May 4th, 2005

flavored with age

Indo noose

Michael Moore was only partly right. Sure, the media feeds on fear and sticks to the "if it bleeds it leads" credo; but it also feeds on trivia and is just as devoted to the principle that meaningless novelty stories are much more worthy of coverage than stories which actually affect the lives of millions of people.

So, let's see. Africa continues its slide into perdition; a British intelligence memo from 2002 makes it clear that the US would have used any pretext to invade Iraq; and legislation that will allow our country to become a de jure as well as de facto corporate oligarchy continues to breeze through Congress. So what's making headlines?

- Runaway bride gets jitters, fakes kidnapping? CHECK!
- Reality TV show host possibly bangs contestant? CHECK!
- Texas lawmakers ban sexy cheerleaders? CHECK!

The last one is particularly fun as a "news item", because it not only nicely encapsulates our media priorities, but because it's generated so many great quotes already.

"Girls can get out and do all of these overly sexually performances and we applaud them and that's not right," said Democratic Rep. Al Edwards, who filed the legislation.

It's NOT RIGHT, damn it! It's NOT RIGHT to applaud girls for sexual performances! So you guys at strip clubs, cut out that cheering.

Edwards argued bawdy performances are a distraction for students resulting in pregnancies, dropouts and the spread of sexually transmitted diseases.

Which, in a way, probably does address the problems in Africa. If we really wanted to cut down on the horrible AIDS crisis over there, we'd focus on cheerleading.

Ribald performances are not defined in the bill. "Any adult that's been involved with sex in their lives, they know it when they see it," he said.

I'm not sure what I love more about this, the recourse to the hoary non-definition of 'I can't tell you what it is, but I know it when I see it', or the genteel phrasing regarding the average "adult that's been involved with sex in their lives". I'm going to begin starting sentences that way.

- "Speaking as an adult that's been involved with sex in my life, I cannot in good conscience support the governor's new tax plan."
- "Speaking as an adult thats's been involved with sex in my life, I'd be happy to get you that tracking report, boss."
- "Speaking as an adult that's been involved with sex in my life, let's have sex."

One critic questioned the legislation's priorities.

One! One CRITIC! One BIG LOUDMOUTH WHO CAN'T MIND HER BIDNESS dared question the need for this super-necessary legislation to finally stop the madness of teen cheerleader slut-dancing! FALL IN LINE, SENFRONIA THOMPSON!

"Have we done anything about stem cell research to help people who are dying and are sick advance their health? No," said Democratic Rep. Senfronia Thompson. "Have we done anything about the mentally ill, school finance or ethics? No."

There'll be plenty of time for that stuff later, 'Senfronia' if that is your real name, AFTER WE'VE STEMMED THE PLAGUE OF TEEN CHEERLEADER SLUT-DANCING. Christ, talk about priorities!
flavored with age

ASK THE DEFENDERS: What's your favorite movie?

Dr. Strange: "I'd have to say Dr. Strange, the 1978 TV movie inspired by my exploits. No, seriously! This isn't about my ego. This is about an inspiring performance by Peter Wooten, and a movie that rises above its origins as a pilot to become…hey, wait! Where are you going?"

The Hulk: "Hulk like The Apartment. Antics of Jack Lemmon, confident direction by Billy Wilder make Hulk laugh. Why art-house revival cinema charge Hulk for two seats? HULK STAND!"

Prince Namor, the Sub-Mariner: "I spend most of my time underwater, where motion picture equipment does not function. That said, I hear xXx: State of the Union is awesome."

The Valkyrie: " Apocalypse Now . It has my theme song in it, plus I too love the smell of napalm in the morning."

The Silver Surfer: "Only your Earth sports documentaries, such as Blue Horizon and Dogtown and Z-Boys, can possibly quell the torment in my tortured soul. I also liked Any Given Sunday"

Damien Hellstrom, Son of Satan: " Beaches. For the Boys. First Wives Club. Anything with the divine Midler, really. She's my dad's favorite too."

Clea: " Butt-Fuck Sluts Go Nuts."

Do YOU have a question you'd like to...ASK THE DEFENDERS?