May 9th, 2005

flavored with age

One of those numbered weekend recap posts which illustrate my withering attention span

1. Here's hoping a happy Mother's Day was had yesterday by my mom, and your mom, and my girlfriend's daughter's mom, and all moms everywhere, except the evil moms.

2. Yesterday, I experienced for the first time difficulty in completing a freelance assignment because I wasn't hip enough. Now, I know I'm an old, old, man, and I'm only getting old mannerer as the days drag on. And I also know that I would have had difficulty with this assignment even if I was 22, because it dealt with a subject of which I knew nothing even when I was young and marginally hip. But do you know how it makes me feel when I have to hit up young people of my aquaintance to get information about something I'm too decripit and lame to know anything about? It makes me feel OLD. Old like the Pyramids of Ghiza. Old like moldy cheddar. Old like the Queen Mother's mother's grandmama. Old like a Misfits t-shirt. Old like Phyllis Diller plus her jokes. Old like Strom Thurmond if he was still alive. Old as a caveman's underdrawers.

3. The weekend: dinner with thaitea and the IP Posse on Friday night at the Fireside, to celebrate her birthday -- good food, weak Scotch. Walked around on Saturday for a while enjoying the gorgeous weather, then decided I'd had enough of that and came back inside to play video games for a while. About which see next section. Then over to rum_holiday's place for Cities & Knights of Catan -- the second game (brilliantly played by Andrea in one of the most impressive wins I've seen her make) was okay, since I was competitive the entire time and came pretty close to winning if she hadn't completely outmaneuvered me towards the end. The first one, though, was absolutely fucking brutal. I was creamed, reamed, fucked and sucked from Roll #1, and never even came close to making anything happen. My entire moves for the game, and this is no exaggeration, consistied of rebuilding one city and upgrading two knights which ended up availing me naught. That's it. The rest of the game, I was just a spectator. I felt like (insert crappy sports team here). Sunday, I had breakfast with my pal Lara and then holed up in my room the rest of the day polishing off freelance assignments and writing proposals, while outside, God arranged an especially gorgeous day to punish me. It's the writer's life for me!

4. Speaking of video games, I finally fucking beat the "Farewell My Love..." mission in GTA: San Andreas! I know this impresses no one, since those of you who hate video games don't know what I'm talking about and those of you who like them probably finished the whole goddamn game six months ago and are patiently awaiting GTA: Bossier City, Louisiana already, but this fucking thing stymied me so much that I actually stopped playing for a good three months or so and was sure I'd never do it. Anyway, it's over now, I'm firmly entrenched in San Fierro working for Jizzy and Woozy and the rest of these comically-named gangsters, and my definition of "impossible mission" has now been safely entrusted to the capable hands of David "Zero" Cross. (NOTE: I realize this paragraph is totally incomprehensible to most of you. So be it.)

5. Don't dream about certain LiveJournalers on my friends list (guess who and win a prize!), because in the dream they will tell you their life story and make you late for the airport. Do check out the Yahoo! News/USA Today 'snapshots' page, for a whole bunch of asinine infographics:

What to restaurant diners want?
Are adults outpacing children?
What air-safety measures do you welcome?
Does your mom love baking cookies most?
What is the most common state tree?

(The answers, in case you were wondering, are should be: "food", "I'd say they've already outpaced children, merely by virtue of being adults", "none", "no", and "who gives a fuck?".)
flavored with age

I'm only doing this meme because roseyv made me

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Leonard.
2. Leo.
3. Slow Death.

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. ludickid.
2. mysterycritic.
3. aceofspades.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. I have decent wrists.
2. I'm pretty strong for a girl.
3. I'm tallish.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My weight.
2. My appearance.
3. My mortality.

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. Saudi Arabian.
2. Irish. Possibly.
3. Indeterminate southern white trash.

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Heights.
2. Angry dogs.
3. Gun-toting midgets.

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Hot shower.
2. Reading.
3. Meat.

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. Gray boxer-briefs.
2. Steel-toed boots.
3. White wifebeater.

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:
1. Pavement.
2. Wu-Tang Clan.
3. The Minutemen.

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS:
1. "The Grunt, Parts 1 & 2" by the JBs.
2. "Hence the Box" by Vomit Launch.
3. "Love's Gonna Getcha (Material Love)" by Boogie Down Productions.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. Mutual love, lust and respect.
2. That feeling you get when you look to the west you're sitting quietly with someone, not doing anything or even talking, and you know you're with your best friend.
3. Patience and empathy on both sides.

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order):
1. I miss college sometimes.
2. My first curse word was "cocksucker".
3. My dad's new wife is a millionaire.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU
1. The eyes. It's all in the eyes.
2. Underarms. Sorry, folks, it's just a sick thing I have.
3. There's something about a good profile. Like, a facial profile, not an online dating profile.

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Reading.
2. Writing.
3. Let's say keeping score at baseball games, since those first two are really more life-consuming obsessions than they are hobbies.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Leave work.
2. Win the lottery.
3. Make out with my girlfriend.

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING/YOU'VE CONSIDERED:
1. Argumentative lawyer.
2. Argumentative college professor.
3. Argumentative bookstore owner.

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Ireland.
2. Rome.
3. Paris.

THREE KID'S NAMES YOU LIKE:
1. Ashtoreth.
2. Lucifer.
3. Annie.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Publish a crappy novel.
2. Travel to Europe.
3. Stand in a building where humans lived over a thousand years ago.

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:
1. Sports!
2. I like having sex with women.
3. I am generally not interested in/skillful at fashion or interior design.

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A CHICK:
1. I think most typically macho behavior is asinine.
2. I like cooking and domesticity.
3. I think cooperation is more useful than competition. Except in sports!

THREE CELEB CRUSHES:
1. Uma Thurman.
2. Janeane Garofalo, pre-2001.
3. Joan Jett, Carrie Brownstein, Kathleen Hanna, Donna Dresch, Donita Sparks, and pretty much any other female rock musician who is a lesbian or probably a lesbian.

THREE PEOPLE THAT I WOULD LIKE TO SEE TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW:
1. solipsiae
2. ezrael
3. tawdryjones
flavored with age

BE MORE FUNNIER!

My throwaway joke about Grand Theft Auto: Bossier City, Louisiana leads to an idea to help all you dancing clowns pass the time on a boring rainy Monday:

Come up with missions for the next installment of the Grand Theft Auto video game franchise, on the assumption that it will involve not mafiosi (like GTAIII), drug lords (like GTA: Vice City) or gangbangers (like GTA: San Andreas), but rather white trash petty criminals in the south.

Examples:

The Foist of a New Generation: Lester must jimmy at least six free sodas from the Pepsi machine over at the impound yard to give to his boys after knocking over a bait shop. But he has to be careful, or the machine will tip over and crush him.

Ain't Gonna Let 'Em Catch the Night Rider: Lester's on a Klan-page! You have two minutes to burn as many crosses in the yards of people in the black neighborhood as you can before you're caught by the cops, the locals, or the attorney from the Southern Poverty Law Center.

Leaving in a Huff: Lester and his boys are lookin' for a bigger kick than their regular diet of Jack Daniel's and Everclear. You must don a series of disguises in order to make sure you can stop at the hardware store, the hobby shop and the supermarket (for paint, airplane glue and whipped cream cans, respectively) without getting busted.

NOW YOU!