A schediastic hootenanny

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - President George W. Bush offered strong endorsements on Wednesday to two architects of the Iraq war, Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney, and said he was as close as ever to top political adviser Karl Rove despite his role in the CIA leak case.

Rebuffing Democratic calls for a shake-up over Iraq war strategy and speculation about rifts within the White House, Bush said he had no intention of removing Rumsfeld as defense secretary, crediting him with doing a "heck of a job."

Since the previous couple of Christmas poems I've done have been really fun despite no one reading them, I'm gonna do another one this year. And you can participate! Because why not! Just drop your name in comments, and you'll be made part of the magic. MAGIC I TELL YOU.

I was reading the other day about how the federal government funds abstinence programs in high schools to the tune of something like two hundred million dollars a year, and that a recent audit of these programs has revealed that eleven of thirteen of them contain misleading, erroneous or untrue information. And just this morning, I read a piece in the Chicago Reader about how Illinois abstinence progams -- which are very quickly replacing comprehensive programs as the norm in public schools -- only mention contraception in the context of illustrating how they can fail. One of the spokespeople for the abstinence programs claimed that (despite actual evidence to the contrary) if you tell kids about contraception, it makes it more likely that they will engage in premarital sex, so they think it is better to not tell them about contraception and stick to abstinence only.

THESIS #1: Teaching teenagers about abstinence alone and excluding any discussion of birth control is like putting a bunch of people in an old wooden house with defective furnaces, kerosene lamps and a bunch of oily rags everywhere, and then telling them not to start any fires, but not mentioning the location and proper use of the fire extinguishers.

Meanwhile, on other birth-control fronts, this morning, I went out to my car and discovered, next to the passenger-side door, a large pink condom. It was in a state of disrepair and had clearly been utilized for purposes unsanctioned by God's holy gift of matrimony. This caused me to engage in speculation.

THESIS #2: Someone had sex in my car overnight.

The argument against: my car was still locked, and the inside did not look or smell like anyone had been fucking in it.

THESIS #3: Someone had sex next to or near my car last night.

The argument against: it was very cold last night -- windy with light snow and a low of around 15 degrees. No matter how determined and horny, it seems unlikely that anyone would have sexual congress in such conditions. Also there were no assprints on the side of my car.

THESIS #4: Someone had sex inside a nearby dwelling, then dropped the condom used during said sex next to my car on their way out.

The argument against: Why would you carry a soiled condom outside with you? Why not just dispose of it indoors?

THESIS #5: Someone had sex in their own car/cab/garbage truck, then tossed the condom outside, where it landed near my car.

I think this one's the winner, but I don't feel very happy about it.

The contents of the final version of my "Best Songs of 2005" mix CD, the first of which was gifted to my pal and roommate thaitea yesternight:

1. "Chicago", Sufjan Stevens (Come On Feel the Illinoise!)
2. "Fistful of Love", Antony & the Johnsons (I Am A Bird Now)
3. "7/4 (Shoreline)", Broken Social Scene (Broken Social Scene)
4. "Turn Into Something", Animal Collective (Feels)
5. "Fake Palindromes", Andrew Bird (The Mysterious Production of Eggs)
6. "Drilling", Minus the Bear (Minos el Oso)
7. "Velvet Snow", Kings of Leon (Aha Shake Heartbreak)
8. "Heard It on the X", Los Super Seven (Heard It on the X)
9. "I Turn My Camera On", Spoon (Gimme Fiction)
10. "Sing Me Spanish Techno", the New Pornographers (Twin Cinema)
11. "The Wilderness", Sleater-Kinney (The Woods)
12. "16 Military Wives", the Decemberists (Picaresque)
13. "Seven One Eight", FannyPack (See You Next Tuesday)
14. "The Mask", Danger Doom (The Mouse and the Mask)
15. "I'm Just Raw", Lyrics Born (Same Shit Different Day)
16. "Gangster Ass Anthony", Slug & Murs (Felt 2: A Tribute to Lisa Bonet)
17. "George Bush Doesn't Care About Black People", K-Otix (The Legendary K-O)
18. "Galang", M.I.A. (Arular)