September 26th, 2005

party time

Pindeldyboz Rocks the Upper Midwest

This past weekend, as you know from my relentless whoring of the thing, Pindeldyboz, the top-shelf literary magazine for which my always-dazzling girlfriend ninafarina is the web editor, put on a reading at the Turf Club in St. Paul, MN, rapidly becoming one of my favorite towns in the U.S. of Amerikey. Through the kind and utterly professional ministrations of Ms. Shauna McKenna, I was invited to be one of the featured readers, and in good company I was indeed. Out, I would say, of my league, so all-star was the crew.

To get this out of the way right off before brass tacks are scattered, the event was a boffo, smash, gang's aweigh success. Despite a stressful week for its incredibly hard-working organizers, an unenviable afternoon start time and questionable participation on the part of the Turf, the show went off like a house full of chainsmokers on oxygen. I was working the door, so I know how many people showed: a lot, is how many. It was held downstairs, in what is delightfully referred to as the Clown Room, and by the time the first reader finished up, it was SRO and I was having to steer people into the cramped corners just to get them in the door. It was also a really receptive crowd who cheered when they needed to cheer, laughed when they were supposed to laugh, and generally gave it up for the literary superstars on display. Shauna -- who, honestly, crew, I liked like crazy long before she was my gal, long before I even met her, because she's determined and talented and smart and funny as hell -- did a fantastic job not just organizationally but ceremonially, reading the bios and introducing the talent in a rock-steady voice that was real as the day is long. She also read a piece she wrote for McSweeney's that happens to be a favorite of mine in between acts; you can find it here, and feel the massive loss in your life that you didn't get to hear the best girl there is read it live. She did just an amazing job, and I think she's swell.

Okay, the readers. First up was Alex Lemon, who read some outstanding poems (you can see more of them here). Yr fateful correspondent was next, and as usual, completely miscalculated what a room full of drunks would find funny. Next up was the evening's genu-wine Big Shot, Mr. Charles Baxter, who justified his rep by reading an excellent and truly funny short story exerpt (you can learn about his many books here). The gregarious and graceful Jason DeBoer, whose stuff can be found all over the internet, was next, reading an excerpt from his sullen-Minnesota-teens novel in progress. The lovely and talented Claire Zulkey, who I am proud to call pal and whose book you can buy here, followed with a charming piece about how George Bush doesn't like-like black people. And Jim Ruland, a fine writer who is also father to the world's cutest kid (and whose first book you can buy here), closed it out with a story calamityjon should read about Popeye.

It was the Good Time Had By All. And you wish you were there.
cap'n hedgehog reporting for duty

The Stupidest Poll in the History of LiveJournal

For gents only, or ladies with penises. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT RIGHT FELLAS whoo.

Poll #577621 Terlet Humor

Brand?

American Standard
12(38.7%)
Crane
1(3.2%)
Eljer!
0(0.0%)
Sani-Flush
0(0.0%)
SANITARIOS MARACAY
1(3.2%)
store brand
3(9.7%)
Who even looks at the goddamn brand?
6(19.4%)
I don't even know what you're talking about
2(6.5%)
Wait, SANITARIOS MARACAY?
1(3.2%)
I am a pretty lay-tee
5(16.1%)

Cigarette butt?

TRASH IT DUDE
8(24.2%)
I might poke it around a little if I've been drankin'
8(24.2%)
Gross
10(30.3%)
I check to see if it's still smokable
0(0.0%)
Oh, my delicate feminine sensibilities
7(21.2%)

Ice?

PARTY TIME MELT THAT SHIT
14(41.2%)
Whaaaa?
4(11.8%)
Whoooo!
4(11.8%)
Ha ha, MAAAAN
4(11.8%)
I don't even know what this question is about and yet I'm offended
8(23.5%)

Trough?

GOOD TIMES
2(5.9%)
I will use one when I feel like being a savage barbarian
10(29.4%)
Shit, man, I'll use a fuckin tree if I have to
13(38.2%)
YEAH MAN plus they always got them ads for Viagra and ATVs I can look at
0(0.0%)
My estrogen sours at the very concept
9(26.5%)

Cell phone?

Who the hell am I gonna call?
9(26.5%)
Don't you know the expression about what you should never whistle while you're doing?
14(41.2%)
Maybe, if like I need to borrow money or tell someone about what I did to the cigarette butt
2(5.9%)
I want to, but the reception blows in there
3(8.8%)
Is there going to be a poll for girls tomorrow?
6(17.6%)


Tomorrow: a poll for girls.
hmmmmmm...

Let's play Disaster Telephone!

One of the big stories that some people feared and some people salivated over during Katrina was the roaming gangs of (insert preferred dehumanizing term for impoverished blacks here) who went on a kill-crazy rape and murder spree during the periods of lawlesness prior to the long-delayed evacuation. This manifested itself, particularly, in the SuperDome, where multiple rapes (including the rape-murder of a young girl) were reported, and dozens, even hundreds, of killings, may have taken place. For some, it was a horrible glimpse at the kind of savagery that can take place when law enforcement is stretched too thin; for others, it was proof that blacks are little more than animals.

Oh, whoops! None of it actually happened.

Total number of deaths in the SuperDome: six. None by violence. No molested little girl with her throat slit in the bathroom. Whether or not there were rapes will probably be impossible to tell, but number of reported rapes is zero. Number of retractions by the right-wing hysteriamongers predicted: zero.