June 21st, 2005

flavored with age

This is your future, people

Who will play you in the movie of your life?

Who will play the person who played you in the movie of your life in the movie of their life?

Who will voice you in the cartoon of your life?

Who will ghostwrite you in the mass-market bionovelization of your life?

Who will gesticulate you in the movement-based performance art interpretive dance of your life?
flavored with age

Speaking of unanswerable questions...

Here's some of the latest "USA Today Snapshots", your source for totally useless information:


Who are the healthiest eaters?

Do you screen out the sun's rays? (If I stand in just the right position, yes...)

What states are enamored with tennis?

What is the American Dream? (Nickname of professional wrestler Dusty Rhodes...)

Does spiritual literature sell?

Who does home projects at your house? (Who does home projects at my house WHAT?)

What is the latest video game machine?


I love that last one, for its charmingly out-of-touch phrasing. "Say, kids, are you going down to the penny arcade and play the latest video game machine? Okay, have fun! Remember, I don't want you 'toking' the marijuana drugs."
flavored with age

Return with us to those thrilling days of yesteryear

I just bought a bunch of old-time radio shows. I got the entire runs of:

Where Creeps the Shuffler!

From the Casebook of Kidneypunch O’Sullivan

Spat-On Romance

Oh, Those Bulczywyczs!

The Aaron’s Basinet Polish and Badney’s Consumption Grease Old-Time Variety Hunker-Down Hour

Jut Huxley, Indian Stabber

Around-the-State News

Farmer Seth’s Country Comedy Chiaroscuro

Stories That Lack Credibility!

Li’l’ Jinx and the Hard Luck Soup Kitchen Kids

Tales of Imminent Death

Trag McCrunley, Wharf Detective

Weepie & Tearie, the Sob Sisters

Senator Grandpa

The 4 A.M. Yiddish Folklore & Restricted Popular Entertainments Program

Lynch Mob!

Today’s Negro: Knowing Our Place

Bark Along with Rex

The Outer Space Adventure Hour, Presented by Cudahy’s Sealing Wax (“The Sealing Wax…of TOMORROW!”)

Stuff Hinckerd, Boy Anti-Pornography Crusader

I love old-time radio.
flavored with age

Oh boy, more boring playlists!

Last-minute foul mood, thrown-together-for-the-fuck-if-it, I've-got-writer's-block-and-can't-get-this-script-the-way-I-want-it "50 States" playlist:

1. "Alabama-Song", Lotte Lenya
2. "Baked Alaska", Eggs
3. "By the Time I Get to Arizona", Public Enemy
4. "Arkansas Traveler", Fiddlin' John Carson & His Virginia Reelers
5. "California uber Alles", Dead Kennedys
6. "Colorado Kool-Aid", Johnny Paycheck
7. "Connecticut Compost Pile", Bohemian National
8. "The Delaware Slide", George Thorogood & His Delaware Destroyers
9. "Blank Florida", Hazel
10. "Georgia Hard", Robbie Fulks
11. "Hawaii Five-0", the Ventures
12. "Ordinary People in Idaho", Ruins
13. "The Giant of Illinois", the Handsome Family
14. "Indiana Wants Me", R. Dean Taylor
15. "Snowstorm in Iowa", Polvo
16. "Not in Kansas", Basehead
17. "Blue Moon of Kentucky", Bill Monroe & His Bluegrass Boys
18. "Louisiana Woman, Mississippi Man", Conway Twitty & Loretta Lynn
19. "Going to Maine", the Mountain Goats
20. "Maryland Bridge", the Weakerthans
21. "Massachusetts", the Scud Mountain Boys
22. "Say Yes! to Michigan", Sufjan Stevens
23. "Jordan, Minnesota", Big Black
24. "Mississippi Goddamn", Nina Simone
25. "Missouri", Low
26. "Montana Cowgirl", Emmylou Harris & the Nash Ramblers
27. "Nebraska", Bruce Springsteen
28. "Nevada", New Radiant Storm King
29. "New Hampshire", Sonic Youth
30. "I'm from New Jersey", the Chordbenders
31. "Dreamville, New Mexico", Giant Sand
32. "T.O.N.Y. (Top of New York)", Capone-N-Noreaga
33. "Raise Up (North Carolina Dirty)", Petey Pablo
34. "North Dakota", Lyle Lovett
35. "Ohio River Boat Song", Palace
36. "A Yid ist Geboren inz Oklahoma", Bad Livers
37. "Portland, Oregon", Loretta Lynn & Jack White
38. "PEnnsylvania 6-5000", Glenn Miller & His Orchestra
39. "Rhode Island is Famous for You", Blossom Dearie
40. "South Carolina", Archers of Loaf
41. "South Dakota", Tangerine Dream*
42. "Tennessee Stud", Flathead
43. "The State of Texas vs. Fear Before the March of Flames", Fear Before the March of Flames
44. "The History of Utah", Camper van Beethoven
45. "Moonlight on Vermont", Captain Beefheart & His Magic Band
46. "Virginia Plain", Roxy Music
47. "The Temptress of Washington", Cast Iron Filter**
48. "Wild West Virginia", Daniel Johnston
49. "Wisconsin Death Trip", Static-X***
50. "Poofter's Froth, Wyoming, Plans Ahead", Frank Zappa & Captain Beefheart****

None too happy with some of these picks, especially towards the end, so feel free to suggest substitutes. The only rule is, the song has to have the state name in the title.

*: TANGERINE DREAM! What am I, some kind of a gay Euro-hippie? This especially has gotta go, but unsurprisingly, there aren't a lot of songs about South Dakota. Also, I feel like two Loretta Lynn duets is cheating, even if they're both good.

**: Booooo. This boring bluegrass-lite nonsense pains me. Boooo.

***: Hey, I'm hangin' out in the Burger King parking lot! Static-X, Christ. I didn't even listen to this crap when I was 19.

****: Doubled-up Beefheart, and not a very good song at that. God I suck.