November 14th, 2005

flavored with age


WEEKEND UPDATE! I spent Friday and Saturday drinking too much with some friends from Austin (the gangsta-slick R. Dutcher Stiles and his lovely wife, Julie Beth "What Would Julie Do?" Wood. We dined at week's end at Fornello, then hit the Hideout, where we heard someone who, oddly, was not a 14-year-old girl sing an interminable song about a little goat and another interminable song about a unicorn. The performer in question, whose name blissfully escapes me, had apparently downed about 260 Qualuudes before the show and kept apologizing for how much he sucked, as if we didn't know that he sucked just by listening to him. He was described (by me) as looking like a guy who works at a Body Shop in a gay neighborhood and (by Julie) as looking like the mutant offspring of Tim Buckley and Jesus. Luckily, the headliner was pretty good, but the Little Goat Guy was definitely up there as one of the most comically awful musical acts I have ever seen.

Saturday thaitea and I went out to buy comic books, more about which see below (though not SeeBelow). That evening, I met up again with Dutcher and Julie, this time at the fabulous Duke of Perth and this time accompanied by so_crates. Much was discussed, including Chana's cute-ass kids, the Star Wars Holiday Special, living in Los Alamos, the loudest rock shows we've ever seen, the inadvisibility of teaching monkeys how to use language, and the expertise of British writers at describing drunkenness and its aftereffects. I myself, having gotten blotto on Friday, managed to stick to only a Skullsplitter and a Laphroig, seeing as I had to do stuff the next morning, but this was a week of overdoing it for me.

Sunday, I had to do some radio-show business, then have breakfast with Lara and theletterr, then do some Christmas shopping, and then come home and write all day, all with kind of a hangover. But it was still a good, productive, and relaxing day; high points included conversation with Lara & Jeff (subjects: vocal exercises, Tarantula A.D., holiday travel plans, cooking for relatives, and the aforementioned Little Goat Guy), getting an e-mail from my amazing girlfriend ninafarina (just returned from a working trip to, oddly, Austin), and....potato chips!

POTATO CHIP UPDATE! Everyone's favorite strongman, calamityjon, is the king of gifting. Why? Because he actually pays attention to people. For example, he paid attention to me when I was whining about how the one thing I really miss about living in the AZ is the ready availability of Poore Brothers potato chips. So what should arrive on my doorstep on Saturday but...a GIANT GODDAMN BOX of this delicious fried tater slices! Six goddamn bags of them! In Jalapeno, Salt & Pepper, Salt & Vinegar, BBQ, BBQ Ranch, and Original Snake flavors! I tell you what, those Poore Brothers salt & vinegar chips...they'll be the death of me. Without question the finest present that will directly result in my premature demise I have received all year. MAN THANKS JON, YOU'RE THE KING! Now I must be even more cleverer in my choice of gifts for him. (Also included in the gift box -- solipsiae, take note -- a dragon t-shirt. Hellz yeah'd!)

DC COMICS' INFINITE CRISIS #2 UPDATE! I know everybody wants to talk about how DC is basically apologizing for the last 20 years of their comics, as if they all sucked; how they're going to have to figure out how to actually change things (as if that were desirable, an arguable point in my opinion) when they'll still have the same writers and editors; how they're going to fuck up my Campaign for Real Time even more by splitting up all the worlds again; how they seem to have decided that any universe not featuring golly-whiz out the asshole isn't worth saving; and how Superman is here to destroy the world to make it safe for Hillbilly Marvel again. But frankly, I don't really have anything to say about any of that, because I was unable to concentrate on anything that was happening, thanks to Phil "Hillbilly George Perez" Jiminez drawing Power Girl with tits the size of potato sacks. Seriously, people. I'm willing to indulge the entrenched comic book habit of making every woman look like Candy Suxxx, but this is absolutely fucking ridiculous. Is there any reason, especially when you are making her the emotional and dramatic center of your story and putting her in highly charged personal scenes where she meets her long-lost foster family, recovers the lost memories of an entire lifetime, and becomes the catalyst for a universal change in your whole storytelling direction, that you have to give a character jugs that are roughly as big as that giant penny in the Batcave? Appalling.


What we learned from Friday's poll

- If you give people the opportunity to use vulgar language in describing Donald Trump, they will take it.

- No one likes faith. Also, no one likes prudence, which probably explains a lot. Hardly anyone likes hope or charity, perhaps taking their cue from our leadership. Oddly, the most popular cardinal virtue was fortitude, which I don't get at all, but y'all know best.

- Hardly anyone likes my gun icons. You probably won't be happy with the replacements I'm gonna do next week, either.

- I was amused to discover that some of you did not select 'posting on an internet message board' as one of the geeky activities in which you had participated this week, when in fact the very act of making selections was done as part of posting on an internet message board.

- I'm not sure what to make of the fact that three of you were willing to cop to fantasies about Harry Potter fucking someone, but none of you were willing to cop to dressing up your cats. SOMEONE BE FRONTIN'.
he's just a stereotype

The IMDB Top 50

Boy, there's always something lost in the Chinese title translations, huh?

Deadly Italian
Jail Man and Pretty Lady
Sword Elf: Come Back, Bearded Leader!
Return of Deadly Italian
I Will Save You, Jews!
Seven Japanese Menace
Play My Song, Negro
Battle for Distant Planet
Battle for Distant Planet V: Walking Robot Fight
Now I Shoot You, Ugly!
Dancing Heroin Woman
Native American Madhouse
Sword Elf: Let Us All Carry Jewelry!
Look At Murder!
Sword Elf: Lofty Apartment Complex of Sorcerous Glory!
Strange Loves of Atomic Doctor
Newspaper Jerk
Brazil: No Good
Super Criminal is Crippled Man
Archaeologist of No Mercy
Angry Ninjas of Criminal Justice System
Story of Hat-Wearing Gunmen
Forgetful Vengeance
Your Crop-Duster Wants to Kill Me!
The Knife Killer Who Dresses Like Woman
Deadly Italian III: Deadly Italian Snitch
The Sodomizing of a British Imperialist
The Knife Killer Who Dresses Like Woman II: The Knife Killer Who Wants to Be Woman
The Magical Smiling Frenchwoman
Insolvent Bank Hero
Deranged Actress’ Ghost Devil Thunder
The American Capitalist Who Practiced Self-Abuse in the Water Closet
Computer Jesus Fight
Help! My Paramour is a Forgetful Orange-Head!
Rebellious Administrative Fists of Lightning
The Policeman Who Cannot Fall
War Battle Fight: Cow Murder Patrol
The Jew Who Played a Piano
The Negro Who Did Not Play the Piano But Was Falsely Accused of a Crime
Angry Cabbie Legend
War Battle Fight: Low-Angle Shot
Idiosyncratic Typography Crime
Dirty Jap Tale
Africa Genocide Hostel
Legendary Champions of Penicillin Smuggling
Nazi Boat Opera
The Magical Killing Frenchman
Glorious Chinese Victory Over Bumbling Yank Detective
Drug Addict Follies
Flashing Swords of Artifact Location