September 15th, 2005


Dingbat promenade

Lileks is pretty funny this week. He's on jury duty, and he keeps sputtering out frustrated queries as to why he never gets picked for service while simutaneously demonstrating beyong a shadow of a doubt why no attorney could possibly want him on a jury: he mentions five times in the space of two columns that he's the only one in the jury pool wearing a tie (and an American flag pin!), he twice makes spelling and grammar corrections to the "Thought of the Day" display on the jury room TVS -- and I don't mean he makes them to us, the reader; I mean he goes and forces the hapless court clerks to fix them; and he incessantly judges the other potential jurors on their appearance and behavior, such as watching DVDs instead of reading a highbrow book on Renaissance art like his, or smiling too much. Crankdom surrounds and suffuses Jimmy as a hiker is surrounded by forest, but all he can see are the lovely individual trees of his discernment and refinery.

Meanwhile, over at Town Hall, it's "The Only Racism is Racism Against Whites" Day, as column after column scrambles to deny that the massive abandonment of and disproportionate fatalities among poor blacks was anything but a wacky coincidence, and that anyone suggesting that the people currently occupying the White House might feel less than warmly towards the nation's lower-income darkies are nothing but racial hucksters of the basest type. But for real fun, take a knee before John McCaslin (who informs us that Monica Lewinsky is fat, stupid and pathetic), Marvin Olasky (who urges Christians to follow the example not of Christ, but of a fictional sociopath who specialized in beating and killing people), and Suzanne Fields (who manages to make more errors in an article about the evils of multiculturalism than I would have thought possible).

By the way, am I using the words 'lovely' and 'dingbat' too much? I worry that I'm starting to sound like Mel from Alice if he were a gay Victorian antiques dealer.
nah I'm just fuckin with you

Finish him!

The people over at the Turkey Shack are always tellin’ me there’s a clash of civilizations a-brewin’. The United States of Christian America, aided and abetted in a rare face turn by the Jews, are gearing up for a big punch-up with the Islamofascist Soviet Republics. I’m not sure where I come down on the whole thing because I got no dog in the fight, but I do know how we settle things where I’m from*: with a drunk-ass mudhole-stompin’ out behind the barn.

Let’s handicap ‘em.

Contestant #1: Jesus, Who is Called the Christ.
Record: 19 wins, 1 by K.O. (fig tree); 2 losses, 1 by T.K.O. (crucifixion).
Tale of the Tape: 5’4”, 167 lbs.; biceps 16”, neck 12”, shoe size 9W.
Advantages: Trained in hard physical labor (carpenter’s hands can drive a spike into a beam like his name was Bob Wall); well-honed fighting spirit (“I have come not to bring peace, but a sword, bitches!” – Matthew 10:34, New Bad-Ass Version); high tolerance for pain.
Drawbacks: Tendency towards free love hippie peace bullshit; short reach; continuing weight problems may lead to Roberto Duran-type situation.

Contestant #2: Muhammed, Peace Be Unto Him.
Record: 11 wins, all by submission; 4 losses, 1 by decision (Crusade).
Tale of the Tape: 5’6”, 170 lbs.; waist 32”, hands 12” (lengthwise), beard 22”
Advantages: When he says he comes not to bring peace but a sword, it ain’t no metaphor; exceptionally adept at knockin’ motherfuckers out for no reason; finishing maneuver, “The Fruit of Islam”, has thus far proven unstoppable.
Drawbacks: Insistence on praying towards Mecca in mid-bout leaves him open to attack; hostile relationship with the press; won’t stand still for pre-fight photos.

Contestant #3: Moses, Brother of Aaron.
Record: 6 wins, 5 by K.O. (Midianites, Abemilites, Canaanites, Philistines, Babylonians); 12 losses, 1 by T.K.O. (Holocaust).
Tale of the Tape: 5’8”, 174 lbs.; deltoids 22”, inseam 24”, yarmulke 6 ⅞”.
Advantages: Awesome kung-fu; ability to go all Charlton Heston on your ass; left hook to the nose results in Parting of the Red Sea.
Drawbacks: Has been on nearly two-millennium losing streak; subscribes to quack dietary restrictions; really fucking old.

Contestant #4: Joseph “Joe Boxer” Smith.
Record: 2 wins, both by decision (judge’s revelation); 1 loss (fatal).
Tale of the Tape: 5’10”, 182 lbs.; thighs 20”, wrists 5”, moral probity unmeasurable.
Advantages: Pure of body and mind; dedicated to strict bicycle-focused workout routine; seems to get on well with all of the ring girls.
Drawbacks: Secret caffeine addiction; cannot see without aid of magical glasses; never bet on the white guy.

Contestant #5: Rev. Sun Myung Moon.
Record: 1 win, by decision (media circus); 2 losses, 1 by decision (to Scientology).
Tale of the Tape: 5’3”, 206 lbs.; lats 13”, pate 5”, penis size classified.
Advantages: The press loves him; only fighter to have held the Unification title; strength in numbers.
Drawbacks: Weight advantage not as advantageous as one might think; limited experience in open competition; is some kind of crazy hinky-dinky Chinaman or something.

*: a residential neighborhood on Chicago’s northwest side.
a resounding daaar

More from the New Bad-Ass Version of the Bible

“Sometimes I come around here, you know, I’m just trying to get something to eat, maybe a beer, and somebody gotta say ‘Oh, look at Fat-Ass over there, he’s drunk again, he’s hanging out with skags, he’s just a tool of the Man’. Well, who’s right, bitches? Who’s right? Yeah, that’s what I thought.” (Matthew 11:19)

“If a couple of dudes are getting into it, you know, like mixing it up raw, and one of their bitches comes over and helps out her man by latching on to the other dude’s sack? You should totally cut her hand off. That’s what you should do.” (Deuteronomy 25:11-12)

“So, like, everyone hit the sack, right? But all these faggots come over and they’re all ‘Hey, Lot, what’s with those dudes who are at your house? They’re super fine Send ‘em out here because we want to do them. Do them up the ass.’ And Lot is all like, ‘No way man, that’s totally gross. Check this out: I have two daughters, and they’re both VIRGINS! Dig that! Y’all can do whatever you want with them, I’m serious. Like get all nasty in there. I don’t even care. But, like, leave the dudes alone, because, ew.” (Genesis 19:4-8)

“You know what would be cool, is if some dude bones another dude’s wife – like, his neighbor’s wife or something? Is if you killed them. Both of them. Yeah, do that.” (Leviticus 20:10)

“Dudes who have their dicks cut off? Or, like, there’s something wrong with their nuts? I don’t even want those motherfuckers near me.” (Deuteronomy 21:1)
flavored with age

Another stupid habit noticed

What's your policy on keeping e-mail?

Because, I mean...well, there's stuff that I think I should hold on to for a while. Certain important letters, business stuff, contact information, invoices for freelance work, anything where my girlfriend says something nice about me: that stuff I'll hold onto for a long-ass time, and no fear.

But man. MAN. I have e-mails from the earliest days of e-mail. I think the earliest e-mail in my folders is from 1994. I keep fucking everything (a very different phrase than "I keep fucking everything"). I guess it doesn't do as much harm as packratting stuff that actually takes up physical space, but honestly, I have business info from companies that no longer exist, announcements about concerts that took place in the previous century, letters from people I have not been friends with for a decade, and receipts for things I have since sold, lost or thrown away. I have eBay notices for stuff I bought for Christmas 2000. I have correspondence regarding stuff I wrote, edited or performed before George W. Bush was president. I am fairly sure I have at least two or three e-mails from people who are dead. This strikes me as slightly insane.

Whatchoo do? Do you delete everything? Keep everything? Do you always keep personal e-mails, or do you purge them all after a while? Am I just completely limp for even wondering about such a pointless issue?
flavored with age

I'm both pretentious AND lowbrow! How do I do it?

Stoled from calamityjon and spinooti, among others, and presented with apologies to my gal ninafarina, who hates memes like I hates okra.

1. Pick 20 films you love/thoroughly enjoyed.
2. Find screen captures (stills) for each film. If you can't find a still, pick a new movie.
3. Post the pictures with the rules; let your readers guess from what movie each still is.

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