretta Butterscotch-Gonk, who writes angry letters to the local newspaper decrying the loss of the party lines which allowed one to eavesdrop on other peoples' private telephone conversations. Only 11 years old, Adriana has already made quite a name for herself on the crime-riddled South Side of Chicago by inserting herself into serious murder, kidnapping, sexual assault and robbery cases, trying to solve them the only way she knows how: using the exact same methods in her decades-old "Nancy Drew" books, whether or not they have any bearing on the specifics of whatever case she is preventing the police from handling. Will Adriana Gonk, Stupid Girl Detective, ever solve a case? Tune in and find out!

JINZOUNINGEN GANGU KANEKUI DOGITSUI!. Japan's smash-hit kid's TV show comes to America with big plans: selling just as much merchandise in the states as it has overseas! Follow the exciting adventures of the land of the rising sun's most shrill, overbearing cyborg as he fights crime, destroys monsters, goes to the indoor driving range, and delivers inexplicable sermons about Shintoist mythology in between lengthy exhortations to purchase more Jinzouningen Gangu Kanekui Dogitsui merchandise. JGKD is broadcast in the original Japanese language and translated by first-year community college students; subtitles are in flashing red digital letters half a foot high. A stock ticker displaying current share rates for the property's parent company scrolls throughout each episode, and if it drops below a certain level, the narrative is interrupted in favor of even more pleas to buy merchandise.

PHANTOM: THE MUSICAL: THE FILM: THE ANIMATED SERIES. An ongoing cartoon series based on the movie of the popular musical based on the play adapted from the novel, "Phantom" takes a few liberties with this classic tale of horror and bad synthesizer music in order to make it palatable for children. The Phantom is no longer a villain, but the protagonist of the series; and he is no longer a murderously psychopathic failed composer, but an irascible but well-meaning theatre critic. Also, instead of being hideously scarred, he just has a bad mustache. Each week, he sees a new production and initially wants to pan it, but by episode's end, his friends (including Candellaro, the comically clumsy Italian chandelier) convince him that saying you dislike a work of art might hurt someone's feelings, so it's better to just be nice and say you liked it. Original music by Andrew Lloyd Webber.
flavored with age

The Big Dance

Well, it's that time of year again, where the annual event that raises everyone's blood pressure and usually ends in heartbreak and disappointment comes around! No, not the college basketball tournament, for God's sake; why would grown people be interesting in watching 19-year-olds play sports? I'm talking about our landlady trying to sell the building to people who will turn it into a condo. Monday night, I stayed up until 11PM cleaning house, in order to impress the people who will eventually throw me out.

Given the fact that thaitea is moving out and ninafarina is moving in, it's probably just as well that it's happening now; as much as I love the place, it's becoming the very definition of "pain in the ass" to go through this every six months or so, and it might be time to move on.

So, Chicago...got a house for rent?
flavored with age

It's not even 9AM, and already there are all these assholes

Asshole #1 is the asshole driving through the alley when I was going to work, and who was in such a hurry to drive through the alley that he found it necessary to honk at me in order to speed my garage-door-closing procedure along. Now, I am of the strict belief that alleys are not for driving. They are not roads. They are not put there for you to drive through because you don't feel like going to all the trouble of turning right and driving 30 feet so you can get on to the actual street. They are for storing trash, providing footpaths, accessing your garage, and making a place for dogs to shit when they're sick of the front lawn. But to this guy, my having a garage was an affront, a honk-worthy offense, a crime against progress tantamount to building a bookstore in the middle of a six-lane freeway. HONK HONK! GET OUT OF MY WAY! SPEEDBUMP! SPEEDBUMP!

Asshole #2 didn't honk at me; he wasn't even there. But he's somewhere, and he's readying another bumper sticker for his car, which is always parked by the side of the road when I'm on my way to work. He already has one that says "Abolish Corporate Personhood", and one that says "Hate is Not a Family Value" (ha! it is in my family), and one that says something against the Iraq war that even annoys me and I'm as against the Iraq war as you can get. The best bumper sticker he has is the one that says "The Best Things in Life Aren't Things". This sticker, which, after all, is a thing, designed specifically to go on another thing, and which is the very definition of a frivolous consumer item, proves that it's not only the right which is immune to irony.

Asshole #3 is the person who put this "Smart Spot" sticker on my diet Wild Cherry Pepsi, informing me that I have made one of the 'smart choices made easy' that helps contribute to a 'healthy lifestyle' (IT'S HEALTHFUL, YOU ASSHOLES). According to smartspot.com, I can become a healthy person while also being a lazy fatass, by eating 'smart choices' like Fritos Extra Hot Bean Dip and Aunt Jemima Strawberry Pancake Mix. Being a responsible eater has never been so lazy! I am sure this asshole is a former tobacco company payroller, and liked to sit around being unaware that his or her product when used as directed gave people cancer. Don't get me wrong: I'm the one buying this shit, which makes me the biggest asshole in the world. But don't try and convince me I'm doing something noble.

Asshole #4 is everyone in the Republican party and everyone who voted for the Republican party in the last election, which includes several of you reading this and my parents. Sorry, assholes! The G.O.P. has really shone this week, scuttling a minimum wage hike, proposing changes to the minimum wage laws that would nearly triple the number of businesses that would be exempt from paying their employees minimum wage, and pushing through a bankruptcy reform bill that will ensure that the working classes, who they have just ensured will make as little money as possible, will also spend the rest of their lives in indentured servitude to the banks should they ever incur credit card debts or medical expenses they can't pay. But, hey! If they lose their minimum wage jobs, they can always get two more that legally pay less than that, which will almost make up for it! Yes, that's today's G.O.P.: helping the rich get richer, and helping the poor help the rich get richer.

Assholes. I'm telling you. Assholes.

Love and kisses,
King Asshole Dickface Knobfuck El Supremo #1