August 25th, 2005

the one with your name on it

The Booty Calls of the Elders of Zion

GOOD THINGS ABOUT RESEARCHING THIS ARTICLE ON SECRET RELIGIOUS SOCIETIES IN THE UNITED STATES FOR "AMERICAN HISTORY" MAGAZINE:

- Got free copy of The Plot, Will Eisner’s last book
- Get to read lots of entertainingly kooky conspiracy theories
- $


BAD THINGS ABOUT RESEARCHING THIS ARTICLE ON SECRET RELIGIOUS SOCIETIES IN THE UNITED STATES FOR "AMERICAN HISTORY" MAGAZINE:

- Many library books dealing with this topic cannot be checked out
- Get to read way, way too many depressingly kooky conspiracy theories
- Boy, people sure do hate Jews

By the way, at the bookstore last night, I wanted to pick up a copy of Holy Blood, Holy Grail, and their computer said there wasn't one in the store. So, while looking for The Messianic Legacy by the same authors in the "Metaphysics" section (which is the polite name for "Crazy Nut Books", I guess), I noticed THERE WAS A COPY RIGHT THERE ON THE SHELF AFTER ALL!!!!11!!! omg, total conspiracy, cue X-Files music.
flavored with age

You mean state UNfair

You know what I hate about working out? It's so addictive. Whenever I go a lot, like I've been doing lately, I always feel really good afterwards, but if I skip one day, I feel like the fattest man in the Fatso Corners neighborhood of Fat City, in the great state of Fatsylvania in the fateastern corner of the United States of Fatmerica. I think it's all a scam by the endorphin industry to get us hooked on their products, now available in Slurpee form (try the new Frosted Chemo-Burst and Sour Perspinana-Berry flavors) at your local 7-11.

Anyway, my gal ninafarina and I are going to take Li'l' Duce to the Minnesota State Fair next weekend. I'm really excited about it, because I am six years old and think state fairs are awesome. I've never been to the Illinois state fair since it's way the fuck down in Springfield, and the Arizona state fair was always a bit cactus- and imperialism-focused for my tastes, but I basically love the whole concept. Given that I am a fun-hating, Disneyland-despising, cold lump of mean, I become functionally retarded when faced with state fairs, Christmas and comic books, which is proof of something, probably that I am autistic or perhaps just stupid. Anyway, here's a poll:


Poll #558793 It's a fair cop

What is the most totally awesome thing about state fairs?

Corn dogs
2(4.9%)
Sculptures made of butter
1(2.4%)
Cows, generally
3(7.3%)
Rodeo clowns
1(2.4%)
Overabundance of hay
0(0.0%)
Rides that are designed to make you vom
0(0.0%)
Fresh-faced teenaged girls who have just been named "Miss Northwestern McAllister County Manure Queen"
1(2.4%)
Recipe contests/cookoffs/eating competitions
1(2.4%)
Petting zoos
1(2.4%)
Local industry pavilions
0(0.0%)
Wall-to-wall fatties
1(2.4%)
Getting high and trying to hold a conversation with the people at that one booth who want everyone to speak Flemish, or vote for Lyndon LaRouche, or something
2(4.9%)
A steadfast determination to fry and eat anything that can possibly be fried and eaten
10(24.4%)
Watching the politicians pretend they're enjoying themselves
1(2.4%)
State fairs suck, dude
1(2.4%)

What other thing am I forgetting that makes state fairs totally awesome?

uh oh

But so is Brenda Lee

And now, as I like to do every so often, I wish to offer the following apologies.

1. To the good people of Amarillo, TX, I’m sorry. I should have cleaned the bathroom first, or at least put a sign on the door.

2. To the voters of Cook County, IL, I’m sorry. In my defense, I did put all of my plans in the voter guide prior to election day, but perhaps you didn’t take them seriously. At any rate, my actions, up to and including the construction of the “correctivity camps” and the multiple show trials for heresy, were clearly outside the aegis of the office of Water Commissioner. I overstepped my bounds and I’m sorry.

3. To the Japanese-American Cultural Congress of Pomona, CA, I’m sorry. I had no idea that among your people, those words, gestures, bodily secretions, and forms of sexual interaction were offensive.

4. To the Merton family of Salinas, KS, I’m sorry. I can’t help thinking that if you’d been a bit more reasonable, and if you’d paid closer attention to my explanation of how badly I needed to use your car, a lot of the resulting unpleasantness could have been avoided. But I’m still sorry, and the first two funerals are my treat.

5. To the Karros family of Ames, IA, I’m sorry. For essentially the same reasons.

6. Also to the police department of Bettendorf, IA.

7. Though not to the police department of Grand Junction, CO. That was totally your fuckup, dudes.

8. To my girlfriend, I’m sorry. For everything, really, but mostly for the times where I said anything, did anything, or sold anything into white slavery.

9. To Jon, I’m sorry. I think it’s probably best for you, your wife, your neighbors and co-workers if I don’t spell out exactly why I’m sorry, but trust me, you’ll know why when it happens.

10. To Paraguay, I’m sorry. There really is no excuse for what I did, but if there is a bright side, it’s that some of you are here today to read this apology.