This morning, when I was leaving my apartment, I found a flyer on the front door: a menu for "BELLONA'S CHICAGO STYLE PIZZA".
And I thought, oh, sure, they SAY they have good pizza, but you call up and order it and then it never comes.
If you think this joke is funny, or if you even get this joke, you are a nerd.
PARADE OF SHITTY RAPPERS TO HARANGUE NATION ABOUT HURRICANE RELIEF
BET is the latest network to announce a telethon to benefit victims of Hurricane Katrina, airing as a two-part, four-hour broadcast Sept. 9. From 6 to 7:30 p.m. EDT, the network will present a special edition of "106 & Park: BET's Top 10 Live," followed by the telethon, which continues until 10 p.m. Russell Simmons, Chris Rock, Wynton Marsalis and rappers Master P, Juvenile and David Banner are among those scheduled to appear.
PLENTY OF ENTERTAINMENT OPTIONS ALSO AVAILABLE FOR PHILANTHROPIC WHITES WITH NO TASTE
Other previously announced efforts include "A Concert for Hurricane Relief," airing on NBC, MSNBC and CNBC at 8 p.m. Friday. The hourlong special, hosted by "Today" show co-host Matt Lauer in New York, is scheduled to include performances by Marsalis, Harry Connick Jr. and Tim McGraw. Leonardo DiCaprio and other celebrities are expected to participate.
THERE'S ENOUGH MAWKISHNESS FOR EVERYBODY
Jerry Lewis' telethon for the Muscular Dystrophy Association, whose first four hours and concluding four hours will feature celebrity appeals for donations for hurricane victims. The annual Labor Day weekend broadcast begins at 9 p.m. Sunday and ends at 5:30 p.m. Monday.
THEY COULDN'T GET ALL OF LINKIN PARK?
An aid effort by MTV Networks, starting with a Sept. 10 music special airing on MTV, VH1 and CMT. Scheduled performers include Green Day, Ludacris, Gretchen Wilson, Usher, Alicia Keys, John Mellencamp, the Dave Matthews Band, Rob Thomas and Linkin Park's Chester Bennington.
CONCERT TO AIR ON ALL 628 MTV NETWORKS
The special also will be available on MTV2, mtvU and VH1 Classic, as well as broadband video networks MTV Overdrive and VSpot.
I don't mean to belittle the money raised for people who desperately need it. I've just kinda always hated telethons, with their bizarro mix of grade-Z Vegas-style showmanship and horrible human tragedy. Besides, they could do a lot better than this. Like:
- AMERICAN MOVIE CLASSICS PRESENTS. Fats Domino in "A Concert to Save My House"
- TRIO'S HURRICANE RELIEF SPECIAL. 50 performance artists in 50 hours, confusing and alienating you into charitable giving
- FOX NEWS: AMERICANS HELPING AMERICA. Sean Hannity does an interpretive tap dance that shows how the hurricane is all Bill Clinton's fault; Tony Snow warbles show tunes; Bill O'Reilly reads erotic poetry.
- TBN'S FESTIVAL OF HEAVENLY WRATH. Leading television evangelists compete in a fundraising competition patterned after Battle of the Network Stars. Winner gets to blame the disaster on his choice of sinners.
- QUEER EYE FOR THE DEAD GUY: The Fab Five talk about how they would rebuild New Orleans even more fabulously than ever. Donors pledge money to relief efforts in return for the Fab Five shutting up.
Come on! You try! You know you're going to hell anyway.