Our friend fengi
did a fine job
recently of facing down some Biblists who mistakenly believe that the Good Book prohibits abortion. In fact, it does no such thing; God never says a word against abortion and was (through his earthly proxies), the foremost practitioner of abortion prior to the invention of electricity.
But what else does God say do? How else are you displeasing him, perhaps unknowingly? I am here to help you lead a more godly life through my ludicrously overkilled recall of scripture from my misspent youth as a Baptist. I want you all to go to heaven, so please be on the watch for the following God-prohibited behaviors:
- Building a church with steps (Ex. 20:26). This one is broken ALL THE TIME.
- Beating your servants to death (Ex. 21:20-21). Note, however, that God says it's fine just to beat them until they're badly injured.
- Fucking animals (Lev. 20:15-16). Rick Santorum was right!
- Working on Friday, Saturday, Sunday, or any of the other days you interpret as the Sabbath (Ex. 35:2). If you work weekends, you will most likely be killed for it.
- Saying "Fuck you, dad" (Ex. 21:17) or "Goddamn this toaster" (Lev. 24:16). Watch your temper...or DIE!
- Failing to impregnate your brother's wife when God says to (Gen. 38:1-10). Admittedly, this doesn't come up all that often, but can you afford to take that chance?
- Touching Mt. Sinai while God is there (Ex. 19:12-14). The punishment for this is being stoned to death or shot full of arrows, even if it's an animal who touches the mountain. So if you're going hiking in the Holy Land, it is imperative
to call the park rangers and find out of God is on the mountain, unless you want to end up a human pincushion. Same goes for your pets, obviously.
- Looking God in the face (Ex. 33:18) is punishable, like pretty much everything, by death. God and Frank Booth: don't you fuckin' look at me!
- Going to church without underpants (Ex. 28:42-43). Punishable by death, and also gross.
- Eatin' bats (Lev. 11:19-22). Oh, also meats and cheeses at the same time: in God's eyes, a bat and a bacon double cheeseburger are equally the food of the damned.
- Getting a tattoo (Lev. 19:28). Since the Holocaust, when many Jews acquired tattoos against their will, some theologians have interpreted this as saying you cannot be buried in sacred ground if you have a tattoo, but either way, you're dead.
- Sitting on a chair where a woman on her period has also sat (Lev. 13, among others). Icky women! Unclean! Unclean!
- Making your husband think you're cheating on him (Num. 5:11-31). If you do this, you have to drink filthy water, which might make your uterus fall out. Unless you're innocent! So, not bad.
- Failing to kill people God has specifically instructed you to kill (Num. 31, among many, many, many other places). I don't know why people get so freaked out when some dude ices a bunch of people and then says "God told me to"; what's he supposed to do, say no?
- Trying to convert someone to another religion (Deut. 13:6). If someone does this to you, even if it is your wife, child or best friend, you should beat them to death.
- Men dressing up as ladies, or vice-versa (Deut. 22:5). God doesn't go for these kinds of monkeyshines, people.
- Lending money at interest (Deut. 23:19-20). Unless it's to a dirty foreigner or something.
- Grabbing some dude's package to get him to stop beating up your husband (Deut. 25:11-12); punishable by severing the hand. Again, probably wouldn't come up that often, but it's good to know.
- Sweating (Ezek. 44:19). Okay, God doesn't actually forbid
this, and he doesn't suggest a specific punishment (my guess: death), but it's clear he's not comfortable with the whole concept. God has also come out pretty strongly against menstruation, genital mutilation and dwarves.
- Thinking the sun and moon are pretty (Job 31:26-28). This is kinda hard to fathom, since God elsewhere stated that he made the sun and moon pretty to entertain humans and make them glorify him, but when you consider that in Ezek. 20:25-26, God 'fesses up to to giving people bullshit laws in order to make their lives miserable, it's not really very surprising. But you have to obey them all anyway! Maybe the one you're breaking is one of the bogus ones, or maybe it's one of the ones God will kill you over! Can you afford to take that chance?