March 22nd, 2005

flavored with age

YOU FOOLS

Okay. Those who know me know all too well my love-hate relationship with Cheez-It Twisterz brand food snacks.

The love: Cheez-Its are good, and these are good Cheez-Its spinoffs. They're tasty, crunchy, relatively low in sodium and fat for a food snack, and their unusual shape and raw texture makes it hard to binge on them. The horrible weltering heartburn I get from the delicious Hot Wings & Cheesy Blue flavor is a small price to pay for the yum factor.

The hate: Okay, here's the 'concept' (like shitty Hollywood movies, food snacks have 'concepts'). Twisterz are, just like the copy says, "2 bold tastes" which have been "twisted together". Okay, fine. That's fine. But here's the thing: until very recently, there were two different varieties of Twisterz:

1. Hot Wings & Cheesy Blue. The two bold tastes: buffalo wing sauce and blue cheese. Delightful, toothsome, and very much in line with the concept.

2. Cheddar & More Cheddar.

AAAAARGH. Okay, look, you lazy motherfuckers at the Sunshine Biscuit company: cheddar and more cheddar is not two flavors. It's one flavor twice. It's not the same thing. It's just the same fucking flavor two times. You have an entire universe of flavors to choose from, and within the very simple premise of your new gimmick food snack, you only have to pick tow . AND YOU CAN'T EVEN DO THAT. You just pick one, and then duplicate it? That's beyond being a lazy sack of shit. That's not even trying anymore.

Anyway, the point is, they finally came up with a third variety. It's called Cheddar & Cool Ranch. And hey! That's actually two different flavors! So mission accomplished, right?

On the side of the box, it says "TRY OUR OTHER GREAT TWISTERZ BRAND: CHEDDAR AND MORE CHEDDAR!". So, faced with the possibility of finally getting rid of their flagrant error, they chose instead to discontinue the one that was not only better-tasting, but which actually conceptually fulfilled the requirement of the food snack. And they chose to keep the one that does not in fact have two flavors.

Sometimes I think there's nothing to believe in anymore.
flavored with age

The 2005 Crappys!

Speaking of disappointing food snacks, it's past time for the 2005 Crappys.

The Crappys (or, to call them by their proper name, the Ludic Syndicate Moronic Food Product of the Year Awards) , if you are a devoted Ludic Log reader, is the annual awards ceremony where I buy, eat, and write about the most disgusting, pointless, wasteful, harmful, or demented grocery items I have encountered over the course of a year. The winner recieves the coveted Golden Crap Shack Award and my eternal enmity.

Past Crappys, should you wish to familiarize yourself with this wonderful and heart-warming annual tradition, have been awarded to Ruffles 3-D potato chips, the food snack that with width, height and depth; Oscar Mayer Lunchables Brand Lunch Combinations: Soft Pizza Stix Mega Pack, with over a pound of indigestible food to give your kid a head start on diabetes and cancer; and Chersi Brand Bread Kvass Soda, which satisfies your craving for yeast-flavored cola.

The past couple of years, I've tried to follow a theme; 2003 featured a focus on food targeted at children, and last year was a triple bonus theme year, featuring foods of eastern Europe, a pair of guest tasters, and for the first time, photographs of the process. So, this year, another first: I'm opening up the Crappys to audience participation!

What would you like to see in the Crappys this year? Would you like to see guest tasters, perhaps my innocent girlfriend and her child pressed into the service of this perverse pseudo-gag? Would you like to see more photos? Would you like a focus on groceries of another region of the world, or a particular sort of foodstuff (sweets, convenience foods, packaged meals, etc.)? Do you have a shitty, bad-tasting, wasteful or pointless new grocery item you'd like to nominate for consideration?

Drop in a comment and let me know; the Crappys will appear sometime in the middle of next week.
flavored with age

Tiny glimmers of hope

- A series of judges have told the G.O.P. Congress to go get fucked and stay the hell out of Terry Schiavo's life (and death)

- the Iraq "coalition of the willing" continues to fall to pieces, with three countries bailing out in a week's time, despite the president's assurance that all is well

- John McCain continues to suck the President's dick, hopefully dispelling the notion among certain delusional Democrats that he is an acceptable human being

- my girlfriend continues to make me smile every single day

- there really is a Hogzilla