September 9th, 2005

cap'n hedgehog reporting for duty

Katrina: Our deities respond

GOD: "I'm not saying I did it and I'm not saying I didn't do it. I'm saying watch your asses. Is what I'm saying. Because, you know."

VISHNU: "No, no, no. I'm the preserver. You want to talk to Shiva."

SHIVA: "Hey, I had nothing to do with that. I have my hands full over here in southern Asia. I've still got mountains of paperwork after that tsunami, the last thing I want to do is add to my troubles. Bangladesh alone keeps me busy pretty much 24/7."

POSEIDON: "Why is it every time something goes wrong involving the ocean, you people come and see me? Why don't you ever come around and say 'hey, thanks, Poseidon, for all the delicious seafood'? Or 'thanks for the life-sustaining water cycle'? No, it's like clockwork: there's a flood or a typhoon or an oil spill, and they send some junior reporter to grill the god of the sea. You know what? I'm sick of it. You can address all your future inquiries to my attorneys."

LARRY STORCH: "Uh, I'm not a god. I'm a beloved TV character actor best known for playing Cpl. Agar on F Troop. But I'm not dead! In fact, you can see me in the Anthony Michael Hall vehicle Funny Valentine, also starring Lord Jamal from Brand Nubian! Do you want a press kit? Hello?"
bizarro am drunk motherfucker

JUSTICE LEAGUE: An Opera in Three Acts

Act I

Prelude (“Snap when you’re happy”)
Act I, Scene 1: “Where are my glasses?”
Act I, Scene 2: “Ere I were grim” (duet w/Batmite)
Act I, Scene 3: “Stop looking at my spangles”
Act I, Scene 4: “No evil shall escape my – hey, give that back”
Act I, Scene 5: “My seagoing friends”
Act I, Scene 6: “For my people, fire and death; for me, an Oreo”
Act I, Scene 7: Dance of the mincing Queen
Act I, Scene 8: “Comes the shrunken Dr. Palmer”
Act I, Scene 9: “His flying mace of justice”
Act I, Scene 10: “His wife’s flying mace of justice”
Act I, Scene 11: “Lamp these gams, fellas”
Act I, Scene 12: “I have a nose for trouble”
Act I, Scene 13: “We can share fishnets!” (duet w/Zatanna)
Act I, Scene 14: “Hey, guys, I’m here too”

Act II

Interlude (The coming of Starro)
Act II, Scene 1: “Boy, this place is kind of a dump”
Act II, Scene 2: “I mean, why Detroit?”
Act II, Scene 3: “And what’s with the breakdancing kid?”
Act II, Scene 4: “Seriously”
Act II, Scene 5: “Fucking Aquaman, this is all his fault.”
Act II, Scene 6: Jujitsu with the Flash
Act II, Scene 7: “Come on, you guys, it’s a goddamn starfish for Crissakes”
Act II, Scene 8: The return of Batman (“Party’s over”)


Interlude (Antarctica)
Act III, Scene 1: Fire and Ice’s ambiguously lesbian tango
Act III, Scene 2: “Do you have these skirts in a size 22?”
Act III, Scene 3: “Now is good for criminals to shy from running!” (duet w/Rocket Red No. 4)
Act III, Scene 4: “G’nort peed on the console again”
Act III, Scene 5: “In blackest day, in darkest night, show us your tits”
Act III, Scene 6: “Shut up, Booster”
Act III, Scene 7: “Bwah ha ha ha ha”
Act III, Scene 8: Amanda Waller sings

(no subject)

Katrina Benefit Telethon Won't Be Censored

NEW YORK - The producer of Friday's one-hour telethon to benefit Hurricane Katrina victims said no special precautions will be taken to edit out political statements — even though rapper Kanye West is on the bill.

Only a standard five- or seven-second delay will be employed to guard against any obscenities, Gallen said. He said he's spoken to all of the musicians and actors who will be appearing on the show about not detracting from the mission.

Of course, one could argue that a timed delay to "guard against" obscenities is pretty much the definition of censorship, but it's a censorship we're all used to, so I guess it's okay. At any rate, I think this is a bad move, because there are innumerable people on the bill who could prove far more problematic than that loose cannon Kanye West. Among the many risks they're taking:

JENNIFER ANISTON. Might call Brad Pitt a philandering cocksucker.

SHERYL CROW. Might stand around naked singing about India or ugly guys in bars or what Lance Armstrong smells like after the Tour de France.

CAMERON DIAZ. Might say that President Bush doesn't care about Latino people, and then remind confused audience that even though she is a pale-skinned blonde, she is allegedly Latino.

ELLEN DEGENERES. Might remind people of her unacceptable sexual preference.

THE DIXIE CHICKS. Might express disapproval of the president; might pose wearing nothing but bodypaint, forcing members of right-wing punditocracy to point out that one of them is fat.

RANDY NEWMAN. Might say something impolitic about short people, rednecks or those who do not love L.A.

JACK NICHOLSON. Might hit on every female member of cast, crew, talent, production, live audience, home audience, press, Nielsen families, potential donors, and hurricane victims.

CHRIS ROCK. No, actually, he's probably pretty safe. He tends to stay away from the racial material.

RAY ROMANO. Might further punish already-suffering Louisianans with bland comedy stylings; might dilute potential donor pool by stubborn insistence that everybody love him.

PAUL SIMON. Might bring out Art Garfunkel.

ROD STEWART. Might reintroduce practice of kicking soccer balls into audience, thus opening producers to innumeral personal injury lawsuits.

NEIL YOUNG. Might talk about model train collection.
flavored with age

The Butterhead Legacy

As you know, I went to the Minnesota State Fair last weekend with my girlfriend and her kid. As you also know, it was a priority for me, because I am a big fan of pointless absurdity, to see the butter sculptures of the Dairy Princess beauty pageant winners (or, as they are officially called, "PRINCESS KAY OF THE MILKY WAY" winners).

What you may not know is what actually happens to the 90-pound busts (you know what I mean, sewerhead) after the Fair is over. Well, wonder no more. Note: I swear unto everyting I hold dear I am not making any of these up. These are actual responses from former Princesses Kay of the Milky Way. Learn, fools.

"Mine was the first butter sculpture promotion at the Fair. Later that year it was used at various dairy events, and then broken up." (Mary Ann Titrud Springer, Princess Kay of the Milky Way 1965, Todd County, MN)

"My butter head was in the barn for the winter. A neighbor came over to check the farm, saw the butter head, and called the police!" (Linda Kottke, Princess Kay of the Milky Way 1966, McLeod County, MN)

"My grandmother chopped it up, piece by piece, to make Christmas cookies for everyone in the community." (Juliet Tessmer Garbow, Princess Kay of the Milky Way 1974, Hennepin County, MN)

"I still have the face." (Jean Lindig Kessler, Princess Kay of the Milky Way 1980, Pine County, MN)

"Prior to cutting and repackaging the butter for baking, I refashioned the nose; it had been flattened by the box. Before we could take a comparison photo of me with the sculpture sporting the nose I always wanted, our dog took a bite, taking only the nose!" (Janet Forner Bosch, Princess Kay of the Milky Way 1982, Carver County, MN)

"I donated it to my church for a missions fundraiser pancake breakfast." (Katie Scott Johnson, Princess Kay of the Milky Way 1989, West Otter Tail County, MN)

"We hosted a 'Butter Head Melt-Down' and served sweet corn. People rolled their ears of corn on my head." (Bridget Hollermann, Princess Kay of the Milky Way 2000, Pope County, MN)

God bless you girls, every one.
flavored with age


I have all this freelance stuff (it's Annual Local Music Roundup Time for one of the rags who employs me, and I gots to interview Andrew Bird and Qualo and Pelican and Lesser Birds of Paradise and Pugslee Atomz and Cage and a whole bunch other dopes), plus somehow I am editing most of the next issue of the High Hat and if I mess it up thehighhat and whambiguous will beat me with fireplace tongs. So there will be even less interesting material in here than normal for a while.

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