July 26th, 2005

flavored with age

So many questions

Dear dark-skinned subway riders of London,

Sucks to be you, don't it?

***

Dear Jarrett Keene,

What the holy hell is this? I'm glad you liked the book, and good for your for your totally non-patronizing belief that someone can be a wife and mother and still be interesting, and thanks for your unique perspective that you think differently about things now that you're not 20 anymore. But in what universe do you think it's appropriate to start a book review by noting that you'd like to fuck the author? (Thanks to fengi for the heads-up on this.)

***

Dear James Lileks,

I dress casually in the summer, because it’s hot. But for the last few years I’ve returned to good slacks and decent shoes and a crisp shirt and a tie. Grown-up clothes. Dad clothes. A man ought to be able to put on a shirt and tie without thinking he’s putting on a costume to deal with The Man; he should regard it as the Rainments of Masculinity, the costume we wear to project the impression of seriousness. If we’re not serious, it’ll be apparent quite soon. Likewise if we’re a peacock, a grifter, a poseur, a drone, a cog – the uniform only says that you’re part of the hard plain world, not whether or not you really belong there. I just know that I feel different in a shirt and tie. I stand up straighter. I don’t feel as though I’m owed more respect; on the contrary, I feel obliged to be more respectful. It’s hard to describe, but to paraphrase a drunken Marge Simpson after six Long Island Iced Teas – you guys in the audience, you know what I’m talking about.

What on earth does this mean?

***

Dear Ricky Williams,

Classy apology and all, but I'm not sure I get why it was needed. In almost any other profession in the world, you would not be harshly criticized (vilified, even) for declaring that your job was unfulfilling, your work was making you miserable, and that you wanted to take time off to explore other possibilities. Why do you find it necessary to pander to these sack-of-shit sports fans and media who don't give a fuck about you?

(Peripheral question: Dear sports fans, why do you think it's okay for an athlete to drive drunk, steal, spout all sorts of racist or sexist or homophobic nonsense, commit acts of violence, or rape women, but the one thing you can't forgive is an athlete expressing the opinon that there might be more rewarding things in life than sports? Doesn't that say a little too much about your priorities?)

***

Dear black Mormons,

Ha ha, are you nuts?
flavored with age

(no subject)

Here's a headline I wasn't expecting.

I have rewritten other AP news headlines to incorporate this format, because it is so amazing and important. Thus:

- SPACE SHUTTLE DISCOVERY FREE FROM SORES, WOUNDS, FACIAL SCARRING
- BLISTERING HEATWAVE STRIKES MIDWEST; SCIENTOLOGY NOT TO BLAME
- NUCLEAR TALKS OPEN AS NORTH KOREA ENDS BOYCOTT; KATIE HOLMES STILL A HOLDOUT
- FOUR BOY SCOUT LEADERS KILLED IN VIRGINIA ACCIDENT; SCIENTOLOGY'S ROLE STILL UNCLEAR
- IRAQ CONSTITUTION MAY ERODE RIGHTS OF KATIE HOLMES, OTHER WOMEN
- CHINA FACES EPIDEMIC OF SUICIDE, DEPRESSION, MYSTERIOUS MOUTH SORES
- DIPLOMAT: PAKISTANIS, SCIENTOLOGISTS NOT INVOLVED IN LONDON ATTACKS
- 50 SUSPECTED TALIBAN KILLED IN AFGHANISTAN; KATIE HOLMES SAFE
- FLIGHT FROM LOS ANGELES TO LONDON DIVERTED WITH TWO BLAMELESS SCIENTOLOGISTS ABOARD
- BUSH TO DEMOCRATS: "DON'T ASK FOR ROBERTS PAPERS; SCIENTOLOGY NOT TO BLAME FOR SORES ON KATIE HOLMES' MOUTH"
flavored with age

More questions

Dear Jim Shooter,

Remember that story you wrote in Web of Spider-Man #34, about Spider-Man entering a neighborhood football game with a bunch of kids, and it turned out the Watcher and some Skrull fuckwad were betting on it with the stakes being the fate of the universe? It was called “Fourth and Infinity” or “Fourth and Eternity” or some goddamn thing, and it was pretty cretinous even by your standards. What was up with that?

***

Dear life,

Even though I complain about you all the time, I realize that I am incredibly lucky to live where and when I do, and to have intelligent and interesting friends, and to be dating an incredibly wonderful woman with the world’s greatest kid. You know I love you, right?

***

Dear the Chicago White Sox,

Good work so far. Can you hook a brother up with playoff tickets?
flavored with age

Laides. Gentlemen. The grossest comedy poll I have ever posted.

I'm very, very, very sorry.

Poll #540048 I just wanted to be popular

Los órganos genitales de un hombre. ¿Qué palabra es la mayoría divertido?

dork
0(0.0%)
weenus
5(16.1%)
dong
0(0.0%)
wang
9(29.0%)
schlong
6(19.4%)
dingus
2(6.5%)
thing
0(0.0%)
weenie
1(3.2%)
ding-dong
1(3.2%)
putz
0(0.0%)
doodle
2(6.5%)
pud
1(3.2%)
tadger
0(0.0%)
wee-wee
0(0.0%)
you are missing the funniest one; all will be revealed in Comments
4(12.9%)

Los órganos genitales de una mujer. ¿Qué palabra es la mayoría divertido?

cooter
4(12.5%)
cooze
0(0.0%)
taco
0(0.0%)
puss
0(0.0%)
muff
1(3.1%)
coochie
4(12.5%)
fanny
0(0.0%)
suzie
2(6.2%)
quim
3(9.4%)
coonie
0(0.0%)
nookie
0(0.0%)
poon
3(9.4%)
choot
1(3.1%)
special area
8(25.0%)
you are missing the funniest one; all will be revealed in Comments
6(18.8%)