May 11th, 2005

flavored with age

Jesus people arguing is so, so sexy

WHO KNEW A POLITICAL ULTIMATUM WOULD PROVE SO DIVISIVE?

WAYNESVILLE, N.C. - A Baptist pastor accused of threatening to banish from his church anyone who didn't vote for President Bush has himself chosen to depart, leaving in his wake a divided community and a cultural chasm.

"I THOUGHT IT WAS CHAN MARSHALL," COMPLAINED ONE YOUNG CHURCHGOER

The Rev. Chan Chandler, 33, walked out of the church he had led for three years Tuesday night after delivering a brief statement of resignation. With him went many of the young congregants he had attracted to the modest brick church on the outskirts of this small mountain town in western North Carolina.

ME ME ME ME ME ME ME

"For me to remain now would only cause more hurt for me and my family," Chandler said. "I am resigning with gratitude in my heart for all of you, particularly those of you who love me and my family."

ONLY MOST TIMES IT'S THE YOUNG PEOPLE WHO ARE LIBERAL AND PERMISSIVE AND THE OLD PEOPLE WHO ARE BATSHIT REACTIONARIES, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND

The dispute that engulfed East Waynesville Baptist Church in recent months would have sounded familiar to many an American congregation: Aging congregation brings in dynamic young preacher to turn things around. New pastor attracts young members who push for change in traditional ways of doing things. Battle ensues.

BECAUSE HOW COULD ANYONE WHO VOTED FOR JOHN KERRY BELIEVE IN GOD?

As Chandler and his wife drove out of the church's parking lot followed by a police escort, about 40 of his supporters walked out as well, with many saying they were resigning their memberships. "I'm not going to serve with the ungodly," an angry Misty Turner declared.

OH, SO JUST BECAUSE HE EXCOMMUNICATES PEOPLE FOR VOTING DEMOCRAT, ALL OF THE SUDDEN HE'S 'BRAINWASHING'

But Maxine Osborne, 70, and among those who stayed behind, had a different view of what had transpired. "A lot of these young people had not been in the church more than a year," she said. The Chandlers "brought in a lot of young people, but they also brainwashed them."

CONFESS TO THE HIDEOUS SIN OF HERESY

Members said the troubles had been simmering since last fall, when Chandler endorsed Bush and denounced Kerry from the pulpit — saying those who planned to vote for the Democrat should "repent or resign."

AND BY 'POLITICALLY ACTIVE', I MEAN FOR THE RIGHT

Tensions escalated last week, when several members said Chandler called a meeting of the church's board of deacons and declared his intention for East Waynesville to become a politically active church.

HEY, WAIT, I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D REALLY DO IT

Anyone who did not like that direction was free to leave, Chandler said — a statement that caused nine members to walk out.

STUPID OLD MAN DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THAT IT'S UNGODLY TO KEEP YOUR OPINIONS TO YOURSELF

Many of those who opposed Chandler's leadership said they agreed with the pastor's positions on abortion and other hot-button religious topics, but disliked linking those beliefs to specific political positions and candidates. "If we wanted politics, we would stay home and watch it 24 hours a day on TV," said Charles Gaddy, 70. "I like Chan. He can preach a good sermon. I just wish he would keep some things out of the church."

EQUALLY STUPID OLD MAN SEEMS TO THINK IT'S POSSIBLE TO KEEP RELIGION AND POLITICS SEPARATE

Frank Lowe, 73, a leader of the members who left the church in opposition to Chandler's leadership, said, "I think his duty was to preach God's word and let the people sort out what they want to do."

AND IT CLEARLY SAYS IN ZEPHANIAH 3:26, "DON'T VOTE FOR JOHN KERRY"

Chandler supporter Rhonda Trantham, 27, saw no problem with Chandler's approach. "If it's in the Bible, I believe it should be preached," she said.

HE'S CERTAINLY DONE A BANG-UP JOB THUS FAR

"God will always fix things in the end," she said.
flavored with age

20th-century dictators blog from beyond the grave

Adolf Hitler, nsdap.blogspot.com: "Yo, meine Parteileute, haben Sie den neuen Paul Oakenfold gehört? Es wird garantier, um den Rave zu halten bis den Bruch von Dämmerung zu bewegen! Drehen Sie es oben und Haben eine 24stündige durchgehende X-getankte Jude-freie gute Zeit!"

Pol Pot, yearzero.diaryland.com: "Check out this hilarious link, it's like some nerds playing real life Dungeons and Dragons and shit! Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt!"

Francisco Franco, stilldead.org: "¿OK, quién mirado 'La Raza Asombrosa' ayer por la noche? ¡Rock on, Uchenna!"

Josef Stalin, manofsteel.blogger.com: "I can't believe this new Bacon Cheddar Ranch sandwich at Burger King. There's nothing to it at all. It's just a bacon cheeseburger with some crappy ranch dressing on it. If this is what passes for innovation in their marketing department these days I hope some purges are in the offing. I barely managed to eat three of them yesterday at lunch. Way to suck, so-called Burger 'King'."

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flavored with age

Why must I post so much?

MOVIES NOW PLAYING IN THE CHICAGO AREA I HAD NO TROUBLE TURNING INTO PORN TITLES:

Ali: Fear Eats My Snatch
The Amityville Whorer
Are You In Yet?
'Bating List
Because of Winn's Dick, See?
Booty Shop
Dan, Ron: The Nakedest Guys in the Room
Diary of a Hot Black Woman
Fevered Bitch
Guess Ho
Harold in Maude
The Hitchhiker's Guide to My Girlfriend's Ass
Kingdom of Heavin'
Look at Me (I'm Taking My Shirt Off)
Major Undie
Monster-in-Bed
The NeverEnding Porn Loop
Nightshaving: Roots in Hardcore
Peeing on Julia
Penisable Kingdom
Scat Play Afternoon
This "Gun" for Hire
Twenty Dollar Baby
Underpants, U.S.A.
The Upside of Unger
A Very Long Engorgement
Vice Princess

MOVIES NOW PLAYING IN THE CHICAGO AREA THAT PRETTY MUCH READ LIKE PORN TITLES WITHOUT CHANGING THEM AT ALL:

The Audition
Born into Brothels
Box of Treasures
Delivery
The Doll Squad
Double Dare
The Human Body
Melinda and Melinda
Sin City
Turbonegro: The ResErection
Two Women
xXx: State of the Union