August 3rd, 2005

flavored with age

The Fat Boys' "Jailhouse Rap": An Exegisis (AKA Another Post About Food, Dammit)

In which I focus my brilliant mind on the logical flaws of a minor hit by a nearly-forgotten 1980s rap band. God, I need a nap.

Now, see, the premise of “Jailhouse Rap” – which, by the way, is actually a very good song delivered by the highly underrated Fat Boys – is that the three (Kool Rock Ski, Buff the Human Beat Box, and Prince Markie Dee) are imprisoned for various food-related crimes. You would think this early gangsta classic would be cited even today as a germinal effort on the path to hardcore, but it’s not. Why? Because they frontin’. You can tell they frontin’. Their story just doesn’t add up. Let’s go to the record.


PRINCE MARKIE DEE:

It was twelve o'clock midnight and I wanted a snack
So I headed downstairs for a fridge attack
But when I opened the door, what did I see?
The back of the fridge staring right at me
I thought to myself “I could almost die”
Then an image appeared: a pizza pie
So I put on Adidas, headed out the door
As I pictured myself eating more and more
But the store was closed


LOGICAL FLAW #1: The Fat Boys are from New York, the city that never sleeps. Are we to believe that they are unable to find a restaurant or store that sells pizza at midnight?

I busted into a rage
So I went to the crib and got my twelve-gauge
Ran back to the shop, busted down the door
And all I saw was pizza galore


LOGICAL FLAW #2: I don’t understand what the shotgun is for. Surely a man who carries 250 pounds on the hoof like Prince Markie Dee can break down a door without the aid of a firearm; and if armed robbery was his goal, why didn’t he just rob someone for cash and go buy a pizza? Oh, right, I forgot: there’s no pizza places open at midnight in New York City.

KOOL ROCK SKI:

Well, Kool Rock is my name, last part is ‘ski’
And I had the worst case of any MC


LOGICAL FLAW #3: Kool Rock Ski’s “case” involves not paying for his meal at a fast food joint. This is hardly the worst case of any emcee, compared to, say, those who have been jailed for murder, or repeatedly shot. Exaggeration has no place in hip-hop.

But listen to the story 'cause it's kind of strange
Of when I had this sort of hunger pain
Walking down the street with the bass in my box
With my stomach growling like a hungry fox
When I saw this scene -- or was it a dream?
A big restaurant sign said ‘Burger King’
So I went inside, started stuffing my face
Didn't even think about the things I ate
But when the bill came up


LOGICAL FLAW #4: The bill doesn’t come up at a Burger King. At fast food restaurants, you pay for your meal before you get it. It’s not Citrus we’re talking about here; it’s Burger King. Unless, of course, there are Burger Kings in New York where you are billed after you eat. Perhaps they’re located next to all the pizza places and grocery stores that close at 9PM.

Boy, was I shocked

LOGICAL FLAW #5: How could you possibly be shocked that a restaurant would charge you for the meal you just ate? That’s the basic function of a restaurant! Had Kool Rock Ski never eaten in, or even heard of, a restaurant before, that he would be shocked by the request that he pay for his purchases? Who’s being naïve, Kool Rock Ski?

I said, "I don't pay for nothing, I'm the King of the Slops!"

LOGICAL FLAW #6: Surely Kool Rock Ski must have realized that “King of the Slops” is merely a self-designated honorific and would not be recognized by the management of Burger King (a subsidiary of AmeriKing, Inc.). He has no more monarchial authority over slops than Burger King has over ground meat.

In jail, in jail, without no bail
In jail, we're in jail because we failed


LOGICAL FLAW #7: Even during the tough-on-crime days of the mid-‘80s when this song was written, you would be very unlikely, even at the mercy of the harshest judge, to serve jail time for eating a Burger King meal and not paying. You would most likely be assessed a small fine and at worst be charged with shoplifting, a misdemeanor offense which almost never carries a penalty of jail time. And even if the judge were an AmeriKing stockholder and decided to make an example of Kool Rock Ski by assigning the maximum penalty and ordering jail time, he would certainly not be able to hold the hefty rapper without bail, a condition reserved only for the most egregious murderers and sex offenders.

It just doesn’t add up, damn it. And it ruins the plausibility of this otherwise brilliant song.
flavored with age

Strom Thurmond: Gone But Not Forgotten

So solipsiae and I were dicking around on IM yesterday, and we started talking about Strom Thurmond. Which led to this flow of conversation:

- The awesome thing about Strom is that he was so goddamn old. He was a senator when he was 100 years old.

- I mean, sure, he was a horrible person, but old=funny, so that trumps his racism and sexism and homophobia.

- So wouldn't it be awesome if there was a legal requirement that at least, say, a dozen members of congress at any given time had to be at least a hundred years old?

- Or better yet, if you live to be 100, you automatically get made a congressman!

- And you can pass any legislation you want. Automatically. Just any crazy fucking thing that pops into your doddering old head. So you constantly have stuff like the "Damn Kids Get Off My Property Act of 2005" or the "McPherson-Hammersley Softer Pudding Laws" or the official "Remember That One Cousin of Yours Back in '52, Young Andrew, Who Wore the Blue Hat?" measure.

- Which, I think we can all agree, would be hilarious.

- Sure, some people would call it a gerontocracy, but think of all the time it would save Willard Scott.

So, the questions are: when will solipsiae turn this into a hilarious sketch comedy piece? And how can we best facilitate this actually happening as soon as possible?
flavored with age

(no subject)

Meanwhile, scandal at the Jungle Hiltons!: apparantly, while America slept, dreaming its innocent dreams of Jesus on the cross, daffodils and kittens, television discovered this nefarious narcotic "the marijuana".

USA TODAY WRITER CHOOSES TRITEST POSSIBLE OPENING FOR ARTICLE ABOUT MARIJUANA

Is Hollywood going one toke over the line?

JUST LIKE "SEVENTH HEAVEN"'S GLAMORIZATION OF JESUS BOOSTED HIS USE AMONG YOUTHS

Marijuana use is cropping up on some critically acclaimed shows, and anti-drug forces fear the glamorization of pot could boost its use among youths.

LATE-NIGHT PAY-CHANNEL SHOW ABOUT CALLOW ASSHOLES SHOCKS WORLD BY SUGGESTING DRUG USE IN HOLLYWOOD

Pot is an ongoing theme on HBO's 'Entourage', which centers on a rising young movie star and his New York buddies who have gone Hollywood. Sunday's episode features two teens getting high at a bat mitzvah.

BY "STREETWISE", OF COURSE, WE MEAN "BLACK"

Streetwise Maurice "Smoke" Williams (Kirk Jones) lit up on last week's premiere of 'Over There', FX's gritty Iraq war drama.

HOLLYWOOD HAS A SACRED DUTY NOT TO MENTION THIS HARMLESS DRUG USED BY TENS OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE

Hollywood's embellishment of marijuana use is "irresponsible," says Tom Riley of the White House's Office of National Drug Control Policy.

'THAT '70s SHOW' CALLED "TRENDSETTING" FOR FIRST TIME EVER

Shows that tacitly approve of pot-smoking, particularly comedies, may exacerbate its use, says Steve Dnistrian of the Partnership for a Drug-Free America. "These are trendsetting shows. They affect behavior and attitudes, particularly teens. When glamorization of drugs has climbed, changes in teen attitudes followed."

TRAITOROUS HOLLYWOOD LIBERAL SHAMEFULLY FAILS TO KEEP VAST DRUG ABUSE IN MILITARY AN OPEN SECRET

'Over There' co-creator and executive producer Chris Gerolmo says the show's depiction of pot use is not an endorsement. Still, Gerolmo says "drug use is certainly part of life in the Army."

SHUT UP, YOU CRAZY HIPPIE

A 2003 study — the government's latest on drug use — found that 14.6 million Americans used pot at least once in the past month, up slightly from 2002. And more than 95 million have tried it. "With so many having tried marijuana, it would be bizarre not to expect that reality wouldn't be depicted in films and on TV," says Bruce Mirken of the Marijuana Policy Project, the USA's largest pot-policy-reform group.