December 6th, 2005

god bless the internet

Dean? DEAN! THE FLANK, DEAN!! Where the fuck are you?!?

NEW MULTI-PLAYER ONLINE GAMES FOR 2006

End-Run StockShots XxXtreme
In this exciting game of financial derring-do, gamers take on the role of shareholders in large corporations doing business in recently deregulated industries. The action takes place in a simulated VR model of the pit at the Chicago Board of Trade, where you can take on the avatar of your choice of 24 different young white Iowans and buy and sell shares in a loud voice in between berating your intern for getting the wrong flavor of non-dairy creamer at Au Bon Pain. Status bars indicate your paper worth, actual worth, level of caffienation, blood pressure and AR (Asshole Rating). Available mini-games include several dozen where the ruthless standards of stock-trading are applied to areas such as film, celebrity belovedness, land one does not own, new grocery brand roll-outs and sexual performance. Save points are located in overpriced condominiums; players must hit save repeatedly before the housing bubble detonates and the condo is replaced by a dollar store or a mattress factory. Level 3 boss is the CEO of the company in which the player holds the most shares, and you must battle him with a razor-sharp copy of the Sarbanes-Oxley Bill while attempting to guess if his deadly Earnings Report Blast is all bluff or not.

Human Sacrifice NCAA Courtball 2006
Live the life of an Aztec in this thrilling multiplayer sports action game. Players select one of several courtball positions and play for the collegiate championship before legions of adoring fans at their choice of home pyramid. Sophisticated AI engines provide realistic shock-pad impacts, true-to-life weather conditions, and a variety of vulgar catcalls in Aztec, Inca and Olmec. Unlock the secret DarkRedd mode for gory blood effects and award-winning sound effects (created by BlasTech's crack design team using a juicer, a side of beef, and a set of Big Bertha golf clubs). Play an entire season and deal free agents or trade for a handful of shiny beads and the thigh-flesh of a healthy grandmother. After the championship game, players have the option of Standard Mode -- where the captain of the winning team has his still-beating heart torn out and fed to a statue of Quetzal -- or the far more popular Needledick Mode, where the worst player on the losing team is taunted with junior-high sexual derision. Rumors of an illicit internet mod-pack where Spanish conquistadors arrive mid-season and give all the athletes typhus are unconfirmed as of this writing.

Call of Duty: Let Freedom Ring
The latest installment of this highly acclaimed soldiers-at-war simulation takes players deep into the fray during the liberation of Grenada in October of 1983. Gamers take the role of one of the eight soldiers who actually saw combat during the desperate struggle to free overpriveleged southern California medical students from the tyrannical grip of Marxist oppression. Missions include locating the three Cuban soldiers on the island and reminding them that there is a war going on, and then killing them; getting the whole of your squad to stand still at one time for a photo op; and protecting the country's vital strategic supply of nutmeg. Memorable characters are featured in the game, including a star turn by beloved character actor Tom Atkins as Col. Adcock, a veteran of the Falklands War and the former commander of the elite Puffin Battalion. At the end of the game, players must watch a brief recruitment video for the U.S. Army in which they are informed that war is much more exciting now, with numerous opportunities to have your head sawed off on camera by insurgents.

WikiWars
The WikiMedia empire finally enters the realm of gaming with this new massively-multiplayer online roleplaying game, protected by OpenSource gaming codes. You take command of a legion of high-tech futuristic warriors batting an alien invasion of Earth, with every aspect of strategy and tactics decided by you and every other person who's ever contributed to the game. Thrill to the edge-of-your-seat action of an ammo dump raid, interrupted periodically by a flamewar over whether or not the storage containers are accurately designed. Sit in a war room with your fellow general and decide the fate of thousands of soldiers until the meeting is disrupted by a faction of gamers who question your battle plan's objectivity. Send secret coded communiques to your military intelligence agents before they can be picked apart by the grammar police. Give the "fire!" signal to your artillery units and be instantly redirected to a disambugation page where you are asked if you mean "fire" the command to attack, "fire" the element of combustion, "Fire" the DC super-heroine, or "Fire" the internet chat software. Try and keep your fighting men trained and honed into an effective battle unit despite their periodic fragmentation into warriong factions of Randians, Freepers and hardcore Harry Potter slashfic enthusiasts. It's all the thrills of first-person shooters, all the smarts of strategic wargaming, and all the fun of hanging around with pedantic internet autodidacts all day!

Sims 4: The SimSims
The most complex and recursive iteration to date of the hugely popular Sims franchise, "SimSims" takes life simulation to the highest level yet of time-wasting, banal self-absorbtion. Are you tired of your Sims having richer romantic, social, and professional lives than you do? Then this is the game for you: take control of a Sim as he sits in front of his computer for hours at a time playing "The Sims". You control his every action as he controls the every action of his own Sim. Every aspect of the fake lives of both pixellated humans is yours to command; your Sim's Sim can't even go to the bathroom until you tell your Sim to tell his Sim to go to the bathroom after he gets back from going to the bathroom! Now with ultra-realistic Cheeto-eating action.
god bless the internet

Black...girls'...jeans?

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the stupidest conversation in the history of the IMDB message boards.

It would be cool to be a lion....Yeah....

in a mystical sense like in the movie, i mean

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i dunno

i really like being a person

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i think i would be cool 2 b a monkey. monkeys r smrter than humans.

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I'd want to be a giraffe then, So I could see you coming and run away. Giraffes are tall and not to keen on being eaten by al lions.

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wow your a *beep* moron

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Now there will be non of that. You have no right me been snippy like that. If you don't like peoples ideas and.or comments, just leave. Kindness is something im afriad our world has lost.

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I think it would be great to live in the narnia series. :(

Sometimes I dream of it, even the movies depress me since the magic in these movies dont exist.

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Keep the faith, dude.

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lol how random is this thread???

though my friend did suddenly turn to me the other day and ask what sort of animal i would be if i could. hmmm...

she said a puma.

i think something like a fly would be useful (i could be a fly on the wall!!!!) or something like wolf! i dont know why...

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yes it would and i could eat poeple then angey away with it..

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I wish I was a Liger.
7
Here are the reasons why

#1. Ligers have the strength of both a tiger and a lion. If Aslan was a liger he would be even amrter than a lion because he would be striped like a tiger.

#2. Ligers have sharper claws than lions or tigers.

#3. Ligers possess the intellect of tigers and also lions.

#4. Ligers have the color of a lion and a tiger so they blend into all scenarios.

#5. Ligers would appear on tv shows such as Star Trek generations if they were visiting another planet, whereas Aslan, who is a lion, or tigger, who is a tiger, would only appear on earth.

#6, Tigers live in the jungle, whereas lions live in the desert. Aslan, therefor, woudl only live in the desert in real life and tigger would live in the jungle in real life where I could live in both and kill endagered species all day long in various climates without worry about the climate I live in.

#7. Simba almost was trampled in a buffalo rampage. Sher-Khan in Jungle Book was evil. Combine the niceness and evilnes of the two and you have a moral and ethical being.

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I would probably be a Griffin. They're cute, but really really cool (and tough) at the same time. I wanna be a Griffin!

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A lecoda.
It's basically a large cat (leopard, lion, tiger, panther, bear, tabby...anything that's a large cat) that walks on its hind legs, and has more or less, twice the intellect as humans. They're also immortal, and so they live forever. Hence why they are so rare, since they see no need to reproduce. They're also very solitary, very silent, and are able to run up and along walls.
So, yeah. lecodas are the best.

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i would be a centaur if i could be a narnia dude (if that is the half horse one)

a) smart as humans and can talk (though all narnia creatures can talk)
b) you still have arms and aposable thumbs (a very under rated apendage)
c) you can run uber fast
d) you are HUNG!! (and your female kind still has booobs)

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Well, I like the idea of being a shark, or a hamster. I'd also like to be a dog so I could go around biting holes in black girls' jeans.

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lions have barbed sex organs so they can rape the lionesses after killing all the males and cubs, and not worry about her getting away until he is done. i guess it would be cool to be a lion, in a really morbid antisocial way...

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...This is the coolest frickin' thread I've ever seen. Had to get in on it even though I don't post much.

Obviously, if you want to be an animal (where "animal" is pretty liberally applied) I wanna be a dragon! Flight, strength, intelligence, FIRE BREATH!!! Raaargh!

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I'd like to be a Giant Squid so I can live in the deepest part of the ocean while people above ponder on my mysterious nature.

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I just love this thread!
And I'd love to be a dragon! Then I could scare off my math teacher. Seriously, that man's an idiot. Even I am smarter than him... and I can't even boil milk without creating a major disaster (it's true, the school kitchen was covered with milk)... but anyway, back to the real topic...
It would be awsome to be a dragon! They can fly, breathe fire, are extremely smart... and...and....I LOVE DRAGONS!

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if i was a lion i would want to be a cub cos they are sooooooooo cute!!!

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I would want to be a grizzly bear. I'd have the right to be a vegiterian!