October 13th, 2005

good grief

Bad Roll

So, the White Sox "won" last night. You'd expect me to be happy, given how I live and die with this team, but most of last night, I was miserable. Why? Because the Sox played like shit the whole game (the offense, that is -- Mark Buehrle pitched and unbelievably good game), and won anyway because of a rotten call by the incompetent Doug Eddings. Of course, Eddings was crummy all night: he called a lousy game behind the plate, and he botched the call at home plate where Aaron Rowand would have given the Sox the lead anyway. But the Sox didn't deserve to win, at least not like that. If it had been the White Sox who'd gotten screwed that way, I'd be absolutely livid. I'd have had a heart attack. I'd hate the Angels forever and I'd never forget what a shit umpire Eddings is.

But you know what? Today, I'm okay with it. So my team won because the umpires gave them an extra out. So their offense has played like a AA team for two games. Fuck it, they still won, and that's good, and even if I'm inexplicably miserable about the way it happened, I couldn't do anything about it even if I wanted to. It's in the books and there's no do-overs and if nothing else, at least it was the umpires' fault instead of my team's. Baseball's a game of inches, and I've seen blue fuck up so many times in a way that hurt us that I can't feel too bad about one time it helped us, no matter what a bad taste it leaves in everybody's mouth. And besides, as I always say when there's a close deciding play, if the team that comes out on the losing end had just taken care of business all along, it wouldn't even be an issue. If the Angels had been up 3-1, none of this would have mattered.

So, I'm glad my team won, even though it was the shabbiest kind of win. I understand why everyone in LA -- hell, everyone in America outside Chicago -- is pissed about it, but it's not the White Sox's fault. Go Sox, bring on game 3, and let's hear it again.
lex you idiot

Part of Leonard Pierce's life is his lack of religion

Am I wrong to think our culture is kinda fucked when the President's way of assuring people about his Supreme Court nominee, of easing their minds, is to proudly note that she's a devout evangelical Christian? "Hey, don't worry, everybody! She's a religious nut!"

There's so many things to love about yesterday's hot Bushmiers action, like how the president said "she was a pioneer woman", and how he went to great pains to sop the right-wing by assuring people that religion is a big part of her life (in other words, she'll bring a religious worldview to the courts, folks, wink wink) while Scott McClellan went to great pains to sop the left-wing by assuring people that she recognizes faith has no role in her decision-making process (in other words, she won't be a religious activist in the courts, folks, wink wink). Ah, comedy.
party time

Part of the sacred Nurse-Librarian-Schoolteacher fantasy trinity

Hey, happy birthday to tawdryjones! In a big 'salute' (it's pronounced sal-you-tay) to her special diddly, here is a list of librarian-centered pornographic novels I just made up.

Sluts of the South Stacks
I Lost My Cherry in 066 (General Organization & Museology in Iberian Peninsula & Adjacent Islands)
The Silent Moan
Bad-Ass Bookmobile Babes
Lending Out Her Love
Card Catalog of Carnality
Hot 'n' Nasty Information Services Degreeholders
Spank Me, Jessamyn Charity West
AC/DCs of the ALA
Free With Her Favors (First Two Weeks, Five Cents a Day Each Work Day Following)
baby demon

I'm evil like The Exorcist II: The Locust

Well, here's a story that addresses vital issues of today:

THERE'S NOTHING MORE PATHETIC THAN A FAILED EXORCIST

First day of school for aspiring Vatican exorcists

UNLESS, OF COURSE, IT'S A FAILED DEMONOLOGIST

ROME (Reuters) - It was the first day of school, so some students were understandably nervous. But then again, they were not taking just any course, but one run by a Vatican university to teach aspiring demonologists and exorcists.

WE'RE GOING TO START YOU OUT ON THE DEMON TACKLING DUMMY

"There is no doubt that the devil is intervening more in the life of man these days," Father Paolo Scarafoni told the students, most of them priests who want to learn how to tackle the demon if they should ever encounter him.

SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER AND AN ASSAULT BY THE MINIONS OF SATAN: TELLING THE DIFFERENCE

"Not all of you will become exorcists but it is indispensable that every priest knows how to discern between demonic possession and psychological problems," he said.

SURE, IT SOUNDS HARSH, BUT IN THE FOURTH MONTH EVERYONE GETS A BAD CASE OF SENIORITIS

The four-month course, called "Exorcism and the Prayer of Liberation," is being offered for the second year by Pontifical Regina Apostolorum University on Rome's outskirts.

YOU KNOW, I'D ALMOST PAY TO HEAR A LECTURE ON THE LEGAL ASPECTS OF DEMONIC POSSESSION

The about 120 students from around the world will hear lectures on topics such as the pastoral, spiritual, theological, liturgical, medical, legal and criminological aspects of Satanism and demonic possession.

PROBLEM: DEMONS DO NOT EXIST. CORRELATED ISSUES: YOU'RE AN IDIOT.

One planned lecture is called: "Problems related to exorcism and correlated issues."

NO, NOT THE ALTAR BOY WHO DIDN'T KNOW WHEN TO KEEP HIS TRAP SHUT, A DIFFERENT UNSETTLING EXPERIENCE

One priest, who asked not to be identified, said he decided to take the course after a "very unsettling experience" while hearing the confession of one young member of his parish.

I HEAR MERYL STREEP HAS THAT

"Her voice changed, her face was transformed and she started speaking in a language that she did not know," he said. "I've met people who are suffering from this problem and it is not as rare as we might imagine."

THIS MAN IS A QUALIFIED IMP-CHASER, PEOPLE

Father Giuseppe Nanni said there are four sure signs that pointed to demonic possession rather than psychological problems.

SO THAT EXPLAINS WHAT'S WRONG WITH THOSE MONTESSORI KIDS, JACK LALANNE, THE GUYS IN MAYHEM, AND ME

"When someone speaks or understands languages they normally do not; when their physical strength is disproportionate to their body size or age; when they are suddenly knowledgeable about occult practices; when they have a physical aversion to sacred things, such as the communion host or prayers."

THE OPERANT WORDS IN THIS PARAGRAPH ARE "MAKING UP"

According to some estimates, as many as 5,000 people are thought to be members of Satanic cults in Italy with 17-to 25-year-olds making up three quarters of them.

BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO GET STUCK USING AN OUTDATED RITUAL WHEN YOU'RE USING MAGIC TO CHASE INVISIBLE MONSTERS OUT OF PEOPLE'S SOULS

In 1999, the Vatican updated its ritual for exorcism. It starts with prayers, a blessing and sprinkling of holy water, the laying on of hands on the possessed, and the making of the sign of the cross. The formula begins: "I order you, Satan..." It goes on to denounce Satan as "prince of this world" and "enemy of human salvation."

HA! KISS MYSELF!

It ends: "Go back, Satan."