December 2nd, 2005

bizarro am drunk motherfucker


So, last night, I was reading over my Marvel Universe & DC Who's Who recaps. Why? Because I am totally impressed with myself. No, actually, because I'm going to rewrite them and make them funnier and less awful, and maybe, I dunno, do something with them so that someone will see them other than people Googling for images of She-Hulk's can.

But I happened to notice that DC Who's Who, immediately post-Crisis, said this about Alexander Luthor:

"His power was eliminated upon opening the final door into that unknown limbo, and that door can never be reopened without the complete and utter destruction of all life anywhere."

Did...did they address this rather major plot point elsewhere and I missed it? Or is Infinite Crisis's big shock ending going to be the collective suicide of the entire DC universe?

I'm just askin'. Don't hate me.
it says here...

What we learned from yesterday's poll

- A healthy 38% of you are agnostic as to the question of whether or not cannibals can distinguish racial and ethnic types by taste. A surprisingly low 7% of you found the whole notion grotesquely offensive, and pretty much no one entertained me be posting comments of hysterical outrage.

- Far more of you are coffee drinkers than not. Of those, more take it with cream than with sugar, cream and sugar, or neat. 10% of you weak sisters prefer tea, and 9% of you are bad-asses who go straight for the needle. Despite the fact that my friends list is crammed with urban liberals, none of you will cop to drinking lattes.

- On the other hand, betraying your true America-hating ways, a staggering 51% majority of you speak French, or at least claim to speak French. Five of you speak Klingon or Interlac, and none of you speak Chinese, which suggests you're looking a bit too far ahead. Only a couple of you were brave enough to admit you don't speak any foreign languages, but a staggering nine of you snooty fuckers speak Latin.

- In the matter of the Fat Boys' "Jailhouse Rap", it is very unsurprising to learn that the joke answer was the most popular, followed by a three-way tie between the answer which suggested I am a big loser, the answer which suggested I am an even bigger loser, and the answer which exculpated you by ignorance from having to provide a real answer. This is science, people, lend a hand.

- Correspondents were torn between whether the professional help that would benefit me the most would be that of an agent or an interior decorator.
flavored with age

Qix! The Line Game!

- Lileks complains about poor service at McDonald's today. He also complains that they gave the Gnat a Power Rangers toy instead of a "girl's toy". Then he complains that the girl's toys suck. Then he goes out on his front lawn and shakes his fist at passing cars.

- How can I lose weight really quickly? Like, say, in a half an hour? Without limb loss?

- That French dame who got a face transplant, it says that her first words were "Thank you". I think she missed out on some better ones.

2. "The mirror. THE MIRROR!"
3. "Aw, I wanted Nicole Kidman's."
4. "I've lost face! HA HA HA HA HA HA"
5. "Wait, I came in here to get a bunion removed."
6. "This is just like that movie Face/Off, except I'm less happy that it's over."
7. "Avoid the noid, everybody! Whoops, there it is! Where's the beef? You know you're a redneck if! Git 'R' done! Don't go there! Who let the dogs out (to eat my face)?"